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Johnny Depp, Party of Two, Your Table is Ready

May 16, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 15 Comments

I’ve been doing some deep thinking about resurrecting this mission of meeting up with you for months. Seriously, this post has been in my drafts since February. I add things, I delete things. I’ve started over multiple times and I’ve stayed up many a night wondering how to make it work. I’ve made lists and I’ve written some real crap. I don’t know why in the hell I worry so much about it. I am certain that ~~some~~ many would say to me to just move the fuck on, but for some reason I just can’t let it go. I have this nagging voice in my head that won’t let me give up. I swear it feels like I’m trying to do something not just for myself, but for so many of my friends who support me and what I’m doing here on a daily basis. My thought processes have been so random lately it has been hard to come up with the perfect approach.

First it was making one of those pics asking for one million Facebook likes and then you would agree to set something up. Surely that shit works for all those people whose faces show up in my news feed. If hundreds/thousands/a million people think it should happen, then it will. Right? I then had a glass of wine and remembered how redonkulous those are so I made this one, just to add that special touch to this post. Totally not the least bit embarrassing.

Um…no.

Hey! How about a working with an amazing company to create something inspired by you? Hell yeah I did that. I worked with my amigas over at A Girl and Her Band to create this AMAZING headband, appropriately named Captain Jack, that is now available on their website. For now I had to use a miniature version of you to show it off, but I will bring one with me when we meet so that we can do something incredible for these inspiring ladies.

Since I can’t rely on getting one million Facebook likes to make something happen, I am going to have to rely on my writing skills for this. Sonofa…. Trying to decide which path to take here has been difficult. I did the letter, I’ve done the movie review, I’ve even gotten my ass up at four in the morning on a whim holding on to that slim chance that I would have a chance to meet you. I could sit here and blabber on about how much I adore you and how much I think you are all that and a bag of chips and how all your movies are spectacular, but even my five-year-old could read through that bullshit. What could I possibly write that would be different from the millions of other letters that you receive?

It was when I was talking with the Enabler and she asked me: If you had the chance to actually sit and talk to him, what would you talk about? Holy. Shit. Why did I not think of this sooner? I need to brainstorm over wine more often.

Let’s just imagine for a minute can we, you and I at a table in a quaint little restaurant. I have a salad because I probably can’t really eat out of fear of having something in my teeth, or having gas; you have a full plate of delightful food and I am extremely jealous because I’m starving. Both of us would have wine of course, except I would most likely down the first glass to calm my nerves. Don’t be alarmed, this will make the conversation much more interesting for both of us. We would get the bullshit out-of-the-way immediately. Yes, I have five kids. Yes, they are all mine. Yes, they were all planned. Yes, they all have the same daddy. Yes, I’m happily married. Yes, we really farm. Oh wait, you thought that YOU would be answering all the questions. I just assumed that you would be so intrigued by me that your list of questions would be never-ending. My bad.

Once you were finished with all your questions, I am confident that I could come up with some suitable conversation starters. I usually suffer from a serious case of verbal diarrhea, especially when I’m nervous, so there is no doubt that it would lead to many foot in mouth moments so please be sure to bring your sense of humor. Rest assured I would at least make the effort to appear like I have half a clue. I am fairly educated and I read quality <ahem> literature (like my own book, I Just Want to Pee Alone) when I have time (which isn’t very often) so surely I will be able to keep up with the conversation. I joke, but really these days I am just trying my best just to form logical thoughts and form coherent sentences. Thanks to my kids I don’t know how much I have left upstairs so I need to seize the moment and utilize what I’ve got while I still have it. The amount of quality adult interaction that I get to enjoy really is limited, so don’t be scared to just tell me to shut the hell up if I happen to get a little wordy.

In all seriousness though, I don’t want to interview you. I am sure you sit through so many of those snore-fests you don’t need another session of the same boring-ass questions. I’m not a journalist trying to land that big movie star interview in order to further my career. I’m a mom who writes for a little bit of mental therapy. I put my thoughts out there for total strangers to read with the hopes that maybe I will give someone a smile or encourage someone to make a change. If it’s a good day I will help someone get just the laugh that they needed to push them up from the depths of grumpiness or help that stressed out momma realize that she isn’t alone. That the very same shit that she has dealt with today, happened in my house yesterday. Luckily for me, very few people (translation my family and a handful of friends) would even know who I was if they saw me walking down the street. Anonymity definitely has it’s perks.

I have absolutely no agenda and I have no wonderful story to tell you as to why I deserve to meet you. I lead what many would consider an “ordinary” life on a farm in the middle of Kansas. I have nothing spectacular to tell you about myself besides I have five amazing kids and one very supportive husband. I can tell you that I’m a devoted fan, a devoted wife and mother to my family, and a devoted writer and entertainer for all my friends. I drink, I swear, I say what I think and do what I say I will. I make people laugh, I make my kids cry, and I have terrible indigestion right now because I know it’s time to hit the publish button on this post and the people, they will read it and they will roll their eyes, and for fucks sake I hope they share it and blow up the internet. I suppose I will leave the rest up to the power of the interwebs, fate….and you.

