Church. There, I said it. We go to church. This is not new, we have had this talk here before. Remember when someone was offended about my VBS talk? I can’t say every, Sunday, but most Sunday mornings, that is where you will find us. All seven of us. Together. Can you see where I am going with this? Every once in a while the entire morning goes off without a hitch. Kids are up, get cleaned up, dressed up, no whining, no fighting, no complaining. The rest of the time, I find myself questioning my motives. Here is what we are dealing with on a typical Sunday morning at Casa de YKIHAYHT. See if this dramatic interpretation sounds familiar:
Early morning, kids are up, some playing, some watching TV, some eating breakfast. Everyone seems chipper, until…
Me: Time to get dressed for church!
Trouble (throws self on floor): But I don’t WANT to go to church!
Here we go.
Image courtesy of Google.
The Boy: Can’t I stay home?
Farmer Bob (already getting irritated): GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!
Me: I’m gonna run through the shower real quick. (finds there to not be a drop of hot water left, opts to skip shaving and go for the pants)
<Gets out of the shower, no kids are dressed.>
Me (mumbles expletives to self under breath): GO GET DRESSED FOR CHURCH!
Mini-Me: FINE!!! I’m GOOOOOing. <stomps feet up stairs>
Trouble: But I don’t WANT to go to church!
Bob: GO. NOW.
The Boy: Can I just wear these (athletic) shorts and (tee) shirt?
Me: Are you kidding me?
<Trouble comes down in sweats and long-sleeved flannel shirt.>
Me: Are you kidding me? It’s 100 degrees outside. You cannot wear that.
<Throws self back onto floor and starts crying>
<Mini-me comes down in jean shorts and tank top>
Me: Are you kidding me? Go put on something nicer than that for Church.
Mini-Me: Like what? <rolls eyes>
Me: Really? You have to ask? Put on a skirt and a decent shirt or a dress. You know, one of the 100 things you have in your closet that you don’t ever wear.
Mini-Me: Hmpf. <Rolls eyes, crosses arms, stomps off mumbling what I am sure to be not very nice words under her breath>
Mouse: Mom! PITA pooped!
Me: Better now than at church I guess. <stops doing hair/makeup and changes diaper. Wrestles toddler Gets toddler dressed at same time>
Bob: Brush your teeth, go pee, time to go!
Me: Damn it, I’m not even dressed yet.
Mini-Me comes down with skirt on but same shirt, Trouble has on snow boots with a spaghetti strap dress, and The Boy decides to wear the boots that he hasn’t worn in months and needs help putting them on. I wave the white flag of submission and give up because at least they are dressed. I give up on the hair, luckily all the people at church are used to seeing it still wet and in a bun. Slap on a bit of makeup and try to remember shoes.
| I surrender! Wear whatever you want! |
Get in car, everyone is buckled in. Head count. Damn, missing one. Where is Mouse? Search house, realize Mouse is quietly playing in the basement. Rush her out of the house, grab shoes on the way for her to put on in the car.
We actually make it to Church with a few moments to spare, take our seats and hope for the best. PITA immediately starts making friends with all the people sitting around us. Luckily most people that attend our church have either had a gaggle of kids, or currently DO have a gaggle of kids so the tolerance level for shenanigans is fairly high.
Now is when the Sunday morning workout begins, and I don’t mean that because we are Catholics. PITA wants picked up, PITA wants Dad, PITA wants down, PITA wants Mom, Trouble wants Mom, Mouse has to pee. Mom, is that your belt? Ooooohhhh, look at your pretty earrings! PITA, get your finger out of my nose. I want to sit by dad. Dad won’t let me play with the keys, I’m gonna go sit by mom. Mouse goes pee, I pick up PITA, Trouble grabs my leg. The Boy starts kicking the pew in front and Mini-Me is picking at her nail polish. PITA pulls back my shirt and sticks his hand down into, well, into nothing. Lets be honest, after nursing 5 kids there is nothing left to grope there. I re-adjust my shirt, put PITA down, and Trouble asks the question I have been waiting for.
IS CHURCH OVER YET???
Oh dear Lord, end my pain and suffering. I have had people tell me that all that matters is that we are making the effort. To this I say, THANK GOODNESS, because there have been many a time where it takes ALL my effort to survive without flicking someone on the ear, or pulling them out by the arm, or removing myself in the the middle of mass. Maybe someday I will look back on all these days and think to myself ”awwwe, I miss those days”, but something tells me that maybe is pretty unlikely. Until the day comes that I can sit through mass with my shirt intact, fingers not in my ears or nose, and no one groping my butt I will try with all my effort to take it with laughter. If not, I may just lose it.
