Humor

I Swear if You Win This Crappy Prize You’ll Get to Just Pee Alone

May 3, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 64 Comments

Once upon a time there was a mother who appeared to have her life together. Her clothes were always clean, she had no need for , and her hair and makeup were perfection every time she left the house. She just knew that if she left the house not looking like then all the other moms in her circle would think she was a mess. She HAD to look like she had a damn clue. She HAD to appear to have it all together. What these “friends” didn’t know about this mother was that while she seemed to have it all together on the outside, on the inside she had so many secrets. Secrets that she felt she could never tell anyone because they would then think she was a craptastic wife/mother/woman.

She wanted to let her secrets out. She NEEDED to tell someone with the hopes she would discover she wasn’t alone. She wanted to announce to the world that she occasionally has sweet dreams about and that it is possible that she has a small fondness for . (Who does that? I mean Johnny Depp, really? Can’t she be original? Sheesh.) She wanted to get her friends drunk and swap stories about well endowed men and sex and vaginas and boobs. She wanted to help them to realize that talking about these things doesn’t make them shitty wives, they make them normal women with healthy libidos which in turn makes them BETTER wives.

She didn’t want to be judged for drinking too much in the morning, or too much at night, because damn it, those are the things that help her get through the day. Throw in an obscene amount of and at times it was the only way she could stop the one-way train to crazy town. She wanted to help her friends realize that it’s normal for their kids to drive them bat shit crazy from time to time and that it is more than acceptable to drink a glass a wine or eat half a package of chocolate if that is what helps bring the blood pressure down to a manageable level. She needed to know that she wasn’t alone in this and that the time for pretending that motherhood is full of rainbows and glitter has passed. It was time to cut the shit.

She was going to tell her friends that she didn’t have it all together. She wanted them to know that in reality all she really wanted to do was lock herself in the bathroom and scream !!!! She wanted to scream it from the fucking mountaintops that she was proud to be a curse word aficionado, and card-carrying member of the club. She wanted to admit that her life with her kids is nowhere near as perfect as she pretends it to be. She knew deep down that if people wanted to know about her life as a mother, she should probably just hand out copies of to all. She knew that these three books were her life in a mashed up nutshell and she hadn’t even had the time or the money to add them to her collection. She needed to get her hands on them. STAT.

So when this woman saw the opportunity from and to win an amazing Mother’s Day survival basket, she knew she had to enter for her chance to win copies of , , and . Throw in a $25 spa gift card, a DVD copy of , not to mention (chocolate) and (coffee and a mug) and she knew she had to enter. She just knew in her heart that she would win and once she did, she would no longer give a shit what her so-called “perfect” friends thought of her. She pictured herself telling all those Judgy McJudgerson bitches to take a long walk off a short pier, and then she would take her prize and retreat to her bedroom on Mother’s Day where she would lock the door and lay around drinking coffee while reading these amazing and hilarious books and shoving all the chocolate into her mouth.

It couldn’t be any easier to win. All a girl has to do is to leave a comment on this blog telling a secret that she keeps from her circle of friends. What does she secretly snack on while her kids are sleeping? Who did she dream about last night? What curse words does she use when she is home alone but would never say in front of another person? Does she dream of leaving the house with her hair in a messy bun and no make-up? Does she have a certain friend that she secretly can’t stand? It really doesn’t matter what it is, let it out here!

Recap: 1. Up for grabs, a kick ass prize pack containing a signed copy of I Just Want to Pee Alone, a signed copy of Moms Who Drink and Swear, a copy of Parenting, Illustrated With Crappy Pictures, plus a $25 spa gift card, chocolate, coffee and a mug, and a DVD.

2. Enter by a) leaving a comment on the blog telling us a racy secret and b) drop