People I Want to Punch in the Throat

So This is Really Happening…

March 15, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 13 Comments

Living in the country we have days in which the UPS man pulling into the yard is the most traffic we see all day. I had been waiting and waiting to see that brown truck this week and every day that passed with nothing was another day I sulked just a little. Today he came and he had boxes. Two of them.

My heart skipped a beat and I brought them in and put them on the table. Since I knew what was inside I couldn’t bring myself to open them right away. I was nervous. I had heart palpitations and sweaty palms, I may have even let a little fart slip out as I jumped up and down in my excitement. Then the reality sunk in. Inside these boxes are books. Not a bunch of books that I ordered to read for my own enjoyment. Books. THESE books:

Books

<cue the tears> These are books that contain my words. Some of them may be dirty and to some inappropriate, but they are still mine. My thoughts. My words. ACK! It wasn’t real until I saw them and held one in my hands. Now it’s official. This is REALLY HAPPENING!

I grabbed the top one and opened it up and glanced at the table of contents and I think my knees buckled just a little. To look at all those names of so many amazing women all in one place, with my name among them, was something that simply took my breath away. It isn’t like it is a new development, this book has been in the works for months. Some of these women I knew before. Some of them I had read but didn’t know personally. All of them I am getting to know better and better every day.

ACK!!!

Since I operate on full disclosure and honesty I feel that I have to tell you that I have actually NOT read this book yet. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid to and I didn’t have a copy. When asked to contribute the list of other contributors was not disclosed. I knew that Jen (People I Want to Punch in the Throat) would put together an amazing list of contributors and that alone made it difficult to write anything somewhat coherent. I struggled for a month to write my piece for her and after a TON of editing I closed my eyes and hit the send button. Once I discovered who all the incredible writers were that were going to be joining me on this adventure, I may have thrown up a little. These are some of the most talented and hilarious women on the interwebs. Now I am in print with them. Mind. Blown.

What I do know without even reading one single page is that this book is AMAZING. To have thirty-seven amazing women all together inside one cover, brilliant. To see thirty-seven women working together to make it succeed, brilliant. To see thirty-seven women who may not necessarily share the same sense of humor or writing styles or beliefs do something so incredible is eye-watering. I’m honored to be a part of this incredible adventure and can’t wait to see where it takes us.

I am in awe of their abilities. I am humbled to be considered a writer of their caliber. I’m still shittin bricks that my name is in that table of contents with all of these lovely ladies:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Four Plus an Angel
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
Naps Happen
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
HouseTalkN
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Snarkfest
Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Momaical
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
Random Handprints
RachRiot
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
My Real Life

So, let’s cut the sappy shit, fricken PMS. Who wants to win a copy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? (Sorry, couldn’t resist) I’m going to give away at least one copy of “I Just Want to Pee Alone”. It will be the winner’s choice of either a paper copy or a Kindle copy. Depending on my mood and the number of entries, I may decide to do more copies you never know. The winner(s) will be announced on Tuesday morning. The more entries there are, the greater the chances of more copies to be handed out…for FREE!!!!

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Don’t want to wait to see if you win? Want to buy a copy for your sister/girlfriend/wife/mother-in-law/OB-GYN/most hated enemy? It won’t even cost you your first born child. Here is all the info. Once you read it, be sure to express your love for the book with a positive review on Amazon. We will worship the ground you walk on if you do

Get it delivered to your door via Amazon: I Just Want to Pee Alone

Download it to your Kindle here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You Nook users can download it here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You can even get it from iTunes here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

Filed Under: blogging, Book, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, mommy blogger, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Thankful, Women, YKIHAYHT

I Have Something to Tell You

February 22, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 24 Comments

I have something very serious to tell you. I have been thinking about this for a really long time and I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to break the news. Oh boy this is hard. I don’t even know how to tell you this. You all know I love this blog and how much I adore all of you who are here reading it every time I put some words out there. In all honesty though, it’s been hard lately, this writing stuff.