Peace. Out. xoxo

Filed Under: Family, Friendship, Gratitude, Johnny Depp, Uncategorized, wine

Mom, Are We Poor?

May 8, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 22 Comments

What. In. The. Hell. Not quite the question I expected to get from my eleven year old as I conducted my normal post school day interrogation Upon further questioning it came to light that a classmate had asked her if we were poor because she didn’t have any school pictures to bring home like some of the others. If there ever was a time in which I ever wanted to suggest to my child to tell someone to fuck off and mind their own business, this was it. Um…have you seen school pictures lately? Horrendous. Besides, the condition of my checkbook is no business of a fifth grader. Not even my own.

After drying her tears and reassuring her that we are in fact not poor, I felt it the opportune time to inform her that we are not what many would consider rich either. While we are not financially strapped and are able to provide our kids with the things that they need, it takes some planning on our part to be able to give them the things that they want. More importantly I wanted to stress to her that while we may not be monetarily rolling in the dough, we are rich in so many other ways. Ways that she may not understand at this exact moment. Ways that don’t agree with her “cater to me right now” mentality. Ways that maybe some of her friends don’t get to enjoy.

We live in a ninety-year-old house. Not just any old house mind you, Farmer Bob grew up in this house. While it doesn’t have sparkly new fixtures, cable TV and brand new carpet, it has things that are so much better. It has character and memories and an outhouse. We have a fort in the trees and hay in the barn to play hide and seek in. We have open space to play baseball in the yard and plenty of room to get away from each other if we need to. We have food on the table and clothes on our backs. We have fun together, we fight, we argue, we love. We are a family.

Being rich in the monetary sense would be fantastic don’t get me wrong. To not have to worry about how to cover this bill or that bill, to be able to give our kids a few of the things that are wanted whenever desired would be an amazing feeling. The question I have to keep asking myself is would I be willing to sacrifice so many wonderful moments in order to have the financial stability to satisfy what would undoubtedly become insatiable appetites for shit that serves no other purpose than to allow our family to slowly disintegrate into seven separate entities instead of one strong familial unit? The answer to that…HELL NO.

It is never easy to tell our kids no, you don’t need that. As parents we have this primordial desire to provide for them, to satisfy their every desire. We feel as if we are failing them if we can’t serve them everything that they want and need on a silver platter. Maybe we are actually failing them if we do throw all their earthly desires at their feet with no request for repayment. Are we raising a generation of entitled assholes? I hear how kids talk to their parents, my own included. I see the look of fear in a mother’s eyes of what might happen if she says no to that toy, my own included. It scares the shit out of me. Scares me that as parents we allow it. That it seems that we really are raising the kind of adults that we ourselves can’t stand to be around.

What scares me even more is the thought that these kids won’t grow up to appreciate the things that don’t cost a fortune. That they won’t understand that you don’t have to be rich in the financial sense to be rich in so many other ways. That family comes first and the rest of it is just “stuff”. That we have riches that far exceed anything that money can buy. That in fact, some of the best things in life truly are free and can’t be captured in some stupid school picture.

Filed Under: Children, Chores, Family, Gratitude, kids, Love, Motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Parenting Skills I Picked Up Playing Those Pesky Board Games

April 24, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 4 Comments

We play a ton of board games around here. “Mom, can you play a board game with me?” is one of the most popular questions around here. Sometimes it is the same game for a few days in a row and at times, with a little prodding, we can switch it up to something a little more exciting. As I was returning lost pieces to the game closet, I perused our selection of games and started thinking (which is always dangerous) about how playing these games as a kid myself unknowingly prepared me for parenthood. You with me so far? Here we go:

Guess Who: You know the crime, but who did it? Do they have blonde hair? Do they still poop their pants? Do they have a vagina or a penis? Can they read? Wipe their own butts? Speak in full sentences? Are they clothed? Do they have food in their hair?

Clue: Very similar to Guess Who with the added stress of discovering the crime and the weapon of choice. I suspect it was the five-year-old, in the living room, with the permanent marker. No? How about the eight-year-old, in the closet, with the scissors?

Chutes and Ladders: You bust your ass to get all the way up to the top only to slip-up and have to slide all the way back to the beginning. Relevant for things like potty training, eating with utensils, turning laundry right-side out, and of course proper table manners. Didn’t we just have the discussion last night about not farting at the table?

Memory: Who has practice tonight? Where is that concert? What cookies? How many kids do I have again? Where is my grocery list? Why did I walk into this room?

Operation: The one game you see as pointless until you need to remove that splinter or that bean from someone’s nose. How in the hell did you get rocks in your butt? Is that a Lego in your ear? If you don’t poop soon I’m going to have to help you out. I promise, this will only hurt for a second.

Monopoly: You bust your ass to save money and in the blink of an eye some asshole has taken it all. This game also taught us the fine art of patience because it. never. ends.

Perfection: Working under pressure seems to work pretty well until you run out of time and all hell breaks loose. You scream, you yell, you pee just a little.

