If you follow me on Facebook, which you can do by clicking over there on the right somewhere. You know, the place where it says “like me on Facebook”. Yeah, that’s right, you know you want to click it. I’ll wait…..
Anyways, now that you follow me on Facebook, you know that I may have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp. I still to this day am not sure if “obsession” is the proper term here. I adore and respect his work and his dedication to his craft. After re-reading this, I have a hard time with the word “obsession”, but really just can’t come up with another word. Maybe ”admire” would be more appropriate? I was thinking the other day about maybe explaining my obsession, adoration, love, I don’t really know the proper term here. I remember once reading one of my favorite blogs, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, and she ADORES, and I don’t really blame her, ADORES Tina Fey. She once wrote her a letter…read it here. I did email Jen, and she informed me that she has not heard from Tina. As far as I know, still no word from Tina either. Jen is keeping the dream alive as well, but it sure does get difficult to keep up the fight! These celebrities, too busy for the people that they entertain. It really would be nice if they could at least acknowledge our efforts. You know, those of us that see their movies, watch their shows, put the money in their pockets. I started thinking I would just feel better if I got this out. Mainly because I don’t want you people thinking I am just a total whack-job (I actually had a fan ask me today if I was obsessed). I am realistic, optimistically realistic. Hopefully Johnny isn’t too freaked out. I mean come on, we all know I’m funny. Really, who WOULDN’T want to have dinner with me? Yes, I can be wacky at times, but that’s the stuff that makes life fun!
Here goes, my open letter to Johnny (with improvements):
Dear Johnny,
Is it OK that I call you Johnny? Mr. Depp just seems so formal. I am sure you receive thousands upon thousands of letters from fans every day. Well, maybe not since you hide away in Los Angeles, or New Mexico, or where ever you may be filming your next flick. Needless to say, I am sure thousands of adoring fans at least WRITE you letters every day. I am sure you don’t Facebook or Twitter (trust me, I have tried and tried to find official pages for you to no avail), and you don’t read mommy blogs, or surf the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I think we should totally hang out, in a completely platonic sort of way. I think I have some very valid points and would love for you to at least entertain the thought of a casual dinner, at my house. OK, I will bend a little here and offer to come to you. I can travel, but then we are on a one on one basis. I don’t travel alone with 5 kids, that doesn’t bode well for my sanity, and Farmer Bob is just too busy in the summer with that farming stuff. As much as I would enjoy this, I promise I am not a total whack-job you are welcome to do a background check if you prefer, I would miss my family after the first couple of days. I am certain that we would be having a lovely time together, so it would require a multiple day visit.
If you peruse my Facebook page, please do not be alarmed. I am NOT a stalker. I know, I know, a true stalker would always say “I am NOT a stalker”, but really, I’m a housewife in the middle of Kansas with 5 kids. I don’t have time to stalk. I, like you, am providing entertainment to others usually at my own expense. I love it, and am having a blast. My apologies for using you to aid in my advancement in this blogging world, but really, a “thank you” would be nice. Just look at all the free publicity I am giving you. I know, not that you really need it, but I have women swooning over you on a daily basis. You are always fresh in their minds, and I would believe it if someone saw one of your movies because I mentioned it. I did write a pleasant review of Dark Shadows . My people asked, I delivered. That’s how I roll. I really do just adore you, and not just for your looks. You are incredibly talented, and I think we could be friends in the “real world”. I watched you on Ellen and on Jimmy Kimmel and I must say, it is obvious how uncomfortable those types of situations make you. I am not an expert on body language, but it was quite obvious that you do not like the spotlight. Yet another reason that heading over to my place just makes sense. You can’t get more low-key that this.