Between the recent herpes outbreak, taking a ride on the Character Assassination Carousel, making an appearance to help my friend Allison over at motherhoodwtf?, and having one of my favorite posts ever being published on Mamalode, it’s been quite a couple of weeks around here. Throw in our upcoming free parenting webinar by Amy of Positive Parenting Solutions and it’s been crazy busy around here. Don’t get me wrong, they are all very exciting things (well, except the herpes. Who ever wakes up and says OH GOOD, I have HERPES?). I love helping friends out as often as I can and one of my personal goals is to be published elsewhere. It’s part of my plan for total world domination. But I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m tired. My brain is tired. At times my heart is tired. I know, you are probably saying “Tara, suck it up buttercup. We are all busy, you aren’t special.” To that I say good gravy you are right. It is time to put on my big girl panties and get over it. It still doesn’t change the fact that my brain is giving me a big fat finger lately when it comes to having logical thoughts.

When I think about what to do here, I am torn. This blog is my outlet but some things I’m afraid to write about, some things I write half a post and then I re-read it and think…oh boy, this sucks. Some things I just know are repetitive and boring and overdone. I don’t like feeling afraid of what I write about. I don’t like feeling like I can’t publish something because I’m scared of the backlash I might get. I’m not one who enjoys using a filter out of fear and it seems like these days I have to use my filter more than I really like to. I know this is my blog and I should write about whatever I damn well please, but you all know how vicious people can be.

That makes me start to question if this is all really worth it. If I am afraid to write what I want to write, then why am I here? This is just silly. Should I just fold up shop and go back to venting to Farmer Bob, even if he doesn’t listen all the time? Do I really want to give up the community that we have built over on Facebook/Twitter/Pinterest? Something has to give around here, so you know what I decided? Are you in suspense? Do you want to know my decision? I think you do…

HELL NO I’m not giving all this up!!! Were you scared for just a minute? Please tell me your heart skipped a beat, just one. You guys can’t get rid of me that easily, are you kidding me? I guess in a way I’m kind of like herpes. Once you have me, you can never get rid of me. Things may be calm for a while, but if you just sit back and wait I will flare up on you and BOOM, I’m back with a vengeance.

So…what to do, what to do???? Well, how about a book? I’ve had quite a few people *editors note, more than one constitutes the use of the phrase “quite a few”* ask me when I was going to write a book. WHAT???? A book?? Are you crazy? You aren’t, but I am. That’s right, a book. Let’s do this.

I have to be honest, it is not just MY book. The thought of writing an entire book on my own right now makes me want to vomit. So much pressure to be good, and grammatically correct, and proper. Blergh. Blergh. Blergh. So here’s the deal, I was asked to contribute to a book. That’s right, someone besides my mother likes me enough to actually want to publish me in their book. A real book on paper, with a cover. I don’t know that I really believe that it is happening, and I may not until I have a physical copy of the book in my own hands, but I signed papers and everything so something is going down. I may have signed over my kids or my house, but that’s still something.

All I can tell you is that the book will be amazing and hilarious. So many fabulously funny writers contributed to it like my very dear friend The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and Bad Parenting Moments just to name a few. It is slated to be out mid-March so just stay tuned, I’m sure you’ll get tired of hearing about it. Just kidding on that. You will all buy it, and read it, and love it I am sure.

I’m on a book cover! An ACTUAL BOOK COVER! Look at all those awesome names! EEK!

Filed Under: blogging, Book, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Support, Thankful, The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, YKIHAYHT

The Week in Review; 1/19

January 19, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 9 Comments

We made it through another week yo. This week was UP, and then it was down, then back UP, and judging by the hacks and coughs coming from the little’s rooms, we are on our way back down. This winter has been the sickest one in this house since we had kids, almost eleven years now. Is it spring yet? Last week I was hoping for it as I was trapped in the house with a sick two year old. I kept a diary and shared it with you this week in Dear Diary, My Kid is Sick. I’m hoping to not have to go through another week like that, because I know that next time there will most likely be vomit involved.