Risk: Logistics. Trying to decide if you really want to head into the tween’s bedroom for a surprise cleaning? Do you have big enough balls to attempt to overtake the enemy that is the shithole they live in? Once you conquer one enemy you have to re-evaluate your troops (AKA, your caffeine intake) to see if you have the supplies to attempt an attack on the next. If you go in unprepared, make sure to have an ample supply of reinforcements for afterwards (AKA, wine).

Hungry Hungry Hippos: Quick, shove all the food in your mouth. Meal time really is a race to see who can get done first.

Mousetrap: Chase them around all day long, but you aren’t going to catch them unless you construct some high-falootin contraption…that works. All else fails, offer cheese.

Don’t Break the Ice: You can tiptoe around all day in an effort to keep everyone safe and happy, but one wrong move and you are screwed.

Battleship: You have to ask around in order to find that permission slip for the field trip or that one missing shoe. Where is the TV remote? I know I had that secret stash of chocolate somewhere. You never know where it is, but with the right questions and the use of the fine art of elimination, hopefully you can find what you were looking for.

Trivial Pursuit: You think you know everything that your kids are doing but in reality, you know JACK. SQUAT.

Who wants to play with me?

Are you in the Kansas City area? Clear your schedule for Saturday, April 27 and come join myself, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and Stacey from Nurse Mommy Laughs for an I Just Want to Pee Alone book signing event from 10:00-12:00 at The Mommy Shop, 14870 Metcalf Ave, Overland Park, KS. There will be snacks and more importantly mimosas. We would love to see you there!

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching. You know what would make great gifts? These books right here. You need them. Your mom needs them. Your mother-in-law/aunt/grandmother/teacher/neighbor/best friend need them. You won’t be disappointed, I promise.

Filed Under: Children, Family, Humor, kids, Motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

Don’t Be a Bloghole; Valentine’s Edition

February 11, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 13 Comments

Welcome back! I decided that this time we will try to give the place a little love with it being Valentine’s Day and all. While I am not a huge fan of the day myself, mainly because I don’t need a special day to tell Farmer Bob that he’s the apple of my eye, a lot of people dig it and I’m all about spreading the love. This time let’s all try to link up a post that we have written about love. It could be to your spouse, a certain celebrity that you have a fondness for (WHAT? Who does THAT????), or anyone else that you think is the bomb-diggity. Link up your one (and this time you can even go with two, just to change things up a bit) post all about love. Funny, sappy, it doesn’t matter…just do it.

What is a Bloghole?:

Someone that talks, tweets, and acts poorly in a blog. A bloghole follows another blog just to get a “follow back;” then unfollows immediately after the pay out (happens often on Twitter). A bloghole blogs with the intention of becoming popular or “making it big” (do we know anyone that has happened to?). A bloghole comments just to get you to follow them.

~Definition courtesy of Urban Dictionary

The idea for this blog hop came to me after a Twitter conversation a few months ago. After finding out that bloggers are tired of all the “rules” that come attached to other blog hops, I decided to make a place for bloggers to link up with no strings attached. You get to decide who you read, who you follow, what you like, with no pressure to follow back. Just in case you don’t remember, here are the few rules that I have established;

1. You are not required to follow anyone. This hop is for those of you that link up to gain real, true followers. As a matter of fact, I ask you not to follow if you are one of those people who will follow for a day then un-follow once that person has followed you back. If you don’t like my blog, that’s fine, I won’t have any hurt feelers about it. I understand that I am not for everyone, never have been and never will be. I would rather you not follow than follow and not read. Please, I beg you, only follow those blogs that you are really going to read on a regular basis. If you REALLY want to follow a blog, sign up for updates by email, that right there proves your long-term commitment.

2. After reading their entire post, leave a meaningful comment on those blogs that you do decide to follow. What do I mean by a “meaningful” comment? Here are some examples of what does NOT constitute a “meaningful” comment:

“now following you from YKIHAYHT ‘s Bloghole Blog Hop, follow me back at www.blah,blah,blah.com.”

“great post”

or one of my all time favorites,

“By Anonymous; great post, I wrote one just like it, you can read it here <insert annoying self-promoting link here> .” (Um, you just left your website, I think I know who you are and that you, in fact, are NOT a genius.)

3. Spread this hop all over the interwebs. Tweet it, Facebook it, Pin it, Google + it. Why? Not because I want people to come here and read my stuff, well I guess I kind of do but I want them to come find YOU as well. This Hop is all about YOU. If people don’t know about this how will they know to;

1. Come here and link up themselves, and

2. Come here and find YOU and all the other great blogs to read.

4. Be sure to put your blog in the appropriate “category”. Don’t know exactly where you fit? Choose the ONE that is MOST fitting for YOU. I know some <ahem> parenting blogs are funny, some crafty blogs include food, find the one that MOST fits your blog. For example, I would put my own blog in the humor section because even though I write about parenting, I like to think my humor about it is what brings you all back. This makes it easier not just for you, but for readers as well. Let’s be honest, not every blog floats every person’s boat. If you don’t like DIY blogs, you don’t want to click on one. If you don’t like parenting blogs, or humor blogs, or giveaway blogs, or foodie blogs….you get the picture. Let’s just say I’m making it easy on you to find what YOU want to read. If you don’t see a category for you, put it in the “other” category. PLEASE let me know if there is a category I should add down in the comments below, I don’t want to leave anyone out!

