When you become a mother for the first time, you swear that you will never buy anything but the best for your cute little bundle of joy. As the bundle grows, and you add bundles, you realize that you no longer can, or should, buy only the best. I decided today, after a horrible wiping accident, that there are just some things that you just should never skimp on as a parent and feel I should share my short list with you. I can only hopes it saves you in the future.
1. Wipes: This came to the forefront today after my little “incident”. Never, and I stress NEVER, buy cheap wipes. They are thin and small, and your chances of having a horrible accident are high. There is nothing more frustrating and disgusting than a finger through the wipe, or swiping your hand through little Sally’s “gift” during a 3-alarm poo.
2. Diapers: Trust me when I say this, I have tried just about every diaper on the market except for cloth, and I am just NOT gonna go there. It is worth it to me to pay a little extra for better diapers. There is nothing worse than total and complete overflow combined with, as we call it at our house, the “residual stink”. You know what I mean. You change the diaper and find yourself asking the others if little Johnny has shit himself yet again for the next 3 hours straight just based on the level of stink attached to the poor guy.
3. Toilet paper: See Wipes above, multiply grossness factor times 10, especially when wiping someone else’s butt.
4. Laundry Soap: I knew that kids were dirty, but in no way was I actually prepared for the level of filth that only children can achieve. A good laundry soap and stain treater are essential to your success. If you are new here, I hate doing laundry more than anything on this planet, so if it wasn’t for good laundry soap, some stain spray, and some good luck, I would possibly just turn clothes into rags and then poor PITA would have nothing left to wear. In turn I would be broke and would be asking you all for donations to the YKIHAYHT clothing fund.
5. Coffee: Good coffee is essential. DO NOT buy the cheapest grounds you can find. I’m not gonna sugar coat it here, that shit is expensive, but trust me when I say you will be grateful you spent the extra on the good stuff. I am not suggesting to import some fancy French beans, but with the obscene quantity of coffee that you will need to consume just to be deemed a somewhat functioning parent, you deserve something that actually tastes like coffee.
6. A good vacuum: After going through one $100 vacuum a year for a few years in a row, we finally took the plunge and bought a fairly expensive vacuum, and I’m not talking a Dyson here. Vacuums can only survive so much hair, and glitter, and Polly Pocket shoes, and Legos. Buy a good vacuum, with a maintenance plan, because you know as well as I do that it will fall victim to something left behind. Oh, and buy a Shop-Vac. At some point you will be required to clean up vomit, or an overflowed toilet, or sink, or bathtub. You will need a wet vac for that. Trust me.
7. A Rocker Recliner: Note, I did NOT say a glider rocker to put in the nursery, those things are pointless. Seriously, buy a good rocker recliner. Test it out, make sure that your butt fits rather comfortably in it. Put your feet up, make sure it leans back far enough to encourage a good sleep. Trust me, you will spend many a night in that little gem, so you better make sure that it is comfortable.
8. Door Locks: Or as I like to call them “sanity savers”. Before you go all ape-shit crazy on me, I am NOT talking about door locks on the doors for the little’s rooms. (But if you did happen to put a lock on your kids’ doors, I wouldn’t judge. I may, or may not, have used these devices to keep a certain little person in their room for nap time) PUT A GOOD LOCK ON YOUR BEDROOM DOOR!!! Trust me when I say you will use it, and that this has nothing to do with S-E-X. There will come a time when your little precious bundle(s) of joy will grow up, and scream, and fight, and incessantly say “mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy”. You will need a break. Somewhere they can’t find you. You will lock yourself in your room, turn on some music, and put them on ignore. You will do it for your sanity and their safety. I guarantee it. This does NOT make you a bad parent, it makes you human.
9. Door Locks: I know, this was #8, but it is so important, I thought I would put it on here twice. PUT A GOOD LOCK ON YOUR BATHROOM DOOR!!! There will be times, especially that one “special” time of the month, that you will never be more thankful for it. I know I do not fancy an “audience” when tending to my “personal hygiene” issues and have never been more thankful for having a lock on my bathroom door. The two minutes of privacy is worth listening to all the pounding and screaming on the other side of the door.
10. Wine: This really doesn’t need an explanation, but I’m giving one anyway. As an adult, Boone’s Farm is just not acceptable anymore. If you are going to drink the wine, at least decrease the chances of the hangover from hell by drinking something a little classier. I am not saying to run out and buy that hundred dollar bottle of wine, but please spend a little more than two dollars on a bottle. I am still waiting to receive my bottles from Johnny Depp , but I have a sneaking suspicion that they aren’t going to arrive any time soon. If you are so broke that Boone’s Farm is the only option, I am guessing that you don’t need to be drinking anyway. Set standards, and live up to them.
My goodness it is so tempting to skimp, I do it all the time, but it is OK to take a few things for you. You need it, you DESERVE it! Have a good day!