The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

I Swear if You Win This Crappy Prize You’ll Get to Just Pee Alone

May 3, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 64 Comments

Once upon a time there was a mother who appeared to have her life together. Her clothes were always clean, she had no need for , and her hair and makeup were perfection every time she left the house. She just knew that if she left the house not looking like then all the other moms in her circle would think she was a mess. She HAD to look like she had a damn clue. She HAD to appear to have it all together. What these “friends” didn’t know about this mother was that while she seemed to have it all together on the outside, on the inside she had so many secrets. Secrets that she felt she could never tell anyone because they would then think she was a craptastic wife/mother/woman.

She wanted to let her secrets out. She NEEDED to tell someone with the hopes she would discover she wasn’t alone. She wanted to announce to the world that she occasionally has sweet dreams about and that it is possible that she has a small fondness for . (Who does that? I mean Johnny Depp, really? Can’t she be original? Sheesh.) She wanted to get her friends drunk and swap stories about well endowed men and sex and vaginas and boobs. She wanted to help them to realize that talking about these things doesn’t make them shitty wives, they make them normal women with healthy libidos which in turn makes them BETTER wives.

She didn’t want to be judged for drinking too much in the morning, or too much at night, because damn it, those are the things that help her get through the day. Throw in an obscene amount of and at times it was the only way she could stop the one-way train to crazy town. She wanted to help her friends realize that it’s normal for their kids to drive them bat shit crazy from time to time and that it is more than acceptable to drink a glass a wine or eat half a package of chocolate if that is what helps bring the blood pressure down to a manageable level. She needed to know that she wasn’t alone in this and that the time for pretending that motherhood is full of rainbows and glitter has passed. It was time to cut the shit.

She was going to tell her friends that she didn’t have it all together. She wanted them to know that in reality all she really wanted to do was lock herself in the bathroom and scream !!!! She wanted to scream it from the fucking mountaintops that she was proud to be a curse word aficionado, and card-carrying member of the club. She wanted to admit that her life with her kids is nowhere near as perfect as she pretends it to be. She knew deep down that if people wanted to know about her life as a mother, she should probably just hand out copies of to all. She knew that these three books were her life in a mashed up nutshell and she hadn’t even had the time or the money to add them to her collection. She needed to get her hands on them. STAT.

So when this woman saw the opportunity from and to win an amazing Mother’s Day survival basket, she knew she had to enter for her chance to win copies of , , and . Throw in a $25 spa gift card, a DVD copy of , not to mention (chocolate) and (coffee and a mug) and she knew she had to enter. She just knew in her heart that she would win and once she did, she would no longer give a shit what her so-called “perfect” friends thought of her. She pictured herself telling all those Judgy McJudgerson bitches to take a long walk off a short pier, and then she would take her prize and retreat to her bedroom on Mother’s Day where she would lock the door and lay around drinking coffee while reading these amazing and hilarious books and shoving all the chocolate into her mouth.

It couldn’t be any easier to win. All a girl has to do is to leave a comment on this blog telling a secret that she keeps from her circle of friends. What does she secretly snack on while her kids are sleeping? Who did she dream about last night? What curse words does she use when she is home alone but would never say in front of another person? Does she dream of leaving the house with her hair in a messy bun and no make-up? Does she have a certain friend that she secretly can’t stand? It really doesn’t matter what it is, let it out here!

Recap: 1. Up for grabs, a kick ass prize pack containing a signed copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone, a signed copy of Moms Who Drink and Swear, a copy of Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures, plus a $25 spa gift card, chocolate, coffee and a mug, and a DVD.

2. Enter by a) leaving a comment on the blog telling us a racy secret and b) drop your info in the Rafflecopter. You can’t win if you don’t do both.

3. Check your email on 5/7 to see if you have won. Good luck to you all!

Entries will be accepted until Midnight CST on 5/6/2013. The winner will be contacted via email and if no response is given within 24 hours a new winner will be drawn! Good luck!!

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Don’t want to wait? Click on the books below and order your copies RIGHT NOW. While you are at it be sure to order copies for your mother/mother-in-law/grandmother/aunts/neighbors/cousins/OB-GYN/worst enemy. They all MUST read all three of these books. You never know, it may just lighten them up just a little. Help them remove the stick. Laughter, it really is the best medicine.