So…here we go, find your category, link up your ONE, (only one please) favorite post from the past couple of weeks, read some other great blogs, and most importantly…DON’T BE A BLOGHOLE! Please only link up in ONE category. Suggestions are always welcome!

Filed Under: Uncategorized

How Flipping Burgers Made Me a Better Parent

February 5, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 11 Comments

When I was fifteen years old my parental units gave me a choice; either get a job to help pay for your car insurance and gas, or walk. As you can probably imagine it really wasn’t that difficult of a choice. They were kind enough to buy me my first car (don’t be jealous, it was a 1981 Ford LTD and we often joked that it came with its very own docking permit) so I guess it was only fair that I be responsible for the things I needed in order to drive it. Of course in 1990 gas was under one dollar a gallon and insurance on old Ethel was minimal, but a beast like that was gonna burn the gas and I needed the cash to fill her up. I was left no choice. I got a job. I didn’t just get any job though. I got THE job. Burger flipper supreme.

At the time it was just a job. The building was so small that you could fart at one end and smell it at the other, simultaneously. It was old-school. Fresh meat, fresh potatoes, no cash register to tell you how much change to give. It was a way for me to make a enough cash to buy a tank of gas a week, which at the time was twenty bucks for the boat (that was so much money back then, I would love to be able to fill up my car for twenty bucks now), buy a few clothes, and of course support my very busy social life <cough, cough>. I still laugh at how I thought I was rolling in the dough on four bucks and a few cents an hour. Looking back on it now, I have realized that it taught me so many other things besides how to blow a paycheck in one weekend. While I never thought that flipping burgers and peeling potatoes would give me anything that I could use as a mother, I think have figured out how my high school job helped prepare me for motherhood. How in the hell can I equate cooking hamburgers and raising kids? I don’t really know, but this is the way my brain is working right now so let’s just roll with it.

Onions. They make you cry. Imagine being given a twenty pound bag of them and having to peel, cut in half, and chop the entire bag. Repeat at least twice a week. Sound like fun? Not really. Like peeling onions, there are times when motherhood makes me cry. Maybe it is from peeling back the layers on a difficult situation. Maybe it is the residual stink left on your hands afterwards. All I know is that tears are involved. Some days there will be more tears depending on the strength of the onion. Some days the layers come off easily, some days you have to fight to get to the important stuff. Some days you stick your head in the freezer using the cold to stop the tears, some days you stick your head in the fridge looking for a cold bottle of Riesling to help ease your pains.

Big bags of meat. Sounds gross, but we would have to take these five-pound bags of hamburger, ball it and smash them in order to form the burgers. Yep, fresh meat makes for better burgers this is true. Our little people are given to us unshaped. I suppose if you wanted to be technical you could say they come in a bag and some weigh about five pounds. Which if your kids were that small, my now cavernous hoo-ha and I are jealous. Anywho let’s not go there, back to bags of meat. Just like a lump of beef, our kids need to be formed into something amazing. It is up to us to form those patties, cook em up until they are just right, and serve them up to the public in an appealing package for consumption. If you don’t do it right, they can be unappealing and sickening to the stomach.

You can’t have a nice juicy hamburger without a side of french fries. Farmer Bob would say onion rings, but believe me when I say that onion rings are never a good option. It grosses me out enough to watch them be eaten, smelling them hours later is tortuous. French fries. That is where it is at. Not just any fries though, they have to be fresh. One would never thing that sitting in front of two, one hundred-pound sacks of taters armed with a peeler and a trash can could teach you anything, but you sit your ass on a bucket with those two hundred pounds of starchy deliciousness and two hours to peel them all and you quickly learn how to handle monotony, frustration, and the removal of fingernails. While motherhood is very exciting and always changing in many ways, we have those days in which we are in a rut and never know if we are going to get out. We find ourselves bruised and dirty, but with a little bit of patience, the removal of some of the outer layers of skin, and soon you find yourself at the bottom of that bag ready to chop up your problems and serve them up fried with a side of ketchup.

Once you polish off that burger and fries, you must have a milkshake just to add those few extra pounds right to your ass. I mean you have to have a milkshake in order to have that sweet taste in your mouth afterwards. When I say milkshake, I mean a real shake with real ice cream and real milk blended up on a shake machine until it is so thick your spoon stands straight up. I do NOT mean some pre-made mix that comes out of a machine like poo out of a baby’s butt. Just like family life, you gather up all the ingredients and you blend it all together. Some days it comes together nicely and you are left with a cup of thick deliciousness that everyone wants to be a part of. Other days nothing gels and you are left with an unrecognizable mess of runny goop that all you want to do is throw it across the room while screaming obscenities at your co-workers, or husband. When it all comes together it is amazing, but when it doesn’t it is like a super-sized serving of shit soup. You take the good ones and try to remember exactly how you did that so that next time you can replicate it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Once you are done with your meal, you can’t forget about the clean up. Here’s something you may not know, hamburgers and french fries are greasy. Shocking I know, but true. It could have been due to my extreme clumsiness but for the sake of my self-esteem let me just tell you that greasy floors are slicker than snot on a doorknob. When you are busy flipping them burgers, or having a dance party on floors like that, your chances of ending up flat on your ass are great. Just like that time you accidentally cursed at your ten-year old, or threw away your eight-year old’s favorite drawing, as parents we all have times when we slip, fall, and endure a shot to our pride. The thing to do is to lay there for a while in the grease and laugh at yourself. Then you must get back up, wipe yourself off, clean that shit up and get back to life. Life goes on, even if you are covered in slime. Or poo. Or even a little vomit. Put a little bit of time and elbow grease into it and before you know it you are back to dancing on your own two feet on a much steadier surface.

