Day 1:
Dear Diary,
Today one of the kids woke up with a fever. I don’t think I will run him into the doctor just yet since he isn’t complaining of anything hurting and we have no vomit or runny poop. I didn’t have any plans today so we can spend the day cuddling on the couch in our pajamas with blankets and any show he wants to watch. I will work while he takes nice long naps, laundry loads in-between temperature taking and medicine doses. This shouldn’t be too bad. So far there is no vomit, but I took precautionary measures and outlawed all dairy products just in case he gets a bad case of the upchucks. I’ve heard this flu stuff is vicious and I don’t do well with vomit. Here’s to a quick twenty-four hours. I’m optimistic that this will pass quickly and we will be back to normal procedure tomorrow.
Day 2:
Dear Diary,
PITA didn’t sleep too well last night. I think we may have had intermittent moments of sleep, but really the entire evening is a fog. Apparently this is more like a forty-eight hour bug. I am confident that since the fever hit 105 degrees we are on the up and up now. I have coated the house in Lysol and been doing laundry continuously in an effort to keep this from spreading like wildfire. PITA is getting tired of having a thermometer in his pit, but I just remind him that I could put it somewhere less enjoyable. He is too young to understand my jokes. I hate it when sarcasm is wasted, but damn it, it’s my coping mechanism and I’m just trying to survive here. While I love a good challenge, trying to work while holding a roasting hot thirty-seven pound two-year-old in your lap is not quite what I had in mind today. I haven’t bathed, unless you consider being drenched in sweat bathing. I smell delightful and I found a pencil in my hair. I can’t be certain how long it has been there. I sent Farmer Bob to the adult package store because if there is one thing I learned in college it is that alcohol kills germs and I intend on heading these bad boys off at the pass.
Day 3:
Dear Diary,
Did I sleep last night? I decided that since I was already up at 6:00 that I would finally get that shower that I didn’t take yesterday. It was nice to wash off the two-day old funk and hair growth from my pits, even if the only place I’m going is the germ infested cesspool that is the pediatricians office. The things we do to get out of the house. I was hoping that they would give the poor guy something to help him get better so that I don’t have to hear “mama, my face hurt” one more time, but instead I received the ever popular “it’s a virus”. To a mother with very little sleep this translates to “thanks for wasting my time by bringing in your kid with a
fever of 105. Don’t you know that if you had waited another day or two it would have passed and you wouldn’t have had to leave your house? Leave your co-pay on your way out because I am planning my trip to the Bahamas. Oh, and chances are I’ll see you back in a couple of days because this is most likely not a virus at all. At this time I will take another co-pay and wonder how I could have missed that pesky ear infection the first time. My bad.” I don’t want to go back home. The traffic is so pretty and there are other adults driving those cars. I want to flag someone down just to have a quick conversation that doesn’t involve the words backpack, hugga-mugga, or ALL ABOARD! I think the Moscato from last night is working. I will need another dose tonight to make sure it is effective.
Day 4:
Dear Diary,
Oh look, the living room needs to be re-painted and I should strip the wallpaper in the dining room. The vacuum needs to be run and I found some more laundry. Where in the hell have these black hairs on my chin come from? Are those the sheep in the living room? HELP ME! I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME!!! If I don’t get out of this mother effing house soon I am going to need someone to talk me down from the ledge of insanity. It is so bad I am debating cleaning the ceiling fans. Notice I said “debating”, that is pretty serious business right there. How much more fever can one little body take? Really. More importantly, how much Barney/Daniel Tiger/Dinosaur Train/Dora can one incredibly shaky mom take? Are those men with white coats coming up my sidewalk? I need wine. Stat. And a shower. And fresh air. And more wine. Oh, look, dust bunnies. Aren’t they cute?
Day 5:
Dear Diary,
Woke up to a fever free house. It was like the sun rising on a summer morning around here complete with singing angels. I celebrated with some hair color, driving the preschool carpool, a trip to Arby’s, and some Moscato. Fingers/toes/legs/eyes crossed, for the safety of my mental health, that this is the only encounter we have with the plague. If the other kids do become infected, dear diary, I hope it is all at once so that I can just set up an infirmary in the living room and start running this place like a Civil War hospital. Minus the amputations, the rusty tools, and the whiskey. Maybe the whiskey because if I have to endure this again, it may take whiskey to ensure my survival.
Comments
Have you been reading my diary?! This is hilarious! I think millions of us poor unfortunate souls can relate to this right now. IS IT SUMMER YET?!
Not soon enough!!! Here’s to open windows!
Is it socially acceptable to send your kid to school in a Hazmat suit? ‘Cause I will….
Synnove @ Don’t Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted…Iridescent Indecency
I’m hoping my school kids were just the carriers and are immune. That happens…doesn’t it?
“It’s a virus” is, hands down, the worst statement you can hear at a sick visit. You pulled your sickie out of the house, exposed them to extra germs, and are basically told “sucks to be you”…and you pay for the privilege!
Exactly. Pisses me off to hear that.
Ugh, I HATE this time of year. A few weeks ago, a guy coughed behind me and The Kid while we were in line waiting to pay for something (funny enough, it was a bottle of wine) and he failed to cover his mouth. When he did it a second time, I actually turned fully around and said, “STOP BEING SO RUDE AND COVER YOUR MOUTH!” Whoooops!