Filed Under: Book, Friendship, Gifts, Giveaway, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, Johnny Depp, Motherhood, The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, YKIHAYHT

I Have Something to Tell You

February 22, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 24 Comments

I have something very serious to tell you. I have been thinking about this for a really long time and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to break the news. Oh boy this is hard. I don’t even know how to tell you this. You all know I love this blog and how much I adore all of you who are here reading it every time I put some words out there. In all honesty though, it’s been hard lately, this writing stuff.

Between the recent herpes outbreak, taking a ride on the Character Assassination Carousel, making an appearance to help my friend Allison over at motherhoodwtf?, and having one of my favorite posts ever being published on Mamalode, it’s been quite a couple of weeks around here. Throw in our upcoming free parenting webinar by Amy of Positive Parenting Solutions and it’s been crazy busy around here. Don’t get me wrong, they are all very exciting things (well, except the herpes. Who ever wakes up and says OH GOOD, I have HERPES?). I love helping friends out as often as I can and one of my personal goals is to be published elsewhere. It’s part of my plan for total world domination. But I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m tired. My brain is tired. At times my heart is tired. I know, you are probably saying “Tara, suck it up buttercup. We are all busy, you aren’t special.” To that I say good gravy you are right. It is time to put on my big girl panties and get over it. It still doesn’t change the fact that my brain is giving me a big fat finger lately when it comes to having logical thoughts.

When I think about what to do here, I am torn. This blog is my outlet but some things I’m afraid to write about, some things I write half a post and then I re-read it and think…oh boy, this sucks. Some things I just know are repetitive and boring and overdone. I don’t like feeling afraid of what I write about. I don’t like feeling like I can’t publish something because I’m scared of the backlash I might get. I’m not one who enjoys using a filter out of fear and it seems like these days I have to use my filter more than I really like to. I know this is my blog and I should write about whatever I damn well please, but you all know how vicious people can be.

That makes me start to question if this is all really worth it. If I am afraid to write what I want to write, then why am I here? This is just silly. Should I just fold up shop and go back to venting to Farmer Bob, even if he doesn’t listen all the time? Do I really want to give up the community that we have built over on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest? Something has to give around here, so you know what I decided? Are you in suspense? Do you want to know my decision? I think you do…

HELL NO I’m not giving all this up!!! Were you scared for just a minute? Please tell me your heart skipped a beat, just one. You guys can’t get rid of me that easily, are you kidding me? I guess in a way I’m kind of like herpes. Once you have me, you can never get rid of me. Things may be calm for a while, but if you just sit back and wait I will flare up on you and BOOM, I’m back with a vengeance.

So…what to do, what to do???? Well, how about a book? I’ve had quite a few people *editors note, more than one constitutes the use of the phrase “quite a few”* ask me when I was going to write a book. WHAT???? A book?? Are you crazy? You aren’t, but I am. That’s right, a book. Let’s do this.

I have to be honest, it is not just MY book. The thought of writing an entire book on my own right now makes me want to vomit. So much pressure to be good, and grammatically correct, and proper. Blergh. Blergh. Blergh. So here’s the deal, I was asked to contribute to a book. That’s right, someone besides my mother likes me enough to actually want to publish me in their book. A real book on paper, with a cover. I don’t know that I really believe that it is happening, and I may not until I have a physical copy of the book in my own hands, but I signed papers and everything so something is going down. I may have signed over my kids or my house, but that’s still something.

All I can tell you is that the book will be amazing and hilarious. So many fabulously funny writers contributed to it like my very dear friend The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and Bad Parenting Moments just to name a few. It is slated to be out mid-March so just stay tuned, I’m sure you’ll get tired of hearing about it. Just kidding on that. You will all buy it, and read it, and love it I am sure.

I’m on a book cover! An ACTUAL BOOK COVER! Look at all those awesome names! EEK!

Filed Under: blogging, Book, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Support, Thankful, The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, YKIHAYHT

It’s a Holiday SUR-prise Giveaway!

November 28, 2012 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 37 Comments

I don’t know if you guys are acquainted with my friend Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, but if you are not, WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU LIVE, UNDER A ROCK?? It was only after I spent hours upon hours reading her blog (thanks to a mutual friend sharing it via Facebook), that I decided to start this little project of my own. You heard it here, I had been debating it for months, but it was Jen who unknowingly pushed me into this blogging bit. If you want to blame someone for this, blame her. You can only imagine how surprised I was when she emailed me a while back and asked me to not only read her book (which I was going to do anyway), but to write my own review of it here on my blog. In return she would give me an autographed copy to give to one of you lovely people. For free. Of course I immediately responded to her with an over-exuberant YES, then immediately began pooping myself. What in the hell do you say about someone who you truly believe is all that and a bag of chips?

