1. Let us sleep in: We are busy ladies. Cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, organizing, refereeing fights, counselor, personal shopper, we have many tasks to perform. We get tired. Just one day a week of sleeping in could do wonders for us, and you. Yes, this means no touchy before you get up. Just get up and get out of bed quietly, and leave us alone.
2. Do a load of laundry: It doesn’t sound like much, but just one load, start to finish, would make a difference. When I say start to finish, I mean wash, dry, fold, AND put away. Not wash, dry, leave in basket for us to fold and put away later. That just pisses us off. When faced with what seems to be 248 loads per week, if we didn’t have to do even just one, it could help your cause.
3. Make dinner once a month: We love it when we get a night off from cooking. This doesn’t mean take us all out to a restaurant, that is just too much of a pain in the ass when littles are in tow. Cook, at home, an edible meal. Really want to make an impression? Clean up afterwards. And again, to be specific, that means do ALL the dishes, not just the ones that will fit in the dishwasher, wipe down counter tops, table, and children.
4. Spoil us on our birthdays: It is the one day of the year that is truly about US. Some may say mothers day, but to me, mothers day is meant to be spent with the people that made me a mother. My birthday is truly that, MY day. Let me do whatever I want, no restrictions. If I want to sleep in, done. Mani/pedi, done. Shopping for ME, done. If you want to buy us a gift that would be fantastic, but make sure it has nothing to do with housework. Make it something for ME please. And no, SEX does not count as a gift.
5. Put away your own shit: We spend our days cleaning up after all the littles, you are a GROWN MAN, clean up after yourself. This one should be a given.
6. Clean the toilets, floors, heck clean anything once in a while: Most of the time it is your pee we are cleaning off the seat, would it kill YOU to wipe it up? Run the vacuum, dust bunnies don’t attack. If you agree to this one, we do require that you complete the task. Don’t half-ass it. As my Momma says, “anything worth doin, is worth doin right”. You will decrease your chances significantly if we have to go back and do it again because you couldn’t do it right the first time.
7. Take the littles with you and go grocery shopping: It’s not fair that we get to have all the fun, we really want to include you. Try it once, then you will truly know why Target seems so tantalizing at 10:00 at night.
8. Run the carpool: Sometimes we just don’t feel like getting out. Especially on those days when it is 1:00 and we are still in our pajamas because we just haven’t had a free moment to take a shower. It is on these days that without fail, we would be required to get out of the car for some reason we weren’t expecting. We wouldn’t want to give someone the idea that we have been laying around doing nothing all morning. Especially since we probably accomplished more in the 8 hours that we have been awake than they have in a week.
9. Bring home a bottle of wine with no expectations for later: No explanation really necessary here.
10. Give us a free pass: We get to leave whenever we are damn well ready to, even on a moments notice. “I’ve had enough of this shit today” is totally acceptable. No set time for return, you handle meals and childcare. If you are lucky we will call and check in, but don’t get your hopes up. If the littles duck tape you to the floor, you are on your own. Oh, and we expect the house, and the children, to be clean when we get home.
11. Privacy. We have those few times that we would enjoy just a little privacy. When Aunt Flow decides to make her presence known, don’t be an ass about it. If you come in the house and the kids are running amok, don’t scream out in a condescending tone “where ARE you?”. We have needs you know. I NEED to be able to change my damn tampon without a 2 year old handing me a new one and watching me do the deed. That’s just more uncomfortable than the whole week of incessant bleeding and hormonal rages.
12. Learn your way around. How do you always seem to get lost in the 2 feet between the kitchen sink and the dishwasher? Do you need a map? Specific instructions? If you see us putting the dishes in and you aren’t finished eating yet, don’t just put your dirties in the sink. Open the damn door and put them in the dishwasher!
13. Lingerie is NOT a gift for us. If you REALLY want us to wear it, buy it for YOUR birthday. We don’t sit around and stare at ourselves in it. Half the time it is uncomfortable and the other half it doesn’t stay on long enough to make it worth it the money.
14. Play with your kids. There is nothing hotter than a man playing with his kids. I don’t mean sit in a chair and toss a ball. Get on the floor or go outside and wrestle, play catch, or tag, or hide and seek. It brings happiness and giggles and possibly sex.
15. All else fails, buy jewelry. We love that shit.
This is just a beginners list. I am certain that you, loyal readers, can add a few more. And to the men, I cannot make any guarantees, but if you could only cover 2 or 3 of these on a rotating basis then maybe, just maybe, we can show up naked…with beer.