I see no reason why you couldn’t just come on over to the farm other than the fact that you are busy filming The Lone Ranger, but even busy guys deserve a break from time to time. We could grill out some steaks, unless your vegan, but I don’t really picture you in my mind as vegan. I am fairly certain you are the kind of guy that likes beef, there is nothin better than a big, homegrown, steak. See…if I was a true stalker, I would know this about you. You could bring the wine. Here at my house, you have to contribute to the meal, no free rides. I provide the food, you provide the drink. Fair? I don’t need any high-priced bottle of wine, or some fancy after dinner drink. Something simple. Bring some of your own. I have to admit, I did not know you owned your own vineyard and winery until just recently. I would love a sampling, I am not known for turning away a nice wine. When we eat, we eat around the table, as a family. The conversation is usually light and silly do please don’t be offended by the words of the littles, they are kids. Burps, boyfriends, and playing with their food is always funny. We will eat steak, potatoes, salad, bread (you always have to have bread) and if you are lucky some sort of simple dessert. Momma doesn’t run a 5 star joint around here, but it is food worth eating, that I can promise. Oh, and you are required to help clean up. Sorry, I don’t have a maid or a chef, I have kids.
After dinner, we can sit around and shoot the breeze. Our kids can play, I did forget to mention, you can bring your kids along if you so desire. I have 5 of them (3 girls, 2 boys), and they love having company. They are great entertainers, and love making new friends. If I’m not mistaken I believe your son and my oldest daughter are about the same age. I am NOT suggesting anything here, good grief I am NOT ready for anything like that, but she loves to write and is always looking for a pen pal. I am pretty sure Farmer Bob would kick my ass for even insinuating anything other than a pen pal relationship. You will see that country life has its privileges. 4-Wheelers, wide open spaces, kick ass games of hide and seek, tree forts, baseball, isolation. You name it, we play it. The closest little town has about 700 people, so you can pretty much sneak in under the radar. I will keep it on the down low that you are coming, and no one even needs to know. As hard as it will be to contain my excitement, I would do it for you. No paparazzi, no media, just us. Sounds like heaven, doesn’t it? It’s better than France, I guarantee it. I am not kidding around here. My closest neighbor is 1/4 mile up the road. We are isolated and we love it that way. We can keep this as low key as you want.
We can get the kids settled in, let em watch a movie, mine LOVE Alice in Wonderland by the way, minus the Jabberwocky, it kinda creeps out the 4 year old. You are not required to watch since I do know you have never watched your own movies which is quite interesting to me. Then we can sit out on the patio, drink some wine, and converse. Just talk. Nothing in particular. Just hang out. I promise not to swoon over you…too much. I mean, really, have you LOOKED in a mirror lately? The years have been good to you my friend. Anyways, I would love to chit chat about music, and movies, and life. I have so many questions. Not about movies per say, but just how you get it all done. You must be exhausted. Oh, and music. Geesh I could talk music for days. I know our lives are completely different, and I am interested in how you can juggle everything. I know how difficult it is to just juggle being a stay at home/work from home mom with 5 littles and a husband who farms for a living. I can only imagine how you are able to stay involved with your kiddos while traveling the world, making movies, premiers, award shows, blah, blah, blah…
My birthday is in June, FYI (just a few short days prior to yours) Coming up much faster now. This is interesting since June is a great month to visit Kansas. Not too hot, but hot enough to hit the pool and the ball fields. It makes for lovely evenings outside, and if you come at the right time, you could hook up with Farmer Bob and go cut some wheat, or alfalfa, or both. This year it will be early, right around birthday time. Surely you have never experienced a wheat harvest, but I am sure you can somewhat relate. Long days. Well, that may be it. No scripts, no wardrobe, no makeup, no cameras. Just work, lots and lots of hard work. Oh boy would that be just a little awkward. My Hubs and my celebrity obsession. Together in a combine for hours. Priceless. I would take pictures of that if you don’t mind, for longevity. Really, the thought of that really makes me giggle. Maybe you could consider it research for a role you are playing in the future? I am sure playing a hard working farmer/father of 5 is a pretty popular role. You’ve played a kid with scissors for hands, a mobster, a drug dealer (one of my faves by the way), and a drunken pirate (could watch these daily). Surely there is some demand for a farmer/father type role in Hollywood. You can even film here. I could play the farmers wife. It would be a sacrifice, but I would do it, for you.