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Comments
Im always amazed by the families who’s kids have nice hair and clothes and sit still and are quiet at church. I think their folks must beat them if they act up. At least the thought makes me feel better about how my kids act and look!
OHHHH mommma…I only have three and THIS is why i struggle so dang much. I grew up doing these very things to MY parents in the pew. Which is probably why THEY didn’t go very much. You be proud of how successful you’ve been just getting out the door because that is HUGE. Huge. Love you darling, and look up to how well you manage your little stinkers. xoxo
I home church. It’s much safer for my sanity;)
A. I LOVE YOU!
B. I go to church too
C. My kids are at VBS this week (and lovin’ it)
D. I curse
E. I don’t have THAT kind of blog
F. I LOVE YOU! (had to say it again, because you put this blog out there)
G. I have friends, good friends who are – atheist, pagan, lesbian, gay, trash (ha ha), whatever… They read my blog. They know I’m Christian. They know I don’t cram it down anyone’s throat.
H. F’em if they can’t take a joke
I. I love you again!! Smoochies – great bloggie, as usual!
Luckily for me – I’ve only got 2 short ones & they actually like going to church. Bless you.
I haven’t any patience for my own 2 in church and we attend most Sundays, without daddy, usually. My 2 must fear me, they only act up 50% of the time. Then again, if they had more brothers and sisters, I’m sure they’d go AWOL. My daughter is 4, she’s my struggle. Her hair is ratted, her clothes have been worn days in a row and her breath is horrible. She looks homely or will dress in a beautiful winter outfit….when it’s HOT outside. My son will ask, “Can I bring my D.S.?” *eye roll*
There was one day recently I pondered out loud about maybe joining the Unitarian church here because I feel like I/we might be missing out on that sort of community feel that church gives one. You’ve changed my mind. I’m going to stay home with the kids and hug trees like good pagans
I don’t get how anyone can say,”Ew” to someone else’s religious stuff and expect that people are going to return respect and tolerance to them. Doesn’t make sense.
Well, you know I’m not going to give you any shit for being of THOSE churchy people ’cause I’m one too!
In the 10,000 times we have been to church with our kids, NOT ONCE has it gone smoothly – not getting there and not being there. BUT – I know one thing: I cannot live without it, and my kids would probably not be alive without it either. You will be rewarded my friend!!
Thank goodness for blogs like this that make me realize I am NOT crazy. I’ve got three kids, my husband is on deployment and every Sunday morning is the most stressful morning of the week trying to get everyone dressed, hair done and diaper bags packed in order to get to church on time. Luckily for me, they have childrens church and each one goes to their own room so I can enjoy the service, alone
P.S. I love ya too!
Oh! And last week, I got to church with all three kids, pulled into the parking lot and realized my son had no shoes on. We live too far to go back home and make it back in time for service….so he went shoeless
I’m with you. My favorite part was the hand down the shirt to feel, nothing. Happens to me every single Sunday. Only thing you left out was the little ones stepping all over your toes when you wear your open-toed shoes. Man, that hurts. I think we will miss it when they are grown. Most weeks, at the end of Mass, at least one elderly woman will tell us that we have a lovely family. I always give her the, “Did you SEE what we just went through?” look as she walks away smiling.
This is one of the reasons my kids attend private school… Chapel once a week at school!!! Lol!!!
I wish I had your dedication. We have been to church 5 times in the two years since my son has come along because he will not stay in kids church – he cries until he pukes on the nursery teacher
Hubs and I don’t want attendng church to be a negative thing.
Is it wrong that I had to stop reading because this was like an exact replica of our church outings?! Hit too close to home! Keep the faith
I LOVE IT! I have been telling myself for several years it’s time for me to get us back into church. We’re Lutherans, and used to go regularly, but we live an hour from our church, which helped me to get lazy about it. And hubby works a lot of Sunday mornings, so I’d brave it alone. But you give me the inspiration I need, and I intend to get back there this season, and get the kids into Sunday school this fall. Thanks for YET ANOTHER great read! Smooches!
Because hubby is Catholic and I am his supportive non-Catholic wife, I do all the kid church getting ready-in while he leisurely gets ready. So, it’s me…the non-Catholic with Catholic guilt that prepares the crew for mass. Then, 3 of our 6 walk out the door and I sit down with coffee. Amen, sister.
I love you and your church-going family xo, your everlovin’ heathen
Just another reason why you are such a BadAssMama! I hope Mr. BPM at leasts bring home some bagels after Mass, or a bottle of wine, so that you get an extended bit of piece and quiet on Sunday mornings!
