Parenthood ain’t fancy and it ain’t a cake walk, I think we can all agree on that.
Most All of the time I wish this shit was easier. Just like it appears in the movies. Why can’t it just be laid out for us, like in a script? Why does it have to be so HARD???
This got me to thinkin’ <danger, danger”=”"> I haven’t been on a movie set…YET; but I watch a lot of movies and read too many articles on the internet about movie stars (no one in particular) and sets, and all the goings on around them. So allow me to enlighten you just a bit. Go pop some popcorn (I can wait), sit back, relax, and let us look at how parenthood is absolutely nothing like the movies.
1. We have no script. Every good movie needs a script so that the actors know what happens next. Parenthood needs a script. Wouldn’t it be lovely to know when to expect that projectile vomit or to know that your kid will conveniently forget to do their homework? To know when your kid is gonna pee his pants at a party or have that meltdown in the store because she wants the pink one not the damn purple one. I know I would love to know ahead of time when I need to be prepared for that first kiss or that first heartbreak. To know exactly the way to handle the first time you catch your little angel in their first try at serious parental deception. Can someone please write me a script?
2. I don’t have a trailer outfitted with a salon where I get my hair and makeup done every morning while perusing an unlimited supply of amazing clothes. While I know I looked pretty incredible in Target the other in my ratty K-State sweatshirt circa 1997, thinning sweats, hair in a messy bun, and no makeup; it would be nice to occasionally have an unlimited/unstained/non-hole riddled wardrobe and someone to coordinate my hair and makeup to match. One could get used to a scalp massage every morning.
3. Having a body double on hand sure would be helpful for the old self-esteem. You ladies know what I mean. We all have that one special time of the month in which we feel slightly, what’s the word here….blergh. bloated. ick. Just imagine for a minute if you can, you and the Hubs snuggling in for some sexy time. You aren’t really feeling it thanks to the magic of PMS, so here comes the old body double. Magically you are toned, your boobs are where they are supposed to be, legs properly shaved, you look incredible. Or how about that time at the pool when you see “that mom” in her string bikini while you sit on the side of the pool in your swim skirt. Bring on the body double. BOOM. Problem solved, esteem restored.
4. Catering available 24/7, don’t mind if I do. Not cooking for a night or two (or ten) would sure be nice. To have it catered in instead of having to go pick it up? Fabuloso. Don’t see something that floats your boat? Order it, someone will go get it for you. I like to cook but this wouldn’t be all bad either. From what I understand it isn’t exactly dog fodder that they serve here.
5. Filming in a warm, tropical location? I think I could make that work. Spend a couple of months in Europe? Sounds so much more glamorous than my little farm in the middle of Kansas. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE country living and the freedom that comes with it, but a few weeks in an exotic location with other people keeping track of your schedule and making sure you get where you need to go when you need to get there…it truly does sound like a nice change to the monotony of wiping butts, keeping track of who has what practice when, who has a field trip this week, and what doctor we need to visit this month.
6. We don’t have a stunt person on hand to handle all those unexpected accidents. You dads consider the trauma you suffer when that bat swing goes awry or when the socks are a little too slippery on the wood floor and their heads are at just the right level. NUT PUNCH. Moms, how about when we try to reign in that temper tantrum and catch that elbow in the boob or that Lego to the face, not to mention the trauma that our bodies (vaginas) go through during pregnancy and childbirth. This parenting gig is vicious and we never take into account our own safety. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone trained in this area to take one for the team?
7. I would love to be walking down the street and some kick ass song comes on just for me. Think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever minus the white bell bottoms. Having an amazing soundtrack to play at just the right moment would be so freaking awesome.
8. We have no editor. No way to remove those moments where maybe we had too much to drink or told someone to take a long walk off a short pier. Someone to cut out that time we were caught dancing a la Elaine from Seinfeld. How about that party you attended only to go back and look at pictures and see that parsley on your teeth or that booger hanging from your nose. EDIT. Realized after the fact that you said something remarkably stupid to an acquaintance? EDIT. Want to forget that you ever met someone? EDIT. Want to remove that moment of mom guilt? EDIT.
9. Unless incredible set design means mismatched couches, toy tractors all over the living room, toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and Lalaloopsy all over the dining room table, I don’t think I’ll be winning any Academy awards in that department. On that rare occasion that I entertain (still waiting on you Johnny) having a set designer would be the bomb-diggety. Nope, I never have pee on my toilets or shredded kleenexes all over the living room floor.
10. We aren’t getting paid millions of dollars to do this. When I say millions of dollars, I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. Cold. Hard. Cash. Now if you consider being paid in temper tantrums, eye rolls, foot stomps and “BUT MOOOOOOOOOM” I’m a freaking millionaire. Throw in the hugs, kisses, and “I Wuv You Mama” and I have more “money” than I know what to do with. Maybe this parenting job isn’t so bad after all.
Not only do I have a book out, but some of my friends do as well. If you aren’t reading these books, you aren’t the people I thought you were. Click on them. Order them. Put on a Poise. Read them. Laugh. I promise you will.