All joking aside. I think we could have a lovely time together, and by WE I mean you, me, Farmer Bob, and the kids. I don’t want you to be creeped out by the insinuation that I mean just you and me. Oh, that would be lovely, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to tempt you too much. I am pretty cute, but I am also a married woman.
I don’t need much notice. Just don’t be alarmed if you arrive and there are toys everywhere, the house is a mess and there’s a naked kid in the front yard. Again, no maid and by summer I am hoping to be potty training (sounds glamorous, I know). Well, I take that back, I have a maid, but she sucks. I think she spends too much time working on her blog and on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. In the meantime, I will try to keep steaks in the freezer and the patio cleaned off. I hope you will entertain the idea of a quiet vacation in Kansas. I promise, you won’t regret it!
With hope and admiration,
Tara
(ithappensatyourhousetoo@gmail.com)
(ithappensatyourhousetoo@gmail.com)
My dear readers…I shall leave this in YOUR hands. I don’t tweet, Lord knows I don’t need something else to be addicted to, (OK, if enough of you asked me to REALLY nicely, I would consider it. I’m a sucker for sweet requests), Oh, now I do tweet, but you are still encouraged to tweet this all over the planet, and I have quite a lovely reader base, but not a HUGE one. If you would love to share this all over the planet, go right ahead. The more it gets out, the more chances I have of actually getting a response. Again, I’m REALISTICALLY OPTIMISTIC. Also, I don’t think that Jen, AKA, the ”Jeneral”, would mind if you pushed hers again either. I would love to help her out anyway I could in order for her to meet Tina. She has given me some great advice, I can’t think of any better way to repay her. You know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone…so share both blogs (mine and People I Want to Punch in the Throat). Help some mommas out, I know you can do it!
Comments
Just a little FYI – for a lull in the conversation when Johnny gets there…You can mention you have a follower who named her son Johnny…after the great Johnny Depp of course.
I am about to Tweet this! I really think that the rich and famous follow that news feed. I heart you dearly and am so glad to have made your acquaintance. XO
I love this! Please know that you are not alone in being facinated by the Talented Mr. Depp…My youngest son was given Depp as a middle name! I mean come on…who doesn’t swoon over those fabulous pics you post of him! I just happened across your facebook page, and have to tell you, that this mother of 4 in Southwestern Virginia is enjoying All of your posts…your Johnny facination is only the icing on the cake! Good luck, I hope you get a response, and if he happens to come to the farm…please pinch him on the ass for me! Please excuse me while I daydream a bit…
I LOVE it…and I hope soooo much that he reads it and comes knocking at your door. Hey, stranger thinks have happened?! xo
You are not alone in this adoration of Johnny. I to have watched all of his movies countless time. My children believe that I bought the “Pirate” movies for them, but if caught late at night, on the ones that insomnia takes over, I’m watching them, all of them, from beginning to end! And yes, “Blow” was his best movie EVER!!! I’ll be praying that you get a response, even if it is just to politely decline the vacation. Good luck, and keep us informed! Nice letter by the way. Oh, yeah, not to name drop or anything, but stop by n check out this new blogger, help this Little Momma out n pass the word please! Her blog is called “Latest Endeavor”, by me of course!
I will come check you out!! I would take a polite decline…any acknowledgement would be AWESOME!! I’ll keep you posted!
Well??? I’m dying to know if he has written back!!! HAHA
Hopefully this makes it to him in some way, shape, or form. I love it
Love it, (and everything else you write *sigh* I’m still praying for that kind of grace lol) shared it, and crossing my fingers for u….do me a solid tho pls? Ask him to send that Orlando Bloom fella into my neighborhood
thanks
I will be sure to ask him for you
OMG You just CRACK me up!! I LOVE IT! I definitely HAVE to share this with my readers, a couple in particular!! I LOVE it that you LOVE Johnny, I personally can not get enough, but I am sooo busy that I really appreciate the fact that his face comes across Facebook every night via you. Oh, and by the way, I am trying out your Bacon Cheeseburger Rollup tonight for supper! Thank you for making my life a little easier! <3 ~MoonDrops
oohhh, let me know what you think!!! Thanks for reading and especially for SHARING!!