It DOES happen at my house, too. Well, at least it used to… When the older 3 were all little at the same time! Once my oldest daughter ended up at church with only one shoe. I have NO clue how that happened and we never did find the other one… LOL But now it’s usually just me and the 2 littles. The 3 teens and The Hubby don’t go with us. So, I guess you could say that I DO Miss those days because at least they were there with me.
My husband tells a story about going to church with his brother and dad. Dad is a pretty no nonsense guy – especially in church. He has been known to flick an ear or pinch a leg, however, this one sunday he picked up my brother in law (then 9, who was acting up) and proceeded to carry him out of church. As he was almost out he hollered out, “Pray for me!” My husband said the entire church erupted in laughter!
I grew up going to church every Sunday, but it was just my mother and I, so things went off without a hitch (usually). Once I had children, I had visions of Sunday mornings as a family in church, worshiping together… Imagine my surprise when I attempted to head off to church with my two little ones in tow. My mornings are similar to yours with only two and a husband who is constantly asking me Does this match? Do I look okay? Are you sure this matches? Needless to say we are not regular attendees. Your post encourages me to change that!
We put in our years of sitting in the cry room during mass, where other parents just let their kids run wild while they (the parents) chatted. Now ours are all old enough to sit still and behave in church, and it’s actually relaxing. Give it a few more years, and you’ll get to that point too.
Oh my . . . I laughed so hard, and it was that rueful “This is my life” sort of giggle, kind of happy and wistful at the same time. We have only one child, but she is–as strangers are happy to tell us–”a handful.” Six years old, gifted, and ADHD–”sitting still” and “listening” are two things she is not especially good at. If she’s not asking 10000000 questions, rolling under the seat, or insisting she sit when we’re supposed to stand and stand when we’re supposed to sit, she’s fussing about needing something to draw on (we have used the back of the church envelope in desperation), clamoring to go to the bathroom (AND I CAN GO BY MYSELF, I’M A BIGGGG GIRLLLLLL!!!!), or getting mad because she’s still not old enough for communion. Her latest thing is “How many more minutes? How many more things have to happen before church is over?” And when I call her on the rudeness of visiting someone and begging to leave, she turns these wide, innocent eyes on me and claims that noooo, she was only asking because she LOVES church and wishes it was twice as long.
Thank God that it isn’t.
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I fully embrace the name of your blog because dang, girl, THAT IS WHAT HAPPENS IN MY HOUSE. I cannot understand how every week is dressing inappropriately week. My two girls (11 and 13) have been going to church since they were wee little ones and yet they still come down in jean shorts and spaghetti strap tanks. I even sat down with them and had a discussion AND took them on tours of their closets to show them what was appropriate and still the spaghetti straps and jeans.
And I also have the phenomenon of when I get out of the shower NOTHING has progressed. How is that possible?? Wet bun is always my solution too. Even in 32 degree weather.
I think I can call you my soul sister.
Ellen
God loves the children! Of course, it’s because he has a sense of humor… It’s a phase. It’s all a phase. 8) Now following!
Ha. I am volunteering at VBS this week. I wonder how many people THAT would offend. Back to the topic at hand… I don’t go to church with my kids NEARLY as much as you do. They go to CCD on Sundays and that’s a battle in and of itself. I drop them off at CCD and then go to church by myself (hubs isn’t a big church person). It’s a peaceful mass without the kids. But I’m probably not raising them to be good Catholics. Oops. Sitting through church with kids can be really unpleasant!
We do the musical chair thing, too. It’s getting better, but still. *sigh*
We go thru this same thing every Sunday. I only have two of my own, but babysit my sister-in-laws two as well. On Sundays it is truly an act of God to get us out the door and into church on time! I can only commend you for the effort you are putting out there, dear.
I love your blog and feel the same way, this is your blog and if the readers don’t want to hear about you going to church or sending you children to VBS, then they are missing a GREAT lady!
Exactly my Sunday mornings. EXACTLY.
I feel your pain. Really. I was the oldest in a big family. I remember the chaos of the Sunday morning Pre-Mass countdown. We were NEVER, EVER on time. I was often in charge of taking “the little ones” to the bathroom, or outside to diffuse a meltdown.
Now, even with only 2, the cycle continues. My son is entering 2nd grade. That means First Communion. He has been warned about new expectations for behavior in Mass – no more coloring books, or little snacks. Sit, stand, kneel. Repeat. He is not happy! It will be a long year!