This week also brought up the ever popular, Don’t Be a Bloghole blog hop, linky party, shindig. Every other week I put it up there, and every other week people keep showing up to share their awesomeness. I feel like the movie Field of Dreams “if you build it, they will come”. These awesome people are here and if you don’t check out at least a handful of them you are so totally missing out. Thank you to all that continue to come and link up. I adore you.

This week I also took us back in time. Back to the times BC, otherwise known as “before children”. It has been long enough for me that I have a difficult time remembering what it is like to pee alone without the inquisition of ”mom, are going poop or just pee”. Read about that and see what else I miss doing in Things I Used to Do Alone.

In other exciting news, I have been chatting with my friend Amy from Positive Parenting Solutions and I am so excited to tell you that her and I are teaming up to offer all of my readers and friends a free Webinar on February 28 at 9 PM EST. She is going to give us all some super helpful parenting hints during this one hour event called Get Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling. I have to be honest, at first I was unsure of the response I would get about this but after asking my Facebook friends and getting an overwhelming YES I scheduled with Amy right away. I’m very excited to offer this to you and hope you all will mark your calendars for February 28 at 9:00 PM EST. It will last about an hour and is interactive so you will be able to ask questions and get answers right there!

What did I read this week? Hmmmm….I actually read quite a bit. Some of my favorites:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat takes on the iPad Potty. I have been seeing pics of this and all I can say is WHAT IN THE HELL?

My Life and Kids invents that must have item that will help us parents pee in peace. I ordered two of them, without the additions of course.

Let Me Start By Saying reminded me why I have such a strong dislike for the Easy Bake Oven. Anyone that can use the words “burrito farts” in a post about an Easy Bake has my attention.

Now that you are all caught up, don’t forget to sign up for email updates from me and follow me via all my social media sites. We have a blast on Facebook, I still suck at Twitter but am getting better, and I have options galore on Pinterest. I’m admittedly a pin-a-holic. Have a great week and as usual, thanks for being here. xoxo

pretty please, do these things

Filed Under: Bloghole, Humor, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Pinterest, Recap, Twitter, Uncategorized, YKIHAYHT

It’s a Holiday SUR-prise Giveaway!

November 28, 2012 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 37 Comments

I don’t know if you guys are acquainted with my friend Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat, but if you are not, WHERE IN THE HELL DO YOU LIVE, UNDER A ROCK?? It was only after I spent hours upon hours reading her blog (thanks to a mutual friend sharing it via Facebook), that I decided to start this little project of my own. You heard it here, I had been debating it for months, but it was Jen who unknowingly pushed me into this blogging bit. If you want to blame someone for this, blame her. You can only imagine how surprised I was when she emailed me a while back and asked me to not only read her book (which I was going to do anyway), but to write my own review of it here on my blog. In return she would give me an autographed copy to give to one of you lovely people. For free. Of course I immediately responded to her with an over-exuberant YES, then immediately began pooping myself. What in the hell do you say about someone who you truly believe is all that and a bag of chips?

When trying to decide how in the hell I was going to write a post about her I kept coming back to my dear, sweet Johnny. I know, you are now rolling your eyes and screaming at your computer, “What in the hell Tara! Do you have to mention him in every post? This is supposed to be about Jen, not Johnny”! It has taken me weeks to write this post and in the end, I decided that in order for you to realize the magnitude of my adoration for Jen, this was the only logical path I could possibly take. In all reality, this post has nothing to do with my Johnny, I am merely using him as a point of comparison. The way I look at it, as much free publicity as I give him, he at least owes me this one post. For Jen. This is all for Jen. Back to Jen. Yes, Jen. Focus, regain the focus. Just one picture? Please just one picture? Hell, it’s my blog and I say just one picture.

