Church. There, I said it. We go to church. This is not new, we have had this talk here before. Remember when someone was offended about my VBS talk? I can’t say every, Sunday, but most Sunday mornings, that is where you will find us. All seven of us. Together. Can you see where I am going with this? Every once in a while the entire morning goes off without a hitch. Kids are up, get cleaned up, dressed up, no whining, no fighting, no complaining. The rest of the time, I find myself questioning my motives. Here is what we are dealing with on a typical Sunday morning at Casa de YKIHAYHT. See if this dramatic interpretation sounds familiar:
Early morning, kids are up, some playing, some watching TV, some eating breakfast. Everyone seems chipper, until…
Me: Time to get dressed for church!
Trouble (throws self on floor): But I don’t WANT to go to church!
The Boy: Can’t I stay home?
Farmer Bob (already getting irritated): GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!
Me: I’m gonna run through the shower real quick. (finds there to not be a drop of hot water left, opts to skip shaving and go for the pants)
<Gets out of the shower, no kids are dressed.>
Me (mumbles expletives to self under breath): GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!
Mini-Me: FINE!!! I’m GOOOOOing. <stomps feet up stairs>
Trouble: But I don’t WANT to go to church!
Bob: GO. NOW.
The Boy: Can I just wear these (athletic) shorts and (tee) shirt?
Me: Are you kidding me?
<Trouble comes down in sweats and long-sleeved flannel shirt.>
Me: Are you kidding me? It’s 100 degrees outside. You cannot wear that.
<Throws self back onto floor and starts crying>
<Mini-me comes down in jean shorts and tank top>
Me: Are you kidding me? Go put on something nicer than that for Church.
Mini-Me: Like what? <rolls eyes>
Me: Really? You have to ask? Put on a skirt and a decent shirt or a dress. You know, one of the 100 things you have in your closet that you don’t ever wear.
Mini-Me: Hmpf. <Rolls eyes, crosses arms, stomps off mumbling what I am sure to be not very nice words under her breath>
Mouse: Mom! PITA pooped!
Me: Better now than at church I guess. <stops doing hair/makeup and changes diaper.
Wrestles toddler Gets toddler dressed at same time>
Bob: Brush your teeth, go pee, time to go!
Me: Damn it, I’m not even dressed yet.
Mini-Me comes down with skirt on but same shirt, Trouble has on snow boots with a spaghetti strap dress, and The Boy decides to wear the boots that he hasn’t worn in months and needs help putting them on. I wave the white flag of submission and give up because at least they are dressed. I give up on the hair, luckily all the people at church are used to seeing it still wet and in a bun. Slap on a bit of makeup and try to remember shoes.
|I surrender! Wear whatever you want!|
Get in car, everyone is buckled in. Head count. Damn, missing one. Where is Mouse? Search house, realize Mouse is quietly playing in the basement. Rush her out of the house, grab shoes on the way for her to put on in the car.
We actually make it to Church with a few moments to spare, take our seats and hope for the best. PITA immediately starts making friends with all the people sitting around us. Luckily most people that attend our church have either had a gaggle of kids, or currently DO have a gaggle of kids so the tolerance level for shenanigans is fairly high.
Now is when the Sunday morning workout begins, and I don’t mean that because we are Catholics. PITA wants picked up, PITA wants Dad, PITA wants down, PITA wants Mom, Trouble wants Mom, Mouse has to pee. Mom, is that your belt? Ooooohhhh, look at your pretty earrings! PITA, get your finger out of my nose. I want to sit by dad. Dad won’t let me play with the keys, I’m gonna go sit by mom. Mouse goes pee, I pick up PITA, Trouble grabs my leg. The Boy starts kicking the pew in front and Mini-Me is picking at her nail polish. PITA pulls back my shirt and sticks his hand down into, well, into nothing. Lets be honest, after nursing 5 kids there is nothing left to grope there. I re-adjust my shirt, put PITA down, and Trouble asks the question I have been waiting for.
IS CHURCH OVER YET???
Oh dear Lord, end my pain and suffering. I have had people tell me that all that matters is that we are making the effort. To this I say, THANK GOODNESS, because there have been many a time where it takes ALL my effort to survive without flicking someone on the ear, or pulling them out by the arm, or removing myself in the the middle of mass. Maybe someday I will look back on all these days and think to myself ”awwwe, I miss those days”, but something tells me that maybe is pretty unlikely. Until the day comes that I can sit through mass with my shirt intact, fingers not in my ears or nose, and no one groping my butt I will try with all my effort to take it with laughter. If not, I may just lose it.
Don’t forget to order your copies of ”I Just Want to Pee Alone”! Mother’s Day will be here before we know it and all the Mama’s in your life could use a good laugh! Click on the book for easy ordering!