At some point in our lives, we are all an asshole. Don’t try to deny it and act like you aren’t because even the nicest of you have at one time or another had one of those fits of raging assholeyness. Some suffer from momentary slips into the world of assholes while some have their own mailing address at 1 Asshole Way. I can admit that I have had many a time in which my inner asshole has reared it’s very ugly head (hell, this post may even be one of them), but fortunately I can acknowledge it, be one with my inner asshole, and reign it in when the need arises. Unfortunately many suffer from such severe cases of asshole-itis that they are unable to even recognize the fact that they are in a perpetual state of being a raging asshole. This is a very serious condition. One that if left untreated can affect the lives of all that come in contact with those infected.
In an effort raise asshole awareness, I present to you this list of some of the most common offenders. The more you know, the more you too can prevent the spread of assholey behavior.
The I’mabetterparentthanyou-hole: Usually found at places like the park, the pool, any place with a germ-infested play place. This asshole will most likely be found with an arsenal of anti-bacterial wipes and hand sanitizer. It may be difficult to control your mouth around this one due to their ridiculous requests for you to stop your children from using the slide until their child is outside the three feet safety circle at the bottom or to please not splash little Sally as they jump in the pool because she is still getting adjusted to the water temperature. By all means be prepared for the apocalypse if you don’t follow little Johnny into the play place to supervise his every move. There is a very good chance that you are constantly being judged by this one and you will witness an extreme amount of eye-rolls and unintelligible mumbling under their breath, especially if you take a more laid back approach to your parenting. No matter what you do, you are wrong in the eyes of this asshole.
The Doc-hole: We parents know this one way too well. You show up early for your kids’ appointment out of fear of being late because you know that if you are tardy even by a few minutes you will have to reschedule and pay a cancellation fee. This guy though, works on HIS schedule. Yours is insignificant. They call you back into that six by six cell, I mean examination room, and you wait. Two hours later you leave with a migraine and the dreaded “it’s a virus” diagnosis knowing damn well that you will return in a weeks time to repeat the entire process again because it was actually NOT a virus. Warm up your credit card, here comes another co-pay.
The Jock-hole: This kind of asshole thinks that they know all there is to know about sports. Can often be found on the bleachers yelling instructions to the players or screaming at the refs. These instructions are usually the complete opposite of what the players should actually be doing and nine times out of ten they don’t even know what the rules are. Jock-holes usually believe that their offspring will be the next big thing in sports. Be sure to test your kids’ coaches for this terrible affliction as it has been known to run rampant amongst them as well. There are many wonderful coaches out there, find them and never leave them or be one of them yourself.
The Lazy-hole: Can be found anywhere. Is popular in the office, in volunteer groups, on the interwebs, and in your house. These assholes are willing to take all the credit when awesome things happen but are not willing to get off their lazy ass to do any of the work needed to actually make it happen. This person could be disguised as your boss, your co-worker, a fellow board member, or even your children. They have no problem stealing your work and claiming it as their own. These types are hard to combat, but they don’t like the word NO. Use it. Frequently.
The Sancti-hole: This asshole doesn’t even realize how big of an asshole he really is. They spend most of their time pretending to be perfect and angelic while in reality they secretly do all the things they preach against. They are great at giving the appearance that they live that picture-perfect life, but behind closed doors they are miserable. They spend a shit-ton of time on Facebook clogging up your news feed with posts full of useless information that they don’t even understand themselves. This asshole is like a bad rash, they will go away for a while but when they return they will be even more irritating than before.
The Sarcasa-hole: This one is dangerous. Their sarcasm is so far advanced that they were able to be a major asshole and it took you a couple of hours to figure it out. You have to watch out for these, they are very tricky.
The Ihopeyourotinhell-hole: This one is the one I have no tolerance for. They can often be found on the internet because they are too chicken-shit to show their faces in public. They spend their days in their mother’s basement trolling the interwebs for ways to lash out at unsuspecting posters. They usually make hurtful comments in an attempt to spread the herpes. They use phrases like “I hope all you fuckers burn in hell” and “why don’t you just go kill yourself”. Whatever you do, DO NOT ENGAGE this type of asshole. You just can’t argue with this kind of stupid.
Mega-hole: This is the beast of all assholes. A culmination of all breeds. The asshole of all assholes. You must take extreme caution when dealing with one of these creatures as they are the Dark Side of the asshole world. Before tackling one of these head on, be sure to brush up on your Jedi mind tricks because these assholes can turn you into one of their own faster than my kids can destroy my living room.
Please my friends, use this guide and be prepared when you encounter an asshole. They usually travel in packs so never let your guard down. Together we can raise awareness and conquer this terrible disease.