See, even Johnny is reading it!

I started thinking about ways in which Jen and Johnny are similar and I was flabbergasted at the similarities:

They have both had their brush with greatness. If you remember correctly, Johnny and I crossed paths back in September, and Jen and I crossed paths just a few short weeks ago. While I know it was difficult for both of them to let me go, they both understood that it must be done for the good of the YKIHAYHT family, and this blog. If I had run away with either one of them, it would have been devastating to tens of people, five of those being my littles, one being Farmer Bob, and maybe even my mom.
They both have hundreds of thousands, some would say maybe even millions, of fans. I can totally see how this could have happened.
They both have two kids, a girl and a boy. I will not turn this into a contest, but only two? Come on you guys.
Johnny has recently opened his own publishing company. Jen recently self-published her own book. I read that he is looking for “lesser known” writers. Jen, I am sensing a window of opportunity here. I would be more than willing to help you further investigate this possibility. It would be hard work, and I am certain it would entail long private meetings and quaint private dinners involving bottles of expensive wine, but I would be willing to do it. For you of course. It’s all about you. I am just here to offer my assistance.

Before you become too worried about how eerily alike they are, please be assured that they are in fact, not one in the same. Just to avoid any confusion, let me point out some of their subtle differences:

Jen does in fact have a vagina, while Johnny I am certain, has a penis. I have seen them both in person and while they both did have pants on, I feel pretty confident making this statement.
Jen was not afraid to meet me for lunch to sit and talk for a couple of hours. While I may have scared her slightly with all the yelling due to a plugged up ear, she sat there so pleasantly nodding and smiling giving no indication that she may be uncomfortable. Johnny on the other hand….I’m still waiting for that call/email/restraining order.
Johnny makes blockbuster movies and millions of dollars, is able to jet set all over the world, and owns his own island. Jen writes an amazing blog, is one of the funniest people I know, yearns for a mini-van, and spends most of her quality time with The Hubs, Gomer, and Adolpha while keeping up residence in the great state of Kansas. All the cool people live in Kansas (or visit, or can even find it on a map), bet you never knew that.
The biggest difference I have noticed is that Johnny, as far as I know, has not written an amazingly hilarious holiday book. Jen on the other hand, has not only written an amazingly hilarious holiday book, she self-published it and is promoting it all on her own.

While reading Jen’s book, I found myself giggling, snorting, and laughing loudly enough to wake Farmer Bob. I found myself reminiscing about my own childhood Christmas memories and smiling. It is honest and hilarious and reminded me exactly why I will never have another perm (I know your pain Jen, honestly I do). If you do not have this book, I would highly recommend that you get your hands on a copy. If you do have a copy, I would suggest you buy a copy for ten or twenty of your favorite people. What a great gift for all those people in your life with a great sense of humor! I have placed a link to it up there on the right side of the page where you can order it or download it to your Kindle/Nook/whatever electronic device you use to read books, through Amazon. You can also enter to win one of two autographed copies that Jen so generously gave to myself and DG, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess. (You can read all about how DG and “Professor Punch” started their love affair right here.) If you are lucky enough to win one, DG and I have each put together our own “Holiday Survival Kit” to accompany your book. There will be two winners in this contest which ends Wednesday, December 5. Just so you know, the only similarities between the two Holiday Survival Kits will be Jen’s book, because as Johnny says…”The best kind of prize is a SUR-prise!”

If you don’t mind, could you please give me a vote over at Circle of Moms? I’m participating in their Top 25 Family Blogs and could really use your votes. Click here and click the vote button. When you are done, Jen is vying for Top Book Author Mom, so be sure to click here and vote for her as well. We both greatly appreciate all your support

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Filed Under: Johnny Depp, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, The Hubs, The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess

Frankly, I’m Grateful For Douche Bags

June 29, 2012 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 24 Comments

I have been contemplating this post since Tuesday. I haven’t been able to properly form a logical post about my feelings, but damn it, I decided to turn some people’s stupidity into a positive. Here is what I am going to call a “Frankly Friday” post. Why? Because frankly, I’m grateful, even for douche bags. Here is a quick rundown of a few things I am grateful for. Warning: This may contain some questionable language. Read on, just letting you know.

