If the Mayans were correct, then as of tomorrow we will all cease to exist. As I thought about this, I found myself upset that there may be a possibility that I will never discover the answers to some very important questions. The kinds of questions concerning motherhood that I know I am continuously asking the littles every stinkin day. Questions I consider to be some of the great mysteries of motherhood. So if the world really does end tomorrow, once I get over the whole “end of the world” thing, I will be quite disappointed that I didn’t have time to discover the true answers to these questions. To that I say to the Mayans, well played. Thanks for leaving me hanging with your uncanny ability to make accurate predictions about happenings thousands of years into the future. If all goes how I predict, I will wake up tomorrow morning still looking for the answers I so desperately crave. I guess we will see who is right.
- How did they get toothpaste there? How in the hell does it go from the toothbrush to all over the sink, the cabinet, towels, wall, floor, mirror, toilet, dare I say ceiling?
- How is it possible to sleep in there? Is this our children subliminally training themselves for when they are parents and have about one square inch of bed to sleep on?
- Why do they think boogers taste that good? This truly is a mystery to me. PITA spends so much time enjoying this little snack, it is a miracle he’s ever hungry for meals.
- If you were “sooooo hungry”, why is half your food on the floor? On a daily basis I sweep up enough crumbs and chunks to feed a third world country. How can all that food miss your mouth and hit the floor? We didn’t realize the magnitude of this problem until the passing of our sweet pooch Oliver. We quickly discovered why he constantly had a weight problem, the guy ate like a king.
- Have you ever touched your brain? I have seen fingers up the nose past the second knuckle. That’s gotta be getting close to snagging some grey matter.
- How can you miss a hole that big? The Boy can hit the bulls eye with a Nerf gun, but can he make it into the toilet from inches away? Hell no. I’m pretty sure that he couldn’t pee in the ocean without spraying the sand instead. It really is a mystery.
- Why is it necessary to save every single piece of paper that you have ever written/colored/scribbled on? I am foreseeing an appearance by Mini-Me on an episode of Hoarders; the I Once Scribbled on That Piece of Paper But Even Though I Don’t Remember When We Can’t Throw It Out Edition. It would be the most frightening episode yet.
- If you truly can’t hear me when I ask you to clean your room, how do you always manage to pass those hearing tests at school? I think parents everywhere find this to be quite the conundrum.
- Is your entire abdomen full of overactive intestines? Really. How can someone so small have that much poop?
- What is so enticing about a commercial? You can’t drive, you don’t need a payday loan, you don’t have a problem with erectile dysfunction, and you don’t need spinal decompression. Why is it so hard to tear your eyes away from those thirty second snippets when I am trying to talk to you?
- How can you pass the vision tests at school, but you can’t see your shoes laying smack dab in the middle of the living room? This goes hand in hand with the hearing conundrum.
- Why can’t you ever need to vomit while you are in the bathroom? Does the carpet just taunt you? Does your bed have invisible constraints that force you stay in it, puke, then sleep in it? Does the car need another reason for a good deep cleaning? I would think that month old french fries and even older cheerios would be incentive enough. There really is no need to throw in a bit of curdled milk.
- Why is it that we have to raise the dead during the week in order to get you ready for school, but come Saturday morning you have no problem rising at the butt crack of dawn immediately asking for breakfast? This one really irritates the crap out of me. You would hear parents everywhere rejoice if we could solve this parenting dilemma.
Comments
“Couldn’t pee in the ocean without spraying the sand”… That is AWESOME.
I’d love to know the answers too. I have one spawn and thankfully, he’s never knuckle deep or he’d end up with it lodged in his brain but other than that it’s a carbon copy of both of yours..someone needs to shed some light before the Mayans pull the plug.
I found out about the toothpaste, my oldest (shit I was supposed to buy her toothpaste today) anyway my oldest puts the toothpaste on the brush, then bangs it on the side of the sink, so toothpaste goes flying about the room. When asked about this it’s because, and I quote ‘too much came out of the tube’ said child is 13 and can’t put the paste on the brush in the right amount. Now off to buy toothpaste so teenager doesn’t have a meltdown!
Oh. The peeing in the ocean thing. Bwhahahahaha!!! I would like some answers.
Both of my grandkids ages 2 & 5 seem deaf until you say CANDY! Enjoying your writings in Oklahoma! But could you put up a windbreak today?;)
My girls r the same way! And i agree with ya on the windbreak, I too live in Oklahoma & this wind is insane!
So true! lAlso my burning question is why can I ask 18 times if anyone is hungry/thirsty/needs anything before I sit down or do something for myself or go to the bathroom but before the chill is off the toilet seat someone is in a life or death need of a pbj sandwich or drink of milk?
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hilarious..I have all of these questions, and I guess we will go out with a bang without knowing
Sass picks his nose LIKE IT’S HIS JOB… Seriously, I think one nostril is bigger than the other because he has a favorite side…
“How can someone so small have that much poop?”… and yes… I want to know too! If you figure out where they keep all that “extra”, will you let me know?
The only way I got my son to pee in the toilet was to throw Cheerios in and tell him “sink ‘em” It was a game, he was all in for that…. At one time I even had a bulls eye sticker affixed to the inside of the bowl. Tacky, yes. Effective, YES!!
This made me laugh til I cried! I ask these questions on a daily basis! Asking my 7 year old son to look for ANYTHING is a waste of my time… it could be in his hand and he “couldn’t find it”.
And the damn commercials, they are always waaay more interesting than the actual show. However, I think the world may end before we know any of the answers. So sad.
Yes, all of these! It’s like you live at my house. Oh please, Mayans be wrong so Tara can answer these questions for us. If for nothing else, just this.
hahahaha! this is too funny!! very legit questions.. to which i have no answers. sorry–out of luck
thanks now I think I know the toothpaste riddle. I hope theworld goes on fora couple more years.I am curious to know who the husband will blame when my son moves out and there are drips in front of the toilet!
The last three sentences are the best.
Hilarious post. We all needed that.
While while your asking..,,
Why do kids always get really sick on Friday nights, after regular doctors are closed?
How do they manage to always land the perfect punch, tap, hit to the ‘groin’ of their dad….accidentally of course, when he least expects it.
Why do they act do awesome at school- “oh your child is so sweet and polite’ yet like a-holes at home?
Why can’t they flush? Seriously, it’s not difficult.
What do they really do with all that toilet paper they use? Oh crap, we’re doomed! World will go on!
Oh crap!
Well since it is already tomorrow on the other side of the world, I think we are safe. lol
If you find out the answers, pass them on to me because I would like to know too…
My son peed on the dresser yesterday. I have no answers.
This is hilarious! I ask myself on a daily basis how a 17 month old can poop so much, and how a poop that big can come out of a 3 year old. It’s just unbelievable to me.
I’m a new follower of your lovely blog via the TGIF blog hop!
Maria @ thislifesbeautifulmoments.com
All I know (that having the little ones taught me): you never know until you know. End of the story!