While at the time that job was just all about the money in my pocket, that job taught me more than I could possibly have realized at fifteen/sixteen/seventeen years old. I stayed at that job until I didn’t come home in the summers from college. I made friends that I still have to this day, and lessons that will help me survive this parenting gig one single hamburger and pile of fries at a time.

One last thing, do me a favor if you would please. Go to this website right here, read the story and watch the video. Then next time you are at Wal-Mart or Target and you see those slippers sitting there, buy a couple of pairs. Take them home and put them in a box and send them to Lilly. She is an amazing girl and I would love to help her reach her goal. It won’t take much of your time, but it sure will bring a smile to so many. I thank you and I know Lilly will too.

Filed Under: Children, parenting, Thankful, Uncategorized

The Week in Review; 1/27

January 27, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 4 Comments

Another week gone already? Damn the time flies. As I was thinking about this past week, I thought of a couple of things. 1. Have you signed up to follow me via email? I know quite a few of you follow me on Facebook, but you and I both know how reliable that is. <cough, cough> All you gotta do is put your email address right in that little box up there on the very top left sidebar. You know you want to. All the cool people are doing it.

This week I resurrected an old post from way back giving our Men a few suggestions to help make our lives just a little easier. I had a handful of people tell me that it was a pointless list because their men already do all that. To that I say kudos to you, but I may have my doubts as to the truthfulness of that statement. Really.

I spent Tuesday afternoon in the doctor’s office, for myself this time. As I was waiting I realized exactly how much I rely on my iPhone. It is like an attachment almost and it gave me the idea to write this little list: Can You Poop Without Your Smart Phone? After publishing this post, I have also realized that I am not alone in my addiction. That is both disturbing and refreshing all at once.

Friday I took it to the people. I asked my Facebook friends to ask me questions. What they wanted to know about me. Nothing was off-limits, and I got some really great questions. I then challenged myself to answer the questions and form a logical post in less than two hours, which is very difficult for me. Especially when I juggle that with laundry, a potty-training two-year old, and a four-year old with the attention span of a gnat. I did it and posted Your Questions; My Answers

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

I read some pretty good stuff this week too. Susan over at Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva taught me how to hide my special “mommy snacks” from the little thieves, I mean the lovely angels that I live with.

I simply adore this post, Not a Care, from Jessica at Four Plus an Angel about love. Love is love and this post is beautiful.

When I read Ghost Stories from Bad Parenting Moments, all I could think about were my own Grandmothers. Her writing is so incredible and I love that she showed her softer side for just a little bit. Beautiful, beautiful words from a beautiful friend.

Any time Blissfully Discontented writes a post, I know that I will love it. Her words touch me so deeply I just can’t even explain it. This week she wrote about her struggle to make a huge decision about her career in Or Am I? It reminded me of the hard times I had going to work when Mini-Me was just a baby, and making that decision to start staying home. God I love her so freaking much.

So…this week I have some big plans. I asked some friends to help me with some very important blogging tips, it’s almost that time again to not be a Bloghole and join my linky party. There was something else… <think, think, think> Oh yeah, this week marks one year since I started this party. I guess that’s kind of a big deal. Short of being married to Farmer Bob and my relationship with Johnny, this is one of my most treasured commitments. I’m sure I’ll write something mushy and smushy in celebration.

Before you leave, don’t forget that you can follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Don’t miss out, there is tons of good laughs to be had and hours to be wasted. Have a good week and as always, thanks for reading my words.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Your Questions; My Answers

January 25, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 5 Comments

I thought for fun this morning I would ask my Facebook friends what they wanted to know about me. I figured day in and day out they read my randomness so in return I would let them ask me some questions. Then I made the mistake of putting myself under pressure to answer their questions in a logical post in less than two hours. This could be interesting. Here we go:

1. Are you married, have kids, go to school, a millionaire? (Someone is new here) Yes I am married to Farmer Bob, 15 years and counting. We produced five kids in eight years and my uterus is now in retirement. I went to school for many years. I started when I was five and finally finished at the age of twenty-two. We are not millionaires, we are farmers.

2. What state are you from? We live in Kansas where we were both born and raised. We have had stints in North Carolina and Texas, but there really is “no place like home”.

