1. Let us sleep in: We are busy ladies. Cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, organizing, refereeing fights, counselor, personal shopper, we have many tasks to perform. We get tired. Just one day a week of sleeping in could do wonders for us, and you. Yes, this means no touchy before you get up. Just get up and get out of bed quietly, and leave us alone.
2. Do a load of laundry: It doesn’t sound like much, but just one load, start to finish, would make a difference. When I say start to finish, I mean wash, dry, fold, AND put away. Not wash, dry, leave in basket for us to fold and put away later. That just pisses us off. When faced with what seems to be 248 loads per week, if we didn’t have to do even just one, it could help your cause.
3. Make dinner once a month: We love it when we get a night off from cooking. This doesn’t mean take us all out to a restaurant, that is just too much of a pain in the ass when littles are in tow. Cook, at home, an edible meal. Really want to make an impression? Clean up afterwards. And again, to be specific, that means do ALL the dishes, not just the ones that will fit in the dishwasher, wipe down counter tops, table, and children.
4. Spoil us on our birthdays: It is the one day of the year that is truly about US. Some may say mothers day, but to me, mothers day is meant to be spent with the people that made me a mother. My birthday is truly that, MY day. Let me do whatever I want, no restrictions. If I want to sleep in, done. Mani/pedi, done. Shopping for ME, done. If you want to buy us a gift that would be fantastic, but make sure it has nothing to do with housework. Make it something for ME please. And no, SEX does not count as a gift.
5. Put away your own shit: We spend our days cleaning up after all the littles, you are a GROWN MAN, clean up after yourself. This one should be a given.
6. Clean the toilets, floors, heck clean anything once in a while: Most of the time it is your pee we are cleaning off the seat, would it kill YOU to wipe it up? Run the vacuum, dust bunnies don’t attack. If you agree to this one, we do require that you complete the task. Don’t half-ass it. As my Momma says, “anything worth doin, is worth doin right”. You will decrease your chances significantly if we have to go back and do it again because you couldn’t do it right the first time.
7. Take the littles with you and go grocery shopping: It’s not fair that we get to have all the fun, we really want to include you. Try it once, then you will truly know why Target seems so tantalizing at 10:00 at night.
8. Run the carpool: Sometimes we just don’t feel like getting out. Especially on those days when it is 1:00 and we are still in our pajamas because we just haven’t had a free moment to take a shower. It is on these days that without fail, we would be required to get out of the car for some reason we weren’t expecting. We wouldn’t want to give someone the idea that we have been laying around doing nothing all morning. Especially since we probably accomplished more in the 8 hours that we have been awake than they have in a week.
9. Bring home a bottle of wine with no expectations for later: No explanation really necessary here.
10. Give us a free pass: We get to leave whenever we are damn well ready to, even on a moments notice. “I’ve had enough of this shit today” is totally acceptable. No set time for return, you handle meals and childcare. If you are lucky we will call and check in, but don’t get your hopes up. If the littles duck tape you to the floor, you are on your own. Oh, and we expect the house, and the children, to be clean when we get home.
11. Privacy. We have those few times that we would enjoy just a little privacy. When Aunt Flow decides to make her presence known, don’t be an ass about it. If you come in the house and the kids are running amok, don’t scream out in a condescending tone “where ARE you?”. We have needs you know. I NEED to be able to change my damn tampon without a 2 year old handing me a new one and watching me do the deed. That’s just more uncomfortable than the whole week of incessant bleeding and hormonal rages.
12. Learn your way around. How do you always seem to get lost in the 2 feet between the kitchen sink and the dishwasher? Do you need a map? Specific instructions? If you see us putting the dishes in and you aren’t finished eating yet, don’t just put your dirties in the sink. Open the damn door and put them in the dishwasher!
13. Lingerie is NOT a gift for us. If you REALLY want us to wear it, buy it for YOUR birthday. We don’t sit around and stare at ourselves in it. Half the time it is uncomfortable and the other half it doesn’t stay on long enough to make it worth it the money.
14. Play with your kids. There is nothing hotter than a man playing with his kids. I don’t mean sit in a chair and toss a ball. Get on the floor or go outside and wrestle, play catch, or tag, or hide and seek. It brings happiness and giggles and possibly sex.
15. All else fails, buy jewelry. We love that shit.
This is just a beginners list. I am certain that you, loyal readers, can add a few more. And to the men, I cannot make any guarantees, but if you could only cover 2 or 3 of these on a rotating basis then maybe, just maybe, we can show up naked…with beer.
Comments
I’m printing this and sitting in next to the crapper…he’s sure to read it there.
You rock…and took the words right outa my ever-lovin’ mouth. <3 you!!
Oh I love you too my dear!! I hope he enjoys and learns a little something. And should I be offended that you want to put it by the crapper? I think not. I know where they do the most reading
bahahaha next to the crapper – that way it WILL get read during the 45 minute quiet time of the day…..
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I wish I knew this 20 years ago! I have things set up ass backwards! I was under the delusion that hubby would just know these things, and do them. My saving grace has been the twins. He does more now than he ever did with the other five, so I’ve been making changes! Even if he does a couple of these things once a month that’s success!