Numero Uno: Professional Douche Bags. I mean really. People who don’t have a brain to finger filter. For example:

Here is my “good morning” post from Facebook on Tuesday Morning:

Good morning loves! Happy to report that I have coffee, and plane tickets. Unfortunately, I think I broke Facebook. I can’t get in via computer. Anyone else having that problem? Off to VBS this morning, have a fabulous day!!!

Perfectly harmless, right? I mean, I said “good morning”, gave a general blah, blah, blah, told everyone to have a fabulous day. Thought it was friendly and nice. Never in a million years did I expect the following “thread” (that’s Facebook lingo for the string of comments on a post).

Fan A: What is VBS?

Fan B: Vacation Bible School

Fan A: Ew. Had no idea it was that sort of page…

Fan C: didn’t realize it either. unliking.

Hold up. Did I read this right? Who let in the assholes? Here was my response:

This thread is cracking me up. What exactly does “that kind of page” mean? Just because I am not afraid to admit that I take my kids to VBS, that makes me “unlike able”? I won’t apologize for that, but if you spend any amount of time here, you would know that we have fun. If my one mention of VBS offends you, then see ya later.

True words.

Afterwards, I got to thinking about the whole absurdity of the entire thread. I mean, really? Has the internet really caused us to be so cold to each other that we judge other based on the use of the letters “VBS”? How could I possibly be thankful for this? Because it made me realize that I am the bigger person. I am the one who is not ashamed to admit that I take my kids to Vacation Bible School and to Church. If you take a few moments to get to know me, it is not what defines me as a person, but our faith is definitely something I use to help make me a better mother and person. I also drink, swear, and I know how to have a good time. If you can’t handle that, I don’t need to know you. Don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. Adios. Sayonara. Get the hell out.

Numero Dos: Other Blogs. I am certain that other bloggers must have been reading my mind this week. I read as many blogs as I possibly can during the week. It is never as many as I would like, but there are only so many hours in the day and I function better with sleep. Here are some of my faves from this week:

I was reading this post from Jenny over at Holdin’ Holden the other night and just smiled and laughed at the perfection that it was. I mean, how fitting for the day I was having. Jenny always seems to know what I need to read and is not afraid to talk about anything. Sometimes it freaks me out just a little that she may be in my head. I love her posts, and so will you, so be sure to look around for a while.

My friend Deborah at The Monster in My Closet just posted this one on Thursday and I must say, she has inspired me. I now know what to do with those little buggers, and will be certain to distribute them how I see fit. I laughed, and laughed, and laughed some more. Which was just what I needed. I simply adore her so very much, so after you read that post, read some more. Amazing.

Jen over at People I Want to Punch in the Throat always makes me laugh, but this one, her letter to Elizabeth Lloyd, is spectacular. I am certain that Elizabeth could have been one of the commenters on my post, this gal (Elizabeth, not Jen) is that damn stupid.

Numero Tres: My Facebook Friends. I can’t call them “fans” because these people have really become my friends. We converse, joke, and have a good time. They read my blog, well some do, and they encourage my mental love affair with Johnny Depp, but more importantly, they have my back. Here is just a sampling of some of the responses from the thread from Tuesday:

Don’t let the bible kick you in the ass on your way out…

Wtf?! Why are people so super douchey?! VBS for kids and a mother who drinks and says fuck?! I’m ALL IN!!

I didn’t realize this was the kind of page where we can all have unique lives and yet laugh our asses off. VBS or not.