3. When you were little, what did you think a Mom’s job was? It’s hard to remember that long ago, I just know that my mom always had food on the table, clean clothes for me to wear, and an “I love you” to send my way anytime she could fit it into conversation.

4. What are your primary concerns for your life? This is a tough one. I would have to say not being here for my kids. Worse yet, losing a child.

5. How did you come to the decision that four kids was something you could handle? Four wasn’t an issue, but it is a good thing we had number five before we realized the full potential of number four. Oofta.

6. Have you added to your tattoo collection? Not yet, but my birthday is coming up and I have ideas.

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up? If you could choose a different career now, what would it be? Do you work outside of the home? For the longest time I wanted to be an Astronaut. Then my eyesight went to hell and I realized that I suck at math so that wasn’t going to work. It was then I decided that in a classroom was where I needed to be. Then I had kids and I knew what I was really meant to be. I work from home in my pajamas which is perfect for me. Now I just need to grow up I suppose.

8. Since you have Johnny for a boyfriend, does Farmer Bob have a girlfriend? If he does, he keeps her a secret which I find incredibly frustrating . I am very open with him about Johnny and I’s relationship, I think it would only be fair for him to enlighten me a bit. I try to tell him that I wouldn’t be jealous, but being the nice guy he is he swears there is no other. I start to feel guilty for a bit and then I look at Farmer Bob, and I look at Johnny, and realize how freaking lucky I am to have two hot guys in my life.

9. Who is your favorite person that you road-tripped to Florida with for Spring Break in 1996? The same sorority sister that I swiped Farmer Bob from. At first I was afraid that it was a trap and that I wouldn’t return back home intact, but it turned out to be a pretty awesome trip.

10. If you could go back in time, would you change anything? No. Things happen to us for a reason, it is what makes us who we are. If I changed anything I would run the risk of not being the person/wife/mother that I am today.

11. Are you always so upbeat and funny? Hell no. I have those certain days during the month (you ladies know what I mean) in which I hate people. Not you people, but those assholes that find it necessary to irritate the crap out of me. Like that time I mentioned something about taking my kids to Vacation Bible School. Remember that? No? Well catch up here. Good times.

12. What is your favorite meal? Mmmm…give me some homemade Chicken and Noodles with mashed potatoes and corn. Heavenly.

13. What is the biggest pet peeve or annoying thing the kids do that makes you wanna put your shoe up their lil arses but once the moment has passed you wouldn’t trade all that frustration, aggravation & insanity for anything? Right now, whining. It is like fingernails on a damn chalkboard and makes me want to duct tape all their little mouths shut. Instead I use the same voice right back to them and they grunt and roll their eyes at me. It brings me great joy.

14. What are you wearing? Bow chicka wow wow…I’m wearing an old t-shirt and black fleece sweat pants. Don’t be jealous of my awesome fashion choices. At least I have on a bra and I even squeezed in a shower.

bigstock-LOS-ANGELES--JAN---Johnny--20295164

Guilty pleasure? Maybe….

15. This is going to be one big joint question/answer session for my friend Joni… Alpacas? No, we have sheep. Eggs? Fried or scrambled. I don’t discriminate based on color. Guilty pleasures? You have to ask? I know you have seen my boyfriend. Missed a plane? Nope. Morning or night? Night owl. Pets? Mini-Me recently took on a rabbit. I lost my pooch a year ago and my heart isn’t ready for another one yet. Favorite beverage: In the morning, coffee. Afternoon, Diet Dr. Pepper. Evening, Wine. Do you like your name? Do I have a choice? Neat freak or slob? In the middle. I lean toward neatness. Shoe size? 10. I have, as my granny used to say, a “firm foundation”. TP over or under? Since I’m the only one that knows how to change it, over. Side of bed? Left. Can you drive a stick? <giggles> Yes. Wanna be my friend? This is up for debate. Right now I have my reservations. I may be just a tad frightened.

Someone asked me about blogging advice. I will have an entire post on that next week in honor of the day that I wrote my very first blog post one year ago. Oh boy the things I have learned. I even recruited some friends to help me with it so it will be a good one. There is no way I could write something like that all on my own. In the meantime you can read this one here to get you by.

Thanks for playing along, it has been fun! Have a great weekend and we will see you back here on Monday! xoxo

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Week in Review; 1/19

January 19, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 9 Comments

We made it through another week yo. This week was UP, and then it was down, then back UP, and judging by the hacks and coughs coming from the little’s rooms, we are on our way back down. This winter has been the sickest one in this house since we had kids, almost eleven years now. Is it spring yet? Last week I was hoping for it as I was trapped in the house with a sick two year old. I kept a diary and shared it with you this week in Dear Diary, My Kid is Sick. I’m hoping to not have to go through another week like that, because I know that next time there will most likely be vomit involved.

This week also brought up the ever popular, Don’t Be a Bloghole blog hop, linky party, shindig. Every other week I put it up there, and every other week people keep showing up to share their awesomeness. I feel like the movie Field of Dreams “if you build it, they will come”. These awesome people are here and if you don’t check out at least a handful of them you are so totally missing out. Thank you to all that continue to come and link up. I adore you.