Hey there, SFA buddy! Saw this on B. Cale’s facebook page and thought I’d check it out. Funny read, lady! I had no idea how much we have in common these days!!! Only I’m farmin in the middle of MO near a town population 665 with two girls and one boy and a hub named Brad. Your house totally sounds like my house! Except you forgot to include jumping on the hay bales as entertainment for the kiddos. That one of mine kiddos’ faves! And instead of ‘ole Johnny, I’m shooting for Kirk Cameron! He’s actually gonna be in our hometown soon for a marriage seminar thing. I tried to talk my hubby into taking me for our anniversary….BAH HA HA HA!!! That laughter was his response to my request
I’ll check back sometime to see if Johnny ever accepts your invite. If he does, maybe he knows Kirk Cameron and can tell him how to get to my house! —Jodi from SFA & BC
OMG! You have turned a gone to heck in a handbasket day and ended it with a giggle and a sigh of joy. Is there anything yummier than Capt. Jack? Luckily my Hubs doesn’t get all crazy jealous, he realizes that if we watch Pirates and the kids actually stay in bed, he might get some loving.
thanks for lifting my blechy day right up!
Love your blog bunches! Mimi
I’m asking politely for an invitation to that dinner. I feel the same way you do across the board .. although I’d probably cite Benny & Joon or What’s Eating Gilbert Grape as my favorites. And I’ll add that my birthday is in the same vicinity as both of yours … June 11 … so perhaps we could consider a joint birthday party for the three of us. If not in Kansas then here in New Orleans. You know Johnny just bought a house here. Check it out … http://www.prairieghosts.com/lalaurie.html
Warning – the story behind the house is disturbing. But what did you expect from Tim Burton’s muse?
Oh, I’m SURE he will see this letter and be running over there in seconds! You said he needed to give you no warning, so, expect a knock at the door any minute. For goodness sakes, though, brush your hair! (Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny!)
Hmm, I was all done with Johnny when he teamed up with Tim Burton and started making all of those BLUE movies. Have you noticed?? They are blue! He’s just too weird for me!! But I tweeted it anyway, just for you.
Love the idea of him and your hubs in the combine for hours together. Definitely picture worthy!
Found you at finding the funny.
lol….love it and I hope that you do get to meet Mr. Depp I too am a huge fan and if you do get to meet him tell him I said Hi. I live in Saskatoon, Canada and I follow your post on facebook “You know It Happens at Your House to” I enjoy reading them…hahaha they make me giggle.
I would hope he certainly comes knocking too. He definitely makes a good pirate. And reading a few of the other comments, the bacon cheeseburger roll up sounds great!
I love this and can’t wait to see you on Ellen or Live with Kelly one day teaching Johnny how to change a diaper or something…
Love this
I have been admiring Sir Depp since his time on 21 Jumpstreet (even though my mom should not have been allowing me to watch it at my age) and my love affair has continued through the decades…just realized how old I am now…but I pride myself on having been part of the select group that adored him before his “comeback” and I see I am in good company!
I tweeted and pinned it on pinterest.
Maybe if we all do it you’ll end up on The Today show sitting across from Johnny!! woohoo!
Let’s get this to go VIRAL guys!!!!
Just don’t ever let him see your Pinterest board. Might scare him off just a bit.
Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0 recently posted…I Am a Nice Wife
This is great! I’m so glad to hear the story behind the “obsession”. I’ve stopped by your blog a number of times, always seeing the Johnny pictures, always wondering. Now I know! Great post!
Kate Hall recently posted…Oh No He Di’int Gimme That Gift