We all know the saying “opinions are like…” It seems these days that everyone has an opinion on everything from politics to the color of my hair. Heck, I have plenty of opinions, why do you think I started this blog? As a parent, I particularly enjoy the opinions we must entertain from both family members and strangers alike. Especially the ones concerning the way we are raising our children.
When you pee on that first stick and you realize, oh crap, it really DID happen, it is SO overwhelming . Who ever thought that peeing on a stick could change your life so fast? You immediately start making lists of the things you will need, things you MIGHT need, and the things you probably won’t need but damn it you need more stuff to put on your registry. Once you start spilling the beans about your “situation”, the opinions start pouring in. “You are having a boy, look how low you are carrying!”, “Should you be eating that?”, “You really should watch your weight gain!” (yeah, right!) As a first time mother, you take them all in, and contemplate them all. Should I really eat that? How much weight should I REALLY gain? Let me look it up in my pregnancy book just to make sure. Then, as delivery gets closer, you become more and more nervous about the actual “birthing” part (will THAT actually fit through THERE???). This, of course, brings on a whole new brand of unsolicited advice and opinions.
Once the baby actually arrives, you find yourself under a constant barrage of contradicting child care “suggestions” . “Make sure to give them a bath everyday.” “Do NOT give them a bath everyday.” “Wake them up to nurse every 3 hours.” “Don’t EVER wake a sleeping baby.” No one seems to think that your motherly instinct has kicked in yet and that you actually DO know what you are doing. Once you have increased your brood to 2, or 3 (or 5), you become less concerned about others opinions. You start to perfect the fine art of smiling and nodding and concern yourself with more important issues, like sleeping.
For you first time mothers, here is just a short list of my favorite “parental suggestions” that I have received from others, and what I feel are appropriate responses, I hope it helps.
1. “Are you sure you cut those up small enough? Little Johnny might choke!” Response: Does it matter? He is just going to grab an entire handful and shove them all in his mouth at once. If he chokes this time, he will learn not to shove so much in the next.
2. “Should she be climbing on that chair?” Response: Probably not, but I have one on the pot and one attached to my boob so Susie is just going to have to be the risk taker. If she falls she will either have one hell of a bruise or a broken limb, but chances are she will not learn her lesson and she will just get back up on the chair. I don’t feel like fighting the battle.
3. “You really shouldn’t let them color on the walls.” Response: That is why God gave someone the genius to invent the Magic Eraser.
4. “Can’t they be quiet? Kids should really be seen and not heard.” Response: Uh, no. They are kids. The only time they are quiet is when they are sleeping and even that is a crap shoot.
5. ”Isn’t it nap time?” Response: For you maybe. These kids are so hopped up on sugar they won’t sleep for days.
6. “You should just spank their butts! That’s what I did to you, you turned out OK!” Response: I will if I decide to. I made them, I get to decide how to deal with them. By the way, I am not sure that “OK” is really the word I would use to describe me.
7. ”You are pregnant AGAIN?? Don’t you know what causes that?” Response: No I’m just getting fat, and yes I do, and apparently I am VERY good at it.
8. “Should they be watching TV?” Response: Not really, but I haven’t showered in days and I can’t stand the funk anymore.
9. “You really should take the kids out in public more”. Response: Knock yourself out. Try not to lose one at the zoo, they prefer to eat at McVomit, and the 3 year old thinks she has to pee every 5 minutes. Oh, by the way, the 18 month old hasn’t pooped yet today either, so be sure to take extra diapers and wipes, and a change of clothes, you never know what might happen. Don’t forget the stroller, the double one, the baby won’t really stay in it and the 5 and 3 year olds will fight over the empty seat. Eventually the 7 year old will complain that his feet hurt and will want a ride as well. Good luck pushing that load of bricks. If you are lucky the 9 year old will be in a decent mood for half the visit and will be helpful. But if you piss her off, you are screwed. Don’t call me for help, I’m opening a bottle of wine, taking a nice bath, and maybe even a nap. I don’t care that it is 10 am.
10. “You really should make more time for yourself .” Response: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
These are just a few of my favorites. I would love to hear some of yours, with responses of course, and don’t act like you have never wanted to give one of these responses too.