This week I also took us back in time. Back to the times BC, otherwise known as “before children”. It has been long enough for me that I have a difficult time remembering what it is like to pee alone without the inquisition of ”mom, are going poop or just pee”. Read about that and see what else I miss doing in Things I Used to Do Alone.

In other exciting news, I have been chatting with my friend Amy from Positive Parenting Solutions and I am so excited to tell you that her and I are teaming up to offer all of my readers and friends a free Webinar on February 28 at 9 PM EST. She is going to give us all some super helpful parenting hints during this one hour event called Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. I have to be honest, at first I was unsure of the response I would get about this but after asking my Facebook friends and getting an overwhelming YES I scheduled with Amy right away. I’m very excited to offer this to you and hope you all will mark your calendars for February 28 at 9:00 PM EST. It will last about an hour and is interactive so you will be able to ask questions and get answers right there!

What did I read this week? Hmmmm….I actually read quite a bit. Some of my favorites:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat takes on the iPad Potty. I have been seeing pics of this and all I can say is WHAT IN THE HELL?

My Life and Kids invents that must have item that will help us parents pee in peace. I ordered two of them, without the additions of course.

Let Me Start By Saying reminded me why I have such a strong dislike for the Easy Bake Oven. Anyone that can use the words “burrito farts” in a post about an Easy Bake has my attention.

Now that you are all caught up, don’t forget to sign up for email updates from me and follow me via all my social media sites. We have a blast on Facebook, I still suck at Twitter but am getting better, and I have options galore on Pinterest. I’m admittedly a pin-a-holic. Have a great week and as usual, thanks for being here. xoxo

pretty please, do these things

Filed Under: Bloghole, Humor, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Pinterest, Recap, Twitter, Uncategorized, YKIHAYHT

Dear Diary, My Kid is Sick

January 14, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 32 Comments

Day 1:

Dear Diary,

Today one of the kids woke up with a fever. I don’t think I will run him into the doctor just yet since he isn’t complaining of anything hurting and we have no vomit or runny poop. I didn’t have any plans today so we can spend the day cuddling on the couch in our pajamas with blankets and any show he wants to watch. I will work while he takes nice long naps, laundry loads in-between temperature taking and medicine doses. This shouldn’t be too bad. So far there is no vomit, but I took precautionary measures and outlawed all dairy products just in case he gets a bad case of the upchucks. I’ve heard this flu stuff is vicious and I don’t do well with vomit. Here’s to a quick twenty-four hours. I’m optimistic that this will pass quickly and we will be back to normal procedure tomorrow.

Day 2:

Dear Diary,

PITA didn’t sleep too well last night. I think we may have had intermittent moments of sleep, but really the entire evening is a fog. Apparently this is more like a forty-eight hour bug. I am confident that since the fever hit 105 degrees we are on the up and up now. I have coated the house in Lysol and been doing laundry continuously in an effort to keep this from spreading like wildfire. PITA is getting tired of having a thermometer in his pit, but I just remind him that I could put it somewhere less enjoyable. He is too young to understand my jokes. I hate it when sarcasm is wasted, but damn it, it’s my coping mechanism and I’m just trying to survive here. While I love a good challenge, trying to work while holding a roasting hot thirty-seven pound two-year-old in your lap is not quite what I had in mind today. I haven’t bathed, unless you consider being drenched in sweat bathing. I smell delightful and I found a pencil in my hair. I can’t be certain how long it has been there. I sent Farmer Bob to the adult package store because if there is one thing I learned in college it is that alcohol kills germs and I intend on heading these bad boys off at the pass.

Day 3:

Dear Diary,

Did I sleep last night? I decided that since I was already up at 6:00 that I would finally get that shower that I didn’t take yesterday. It was nice to wash off the two-day old funk and hair growth from my pits, even if the only place I’m going is the germ infested cesspool that is the pediatricians office. The things we do to get out of the house. I was hoping that they would give the poor guy something to help him get better so that I don’t have to hear “mama, my face hurt” one more time, but instead I received the ever popular “it’s a virus”. To a mother with very little sleep this translates to “thanks for wasting my time by bringing in your kid with a fever of 105. Don’t you know that if you had waited another day or two it would have passed and you wouldn’t have had to leave your house? Leave your co-pay on your way out because I am planning my trip to the Bahamas. Oh, and chances are I’ll see you back in a couple of days because this is most likely not a virus at all. At this time I will take another co-pay and wonder how I could have missed that pesky ear infection the first time. My bad.” I don’t want to go back home. The traffic is so pretty and there are other adults driving those cars. I want to flag someone down just to have a quick conversation that doesn’t involve the words backpack, hugga-mugga, or ALL ABOARD! I think the Moscato from last night is working. I will need another dose tonight to make sure it is effective.