I am so glad I found your blog. I think about each and every one of these things on a daily basis. I want to add that if hubby is going to throw in a load of wash, don’t make a big ordeal about it reminding wifey of all the hard work he did. We know… 10, 11 and 14 my favorites. My own personal add is requesting some lovin’ after we worked a 16 hour day doing all of the above in addition to giving kids and dogs baths is probably not a good idea.
*ALTERNATELY DYING LAUGHING AND CHEERING* Whoo HOO!!! So, this would have come in soooo handy several years ago when I was married to the dreaded ex. Ah well…I can make a list for the future and have HIM commit it to memory (truthfully, my significant other M. doesn’t need one…yet)
I should make a PG rated list for my short people who can read. It’ll be my “Bible”. XD
ME: “Did you do your chores?”
SHORT PEOPLE THAT SHOULD KNOW BETTER: *cue typical tween and teenage response, eye rolling and embarassment* “No, I didn’t know what I should do…”
ME: “REFER TO THE LIST!!!”
Co-blog? I have my own mental list of ones for the littles. Just for me it seems the ones that need it the most are the ones that can’t read yet!!
OMG!!!! I am rolling in hysterics, ESP. The part about “sex does not count as a gift.”
SO hysterical!!
Thank you my dear!! I actually made myself laugh with this one :0
Yes!! Amen!!! I bet Johnny does all these things. I mentioned a similar thing in my blog the other day. Why do men not know where the dishes and things go when they happen to unload the dishwasher? We’ve lived here 10 years!! I don’t mix up the drawers for fun. Although….that would be kind of funny….
I am certain that Johnny does ALL of these, and looks beautiful while doing them of course :0
OMG! This is my house!
What is wrong with these men?? Do they teach them how to be this way in some secret class at school?? jeez! Get with the program! 
I am hysterical! So glad I found your blog! I need to show this to the hubby because it is so true! I would love if you linked this up to my Saturday laughs. I also host a hop of just funny blog posts on the weekend:) Have a great weekend.
Saw you on finding the funny. Definitely you are very funny.
Omg I am printing this out for significant other! Because especially now that I am near the end of my 3rd pregnancy he just doesn’t seem to get it half the time and I get the *I don’t know what to do so I am gonna give you that dumb flat-faced* look. (Ladies you know which look I am talking about, the one that makes you just wanna pop their heads like a zit) And he is always asking me, “Well I don’t know! What do you want me to do?!?” Now I shall just have this hanging on the fridge and I will point to it hahaha.
As usual, you’ve nailed it. Do you mind if it’s copied? Women countrywide could have it tatooed on our husbands’ faces so they see it every time they look in the mirror. Would you mind?
LOL. Exactly. Couldn’t agree more on number 3. Seriously, why do men need a step-by-step tutorial every time they are asked to clean the kitchen? It’s a pretty simple task- if you see something dirty, clean it (and if you don’t see something dirty, look around for a minute and you will. Then clean that. Repeat until kitchen is at a wife-would-approve state).
awesome, awesome list!!! So sorry I took so long to see this!!!
Hi! I liked this post so much, I featured it! Check it out: http://momofbigalittlea.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-ive-been-reading-this-week.html
LOVE this list!! I agree with it completely except maybe 13. Love lingerie as a gift. Makes me feel pretty. LOL!
Love this!
Totally love this list. I am definitely going to show this to my man
First time here and enjoyed it. Will keep coming back for more.
I just hopped over from Big A Little a – brilliant list it all describes our house except “play with the kids” – he plays with them all the time, I feel like I’ve got 4 children not 3!
#5 was particularly fantastic! I LOVE this list! you think hubby would get mad if I sent it to him??
Hi Tara, just wanted to let you know that I featured this post in the best of my weekly reading series for 2012: http://www.bigaandlittlea.com/2012/12/the-best-of-the-weekly-reading-series.html
I feel pretty lucky, my husband does most of those things. I cant complain to him, of course, but why does he put the silverware away backwards? He spent more time on the floor with the kids than our dogs did. He has turned his underwear and socks pink twice, but he learned. And I only laughed a little. He buys jewelry, but forgets that I am allergic. He puts my clothes away, and most of the time I can find it later. One shirt disappeared for 6 months and when it reappeared know one knew where it came from! And if I get a vote, sex IS a gift!
I am hiding in the laundry room reading this. They are talking through the door. I think we live in the same house.
“I cleaned the kitchen.” does not mean, I put the 1 dish I just used in the sink. BUT, he always brings me wine so I look past this. GREAT list, mama.
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted…It Ain’t Over Till the Fat Lady Sings
I absolutely love this list. Probably because we seem to have married the same man. I would like to point out that a man wielding a vacuum or a toilet wand is pretty damn sexy too. And no man was ever killed while doing the dishes.
Total brilliance. This should be handed out at Pre Cana.
AWESOME list!!!
Teri recently posted…Want a good laugh? Got some free time? Read on…
AMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would like to add: rub our feet even if we’re not ginormously pregnant. Or just give us chocolate and go away.
whencrazymeetsexhaustion recently posted…Oversharing: Toddler-style
This. To enjoy it without having to–you know. It would be heaven. I agree
“Bring home a bottle of wine with no expectations for later: No explanation really necessary here.”
I LOVE the privacy demand. Women make having a period look TOO easy. I know we want to be treated equally to men but really, bleeding for week with cramps and raging hormones deserves an afternoon alone and a steaming cup of tea, don’t you think?