What kind of idiot unlikes a page because the admin takes her kids to vacation bible school? Better off without that kind of person anyway.

i take my kids to VBS, pre-k chapel, church and a parebnts morning out program at church…DO NOT come to my page, as I must be the devil

.no one needs to listen to that mess coming out of your mouths…unlike this page and let us all breathe some clean air again

This thread makes me love it here even more. ♥

I mean really, how can you NOT be grateful for friends like this? I think what makes it even better, is that these are people that I have never met in “real” life. People who have taken the time to get to know me, for me. See Mom, there ARE good people on the internet!

Numero Cuatro: Orbitz.com. Finally, after my problems with Expedia, I was finally able to book some tickets for our first “real” family vacation in quite some time. And while I am not looking forward to flying with all 5 littles, at least I have learned my lessons and I will be prepared.

Numero Cinco: I was caught off guard this week when Jen (People I Want to Punch in the Throat) told me that she wrote this little article for Babble.com grouping yours truly with 10 other bloggers. I am honored that she thinks 1. That I’m funny, and 2. That I’m funny. There is nothing better than being told by your peers that what you are doing is exactly what you set out to do in the first place. Thank you Jen for your compliment, and your belief in me. (Stalker? MOI? Really? <Johnny, call me. I’m waiting> I don’t know wherever you would have gotten such an idea)

There we go, 5 things that frankly, I am grateful for. How’s that for a “Frankly Friday”? What are you grateful for?

Oh, one more thing I would frankly be grateful for, please be sure to vote for me up there for www.topmommyblogs.com. Click the little lady up top right, or that link over there at the front of the line, and your work here is done. Oh, unless you want to leave a comment, do that too. I love reading them. I promise that I read them even if I don’t comment back! Your support is fantastic, and encourages me to keep doing this

Peace. Out.

Filed Under: Douche Bags, Holdin' Holden, Johnny Depp, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, The Monster in My Closet, Vacation

Dear Johnny, or Shall I Call You Mr. Depp?

April 5, 2012 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 32 Comments

If you follow me on Facebook, which you can do by clicking over there on the right somewhere. You know, the place where it says “like me on Facebook”. Yeah, that’s right, you know you want to click it. I’ll wait…..

Anyways, now that you follow me on Facebook, you know that I may have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp. I still to this day am not sure if “obsession” is the proper term here. I adore and respect his work and his dedication to his craft. After re-reading this, I have a hard time with the word “obsession”, but really just can’t come up with another word. Maybe ”admire” would be more appropriate? I was thinking the other day about maybe explaining my obsession, adoration, love, I don’t really know the proper term here. I remember once reading one of my favorite blogs, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, and she ADORES, and I don’t really blame her, ADORES Tina Fey. She once wrote her a letter…read it here. I did email Jen, and she informed me that she has not heard from Tina. As far as I know, still no word from Tina either. Jen is keeping the dream alive as well, but it sure does get difficult to keep up the fight! These celebrities, too busy for the people that they entertain. It really would be nice if they could at least acknowledge our efforts. You know, those of us that see their movies, watch their shows, put the money in their pockets. I started thinking I would just feel better if I got this out. Mainly because I don’t want you people thinking I am just a total whack-job (I actually had a fan ask me today if I was obsessed). I am realistic, optimistically realistic. Hopefully Johnny isn’t too freaked out. I mean come on, we all know I’m funny. Really, who WOULDN’T want to have dinner with me? Yes, I can be wacky at times, but that’s the stuff that makes life fun!