When trying to decide how in the hell I was going to write a post about her I kept coming back to my dear, sweet Johnny. I know, you are now rolling your eyes and screaming at your computer, “What in the hell Tara! Do you have to mention him in every post? This is supposed to be about Jen, not Johnny”! It has taken me weeks to write this post and in the end, I decided that in order for you to realize the magnitude of my adoration for Jen, this was the only logical path I could possibly take. In all reality, this post has nothing to do with my Johnny, I am merely using him as a point of comparison. The way I look at it, as much free publicity as I give him, he at least owes me this one post. For Jen. This is all for Jen. Back to Jen. Yes, Jen. Focus, regain the focus. Just one picture? Please just one picture? Hell, it’s my blog and I say just one picture.

See, even Johnny is reading it!

I started thinking about ways in which Jen and Johnny are similar and I was flabbergasted at the similarities:

They have both had their brush with greatness. If you remember correctly, Johnny and I crossed paths back in September, and Jen and I crossed paths just a few short weeks ago. While I know it was difficult for both of them to let me go, they both understood that it must be done for the good of the YKIHAYHT family, and this blog. If I had run away with either one of them, it would have been devastating to tens of people, five of those being my littles, one being Farmer Bob, and maybe even my mom.
They both have hundreds of thousands, some would say maybe even millions, of fans. I can totally see how this could have happened.
They both have two kids, a girl and a boy. I will not turn this into a contest, but only two? Come on you guys.
Johnny has recently opened his own publishing company. Jen recently self-published her own book. I read that he is looking for “lesser known” writers. Jen, I am sensing a window of opportunity here. I would be more than willing to help you further investigate this possibility. It would be hard work, and I am certain it would entail long private meetings and quaint private dinners involving bottles of expensive wine, but I would be willing to do it. For you of course. It’s all about you. I am just here to offer my assistance.

Before you become too worried about how eerily alike they are, please be assured that they are in fact, not one in the same. Just to avoid any confusion, let me point out some of their subtle differences:

Jen does in fact have a vagina, while Johnny I am certain, has a penis. I have seen them both in person and while they both did have pants on, I feel pretty confident making this statement.
Jen was not afraid to meet me for lunch to sit and talk for a couple of hours. While I may have scared her slightly with all the yelling due to a plugged up ear, she sat there so pleasantly nodding and smiling giving no indication that she may be uncomfortable. Johnny on the other hand….I’m still waiting for that call/email/restraining order.
Johnny makes blockbuster movies and millions of dollars, is able to jet set all over the world, and owns his own island. Jen writes an amazing blog, is one of the funniest people I know, yearns for a mini-van, and spends most of her quality time with The Hubs, Gomer, and Adolpha while keeping up residence in the great state of Kansas. All the cool people live in Kansas (or visit, or can even find it on a map), bet you never knew that.
The biggest difference I have noticed is that Johnny, as far as I know, has not written an amazingly hilarious holiday book. Jen on the other hand, has not only written an amazingly hilarious holiday book, she self-published it and is promoting it all on her own.

While reading Jen’s book, I found myself giggling, snorting, and laughing loudly enough to wake Farmer Bob. I found myself reminiscing about my own childhood Christmas memories and smiling. It is honest and hilarious and reminded me exactly why I will never have another perm (I know your pain Jen, honestly I do). If you do not have this book, I would highly recommend that you get your hands on a copy. If you do have a copy, I would suggest you buy a copy for ten or twenty of your favorite people. What a great gift for all those people in your life with a great sense of humor! I have placed a link to it up there on the right side of the page where you can order it or download it to your Kindle/Nook/whatever electronic device you use to read books, through Amazon. You can also enter to win one of two autographed copies that Jen so generously gave to myself and DG, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess. (You can read all about how DG and “Professor Punch” started their love affair right here.) If you are lucky enough to win one, DG and I have each put together our own “Holiday Survival Kit” to accompany your book. There will be two winners in this contest which ends Wednesday, December 5. Just so you know, the only similarities between the two Holiday Survival Kits will be Jen’s book, because as Johnny says…”The best kind of prize is a SUR-prise!”

If you don’t mind, could you please give me a vote over at Circle of Moms? I’m participating in their Top 25 Family Blogs and could really use your votes. Click here and click the vote button. When you are done, Jen is vying for Top Book Author Mom, so be sure to click here and vote for her as well. We both greatly appreciate all your support

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