My Gift to You; A Christmas Shopping Schedule

I started Christmas shopping.  Not finished, started. One would think that since I started so late that I would be organized and ready to go. Well, one would be wrong.  I told you guys last week about how I needed to make a list.  I will tell you that I made one but in the interest of full disclosure, it’s terrible. I couldn’t put off this shopping any longer, so I left my house with my super crappy list and a mission.  A mission to at least purchase one gift so that the next time someone asks me if I have started my shopping, I don’t have to laugh in their face and start weeping.  Of course while I was out, I was contemplating how I could use this experience to help you all out.  See, I’m always thinking about you.  I decided that the best way to help you would be to go ahead and schedule out your shopping day for you.  Consider this my gift to you.  One of those types of gifts that just keep on giving because you can use this schedule as many times as is needed.  Print it, keep it handy.  You can thank me later.

6:00 AM:  Who in the hell are we kidding here?  Whatever you do, do NOT get up at six in the freaking morning if you are going to spend your day shopping.  Nothing is open yet and you are going to need your energy.  Keep on sleeping, you’ll thank me for this later.

7:00 AM:  If you have kids, chances are they are up by now.  If you are like me, you have been awake for a while now but have been hiding in bed checking your Facebook.  When you hear the pitter-patter of little feet you quickly put your phone down and pretend you are asleep.  When you start gagging on the warm morning breath as they lovingly blow it in your face and ask you if it is time for breakfast, you smooth down your hair and drag yourself out of the comforts of your nice warm bed.

7:01 AM: Pee

7:02 AM: Make coffee.  Depending on your bladder capacity, making coffee could be swapped with peeing.

7:03 AM:  Feed the heathens.  The sooner you feed them, the sooner they get dressed and head off to school.  No need to delay.

7:30 AM:  Send the kids off to the bus stop and hop in the shower with a smile.  If you still have kids at home like I do, still get in the shower just pray that the house will still be intact when you get out.  I am not below using the television for a babysitter under these circumstances.  Don’t judge me, I just want a shower.

7:45 AM:  Brush your teeth.  This is an important reminder, especially if you have plans on meeting a friend later for lunch.

8:30 AM:  Finally leave the house, with a travel size mug of coffee, your young kids if you have them, and the desire to succeed.  Don’t worry, you are just taking those younguns to the sitter.  Let’s not be silly here, we aren’t taking kids with us.

9:00-11:00:  Shop.  This will be quite difficult and mentally exhausting since you don’t really have a list to go by.   Meandering aimlessly through various stores with absolutely no idea what you are looking for can be an eye watering and heartbreaking experience.  You know that moment when you see that “perfect” gift and you bee line over to it.  You pick it up and rejoice because you just know that this will be THE gift that they play with for more than the three days that kids are limited by unwritten rules for playing with new toys.  Your eyes begin to water with joy and you are close to breaking out into “Joy to the World” until you turn over the package and see the price tag.  $150 for a box of magnets covered in plastic???  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? wah, wah, wah….Your enthusiasm will now be quashed just a bit, but lunch is coming soon.

11:00-12:30:  Lunch. Hey, we gotta eat.  If possible, schedule a date with a friend. It is at this point that a late morning/early afternoon beverage would be totally acceptable, after all you’ve earned it.  The time frame on this one is completely flexible.

12:30-3:30:  Continue shopping until finished.  When I say “finished” I mean it in one of two ways.  Finished as in “I’m completely done buying gifts for everyone on my non-existent list.  My bank account/credit card are exhausted and so am I”, or finished as in “Holy shit my feet and back are killing me, I have no idea what I have actually purchased, what I still need to purchase but my brain and my body just can’t take anymore”.  It is at this point that you will also start to wonder exactly why there are so many people in Target in the middle of the day.  It will become apparent that they did not get the memo that today is your shopping day and that they need to just back off.  You are working really hard on not being an asshole, but your need to block the entire Lego aisle is making that task really difficult to mark off my list.

3:30:  Decide to make one more stop just for the hell of it because you heard a certain children’s clothing store was having a good sale.  You fill your bag without incident and proceed to the register.  It is here that you may have a similar conversation with the rather young and naive sales person:

Please accept this gift from me to you.  I can only hope that in these final weeks before Christmas it helps you to accomplish all your goals.  Or get you drunk, one of the two.  Who knows, maybe even both.  xoxoxo

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