Here goes, my open letter to Johnny (with improvements):

Dear Johnny,

Is it OK that I call you Johnny? Mr. Depp just seems so formal. I am sure you receive thousands upon thousands of letters from fans every day. Well, maybe not since you hide away in Los Angeles, or New Mexico, or where ever you may be filming your next flick. Needless to say, I am sure thousands of adoring fans at least WRITE you letters every day. I am sure you don’t Facebook or Twitter (trust me, I have tried and tried to find official pages for you to no avail), and you don’t read mommy blogs, or surf the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I think we should totally hang out, in a completely platonic sort of way. I think I have some very valid points and would love for you to at least entertain the thought of a casual dinner, at my house. OK, I will bend a little here and offer to come to you. I can travel, but then we are on a one on one basis. I don’t travel alone with 5 kids, that doesn’t bode well for my sanity, and Farmer Bob is just too busy in the summer with that farming stuff. As much as I would enjoy this, I promise I am not a total whack-job you are welcome to do a background check if you prefer, I would miss my family after the first couple of days. I am certain that we would be having a lovely time together, so it would require a multiple day visit.

If you peruse my Facebook page, please do not be alarmed. I am NOT a stalker. I know, I know, a true stalker would always say “I am NOT a stalker”, but really, I’m a housewife in the middle of Kansas with 5 kids. I don’t have time to stalk. I, like you, am providing entertainment to others usually at my own expense. I love it, and am having a blast. My apologies for using you to aid in my advancement in this blogging world, but really, a “thank you” would be nice. Just look at all the free publicity I am giving you. I know, not that you really need it, but I have women swooning over you on a daily basis. You are always fresh in their minds, and I would believe it if someone saw one of your movies because I mentioned it. I did write a pleasant review of Dark Shadows . My people asked, I delivered. That’s how I roll. I really do just adore you, and not just for your looks. You are incredibly talented, and I think we could be friends in the “real world”. I watched you on Ellen and on Jimmy Kimmel and I must say, it is obvious how uncomfortable those types of situations make you. I am not an expert on body language, but it was quite obvious that you do not like the spotlight. Yet another reason that heading over to my place just makes sense. You can’t get more low-key that this.

I see no reason why you couldn’t just come on over to the farm other than the fact that you are busy filming The Lone Ranger, but even busy guys deserve a break from time to time. We could grill out some steaks, unless your vegan, but I don’t really picture you in my mind as vegan. I am fairly certain you are the kind of guy that likes beef, there is nothin better than a big, homegrown, steak. See…if I was a true stalker, I would know this about you. You could bring the wine. Here at my house, you have to contribute to the meal, no free rides. I provide the food, you provide the drink. Fair? I don’t need any high-priced bottle of wine, or some fancy after dinner drink. Something simple. Bring some of your own. I have to admit, I did not know you owned your own vineyard and winery until just recently. I would love a sampling, I am not known for turning away a nice wine. When we eat, we eat around the table, as a family. The conversation is usually light and silly do please don’t be offended by the words of the littles, they are kids. Burps, boyfriends, and playing with their food is always funny. We will eat steak, potatoes, salad, bread (you always have to have bread) and if you are lucky some sort of simple dessert. Momma doesn’t run a 5 star joint around here, but it is food worth eating, that I can promise. Oh, and you are required to help clean up. Sorry, I don’t have a maid or a chef, I have kids.

After dinner, we can sit around and shoot the breeze. Our kids can play, I did forget to mention, you can bring your kids along if you so desire. I have 5 of them (3 girls, 2 boys), and they love having company. They are great entertainers, and love making new friends. If I’m not mistaken I believe your son and my oldest daughter are about the same age. I am NOT suggesting anything here, good grief I am NOT ready for anything like that, but she loves to write and is always looking for a pen pal. I am pretty sure Farmer Bob would kick my ass for even insinuating anything other than a pen pal relationship. You will see that country life has its privileges. 4-Wheelers, wide open spaces, kick ass games of hide and seek, tree forts, baseball, isolation. You name it, we play it. The closest little town has about 700 people, so you can pretty much sneak in under the radar. I will keep it on the down low that you are coming, and no one even needs to know. As hard as it will be to contain my excitement, I would do it for you. No paparazzi, no media, just us. Sounds like heaven, doesn’t it? It’s better than France, I guarantee it. I am not kidding around here. My closest neighbor is 1/4 mile up the road. We are isolated and we love it that way. We can keep this as low key as you want.