Day 4:

Dear Diary,

Oh look, the living room needs to be re-painted and I should strip the wallpaper in the dining room. The vacuum needs to be run and I found some more laundry. Where in the hell have these black hairs on my chin come from? Are those the sheep in the living room? HELP ME! I’M A PRISONER IN MY OWN HOME!!! If I don’t get out of this mother effing house soon I am going to need someone to talk me down from the ledge of insanity. It is so bad I am debating cleaning the ceiling fans. Notice I said “debating”, that is pretty serious business right there. How much more fever can one little body take? Really. More importantly, how much Barney/Daniel Tiger/Dinosaur Train/Dora can one incredibly shaky mom take? Are those men with white coats coming up my sidewalk? I need wine. Stat. And a shower. And fresh air. And more wine. Oh, look, dust bunnies. Aren’t they cute?

Day 5:

Dear Diary,

Woke up to a fever free house. It was like the sun rising on a summer morning around here complete with singing angels. I celebrated with some hair color, driving the preschool carpool, a trip to Arby’s, and some Moscato. Fingers/toes/legs/eyes crossed, for the safety of my mental health, that this is the only encounter we have with the plague. If the other kids do become infected, dear diary, I hope it is all at once so that I can just set up an infirmary in the living room and start running this place like a Civil War hospital. Minus the amputations, the rusty tools, and the whiskey. Maybe the whiskey because if I have to endure this again, it may take whiskey to ensure my survival.

Filed Under: Children, Humor, Motherhood, Uncategorized, wine

One Little Book

January 11, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 23 Comments

Mom! I brought home a book for you from the library today. You are going to LOOOOOOve it!

When your six-year-old daughter says something like this to you, many thoughts go through my mind. Things like, “Holy shit, this book is going to have three hundred pages and no pictures and she is going to want to read it in its entirety this weekend”, or “NOT ANOTHER DAMN BARBIE BOOK!”. Just judging by her uncontrollable giggles, I did not have a good feeling about the book that I was going to be forced to read over and over and over again all. weekend. long. I love reading to my kids. I do not enjoy some of their choices. Unsupervised book selection has a tendency to not go well for my kids, so you can imagine how nervous I become when they start using their funny voices telling me how much I am going to LOOOOOve this book. Never in a million years did I expect her to pull this out of her backpack:

Brainwashing or excellent taste?

At first I couldn’t help but giggle, but as I listened to her talk my heart melted into her filthy, germ infested, beautiful little hands. “I was looking for a different book, but saw this one and just knew you would like it so I got it so we could read it together”. I don’t know if it is because of the raging PMS, or the fact that I have been trapped in the house for four days with a sick two-year old, but this one, selfish little act caused my eyes to overflow just a bit. I tried to tell myself that it is just a book. How in the hell can one little library book turn me into mush? Then I realized that it wasn’t the book that did it to me, it was the selfless act of my six-year-old that helped me forget about the armageddon about to break out in my uterus.

As parents, we often dream of what kind of adults our children will grow up to be. Will they be kind? Will they be thoughtful? Will they be total assholes? While we always hope that the latter doesn’t occur, we all know that these days it seems to happen more often than it should. Shall we all take a moment and just imagine what a world this would be without them? Ahhhhhh, how delightful and amazing. Since we all know that an asshole free world will never exist, maybe it is time to concentrate on where we are going astray as parents and what we can do to change it.

This current generation we are raising scares the living crap out of me and we are left to point the finger at ourselves. Why are we as parents are more concerned about becoming their friends and by what kind of parent we appear to be in a public setting instead of actually being their parents? I can admit that I am just as guilty as the next person. While I may not be so concerned about being their friend, I already have plenty of friends, I know I am more concerned with public appearances than I should be. Maybe it is the desire to be accepted by others, maybe it is the desire look like we know what we are doing, maybe it is some deeper issue that I have locked away deep down in my emotional vault. What I do know is that I am mortified of the thought of my kids becoming one of those assholes and if I succeed in nothing else in life, as long as I prevent that from happening, I will die an old, extremely happy, woman.

This one little book left me asking myself if I am the kind of parent that my own parents hoped I would be. What a mind-blowing thought. One that I am hoping I know the answer to. Now as parents ourselves, we often joke with each other that we will never say and do the things that our parents did. You know what I mean, the “well shit, I just sounded like my mother” moments, but when you really think about it and take a good long look in the mirror, we seem to have turned out pretty good so are those oddities that we tried to fight for so long really that bad? I suppose it is time to accept the fact that our parents really did know what they were talking about all those years. Damn, that was really hard to type.

What I do know is that little miss Mouse gave me hope last night. Hope that Farmer Bob and I are on the right path. Hope that we are raising the kinds of kids that we can be proud of. Hope that kindness and love can overtake the assholes and the hate. Hope that our kids will grow up to the be the kind of parents that we hope they can be. This journey that we are on as mothers, as fathers, as parents, is without a doubt the most difficult thing we have ever done. Harder than college algebra or writing that thesis. Harder than perfecting that recipe or choosing a paint color for the living room. Harder because there isn’t a textbook. There isn’t a recipe. We can’t pick out the “perfect” child from a paint chip. They are put into our lives for us to nurture and develop into the kind adults that we can be proud of. Maybe if we all agreed to be the kind of parents that we hope our own kids will be, we can have a little bit more hope for our future. In the meantime, sit down and enjoy a book with them and don’t be afraid to look at the pictures.