Dani Ryan recently posted…My mother-in-law thinks I’m nuts
How can grown-ups have such horrible manners? Here, let me hack all over you. I’ll try not to get any spit in your mouth. Assholes.
Jen @PIWTPITT wrote a post about a guy in line somewhere sneezing IN The Hubs mouth! LOL, not funny I know, but the post was!
Omg I haven’t laughed this hard in a long time. Feels so good to know we arent in this alone. Thank you. I am sitting at the hospital w my sis as she has chemo…so I thank u for helping us laugh. Xo
I’m so glad I could bring a smile to both of your faces! Big hugs to the two of you!
LOL, I can relate to this, thank you. This has just passed at my house. Lol, about the doctors, I was also told this was a virus. I took my 4yo back 2 days later and he had an ear infection, 10 days of meds, chasing him around the house 3x a day to give it to him, oh the joy!
Sounds just delightful and frustrating. Gotta love it. Here’s to healthier days! xoxo
I loved the Dear Diary aspect of what we all have been going through. I think you were much kinder to your diary than I would’ve been – much cleaner language too. Your ecard is spectacular and oh so true. This made me laugh – and feel so sorry for you at the same time – been there all too many times – but you were so much more eloquent than I could ever be..
NO MORE SICKIES!
XO
Cheesus, it has to end sometime, and you know this has been heavily edited.
Oh dear. We are on Day 1 right now with my daughter. It’s been all sweet and cozy just cuddled up on the couch. But…what if…what if that is MY week I just read?! Pass the Moscato.
hilljean recently posted…I Dreamed A Dream: Anne Hathaway and the Golden Globes 2013
You wrote exactly what I’ve been thinking for the past week. I’m actually hoping I get sick next so I get some down time. Hope you all stay healthy and sane!
whencrazymeetsexhaustion recently posted…Project Optimism: A Different Kind of Hero
Sweet Jesus! You just sang the story of my life! Not only do I have two of my own but I teach second grade and be damned if those little stinkers don’t slime me everyday with uncovered sneezes, unmuffled coughs and the occassional potty accident. Hope we all survive this flu season!
dalaimama recently posted…Mommy Worry
Hah, your poor kids need to learn how to respond to sarcasm very early
I am glad it was just a virus after all – I think all of us can relate to the mixed feeling every illness brings to the house…You are upset that your kid is suffering; you are worried that it might be something serious; you are extra-careful about everyone and everything else; you’re extremely tired and eventually you are just pissed…Vicious circle!
Oh Good Lord in Heaven!! It took me 10 minutes to move past the sheep thing!! I was laughing so hard I couldn’t read through my tears! HELP ME! LOL!
Ok, I’m back, had a little laughing relapse!
Since I work for ‘the man’ I HAVE TO go to the doc if I’m out of work to get the FMLA time, so I’m CONSTANTLY hearing the stupid virus line that I hate so much! I mean I understand that there is nothing you can do but could you roll your eyes a little less, please? Also, just sign my paperwork here, please, I’ll fudge, er uh, fill in the dates later, when the mystery virus passes. UGH!
Glad you’re on the back side of this one, friend! You did an amazing job putting this on ‘paper’!! <3
Devan
This was my house a couple days ago, except it was my 16 month old who can’t really talk, just cry. And he did. Every time I put him down or turned off Disney Junior. I couldn’t believe how frazzled my nerves were after the whole ordeal. Insane! Hope your other kids stay healthy!
HA HA HA!! This is EXACTLY what it is like. To a tee. I laughed so hard reading this!!!
thedoseofreality recently posted…Have You Ever Been To A Twitter Party?
I’m hearing about the nasty flu everywhere in the media. I thought it was just my house. Now I’m hearing about it from friends too. Hope everyone get well soon
I’m little guy was pretty pathetic with a fever.
That deterioration you described is exactly how it is. You’ve got this…. you’re going to survive this…. you’re going to die.. who am I?
And I agree that the virus line sucks to hear from a doctor. My son had a horrible swollen eye – an allergic reaction – and the doctor said it was a virus. Ok… so this kind of virus makes an eye go from 0 to Sloth-from-the-goonies in 1 minute when you’re eating?
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LOL!!!! Sorry about his eye but this had me laughing so hard!!
Ha! It sounds like you celebrated right- with Arby’s and Moscato. What a crazy week!! Glad your house is back to normal and you got all of that growth out of your pits.
Kelley recently posted…My Take On Top Chef Seattle: "Restaurant Wars" (Alternate title: WOULD YOU EAT A BALUT??)
Thankfully I got the worst of the flu at my house. However, upon recovery I was faced with the bomb that was my house. It made me throw up in my mouth. A lot. Which made me think that I was getting another round of the flu. But, no. It was just me choking on my family’s love and concern for my well-being.
Tracy @ Momaical recently posted…Rockin’ 140 Characters
Wait. Debating cleaning the ceiling fans? You WERE a woman on the edge, weren’t you?!
Meredith @ The Girl Next Door Drinks and Swears recently posted…Little Known Secrets for Improving Your Game
Toes were hanging over…it was frightening.
When the first kid went down with the flu, my oldest looked me in the eye and said in a horrified voice, “We’re all going to get it, aren’t we?” Vodka, please.
HouseTalkN recently posted…Favorite Oscar Moments
It’s terrible. Terrible. Terrible. I dread the first grumbles of someone not feeling well. CHEERS my friend.