We can get the kids settled in, let em watch a movie, mine LOVE Alice in Wonderland by the way, minus the Jabberwocky, it kinda creeps out the 4 year old. You are not required to watch since I do know you have never watched your own movies which is quite interesting to me. Then we can sit out on the patio, drink some wine, and converse. Just talk. Nothing in particular. Just hang out. I promise not to swoon over you…too much. I mean, really, have you LOOKED in a mirror lately? The years have been good to you my friend. Anyways, I would love to chit chat about music, and movies, and life. I have so many questions. Not about movies per say, but just how you get it all done. You must be exhausted. Oh, and music. Geesh I could talk music for days. I know our lives are completely different, and I am interested in how you can juggle everything. I know how difficult it is to just juggle being a stay at home/work from home mom with 5 littles and a husband who farms for a living. I can only imagine how you are able to stay involved with your kiddos while traveling the world, making movies, premiers, award shows, blah, blah, blah…

My birthday is in June, FYI (just a few short days prior to yours) Coming up much faster now. This is interesting since June is a great month to visit Kansas. Not too hot, but hot enough to hit the pool and the ball fields. It makes for lovely evenings outside, and if you come at the right time, you could hook up with Farmer Bob and go cut some wheat, or alfalfa, or both. This year it will be early, right around birthday time. Surely you have never experienced a wheat harvest, but I am sure you can somewhat relate. Long days. Well, that may be it. No scripts, no wardrobe, no makeup, no cameras. Just work, lots and lots of hard work. Oh boy would that be just a little awkward. My Hubs and my celebrity obsession. Together in a combine for hours. Priceless. I would take pictures of that if you don’t mind, for longevity. Really, the thought of that really makes me giggle. Maybe you could consider it research for a role you are playing in the future? I am sure playing a hard working farmer/father of 5 is a pretty popular role. You’ve played a kid with scissors for hands, a mobster, a drug dealer (one of my faves by the way), and a drunken pirate (could watch these daily). Surely there is some demand for a farmer/father type role in Hollywood. You can even film here. I could play the farmers wife. It would be a sacrifice, but I would do it, for you.

All joking aside. I think we could have a lovely time together, and by WE I mean you, me, Farmer Bob, and the kids. I don’t want you to be creeped out by the insinuation that I mean just you and me. Oh, that would be lovely, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to tempt you too much. I am pretty cute, but I am also a married woman.

I don’t need much notice. Just don’t be alarmed if you arrive and there are toys everywhere, the house is a mess and there’s a naked kid in the front yard. Again, no maid and by summer I am hoping to be potty training (sounds glamorous, I know). Well, I take that back, I have a maid, but she sucks. I think she spends too much time working on her blog and on Facebook, Pinterest, and Twitter. In the meantime, I will try to keep steaks in the freezer and the patio cleaned off. I hope you will entertain the idea of a quiet vacation in Kansas. I promise, you won’t regret it!

With hope and admiration,

Tara
(ithappensatyourhousetoo@gmail.com)

My dear readers…I shall leave this in YOUR hands. I don’t tweet, Lord knows I don’t need something else to be addicted to, (OK, if enough of you asked me to REALLY nicely, I would consider it. I’m a sucker for sweet requests), Oh, now I do tweet, but you are still encouraged to tweet this all over the planet, and I have quite a lovely reader base, but not a HUGE one. If you would love to share this all over the planet, go right ahead. The more it gets out, the more chances I have of actually getting a response. Again, I’m REALISTICALLY OPTIMISTIC. Also, I don’t think that Jen, AKA, the ”Jeneral”, would mind if you pushed hers again either. I would love to help her out anyway I could in order for her to meet Tina. She has given me some great advice, I can’t think of any better way to repay her. You know someone, who knows someone, who knows someone…so share both blogs (mine and People I Want to Punch in the Throat). Help some mommas out, I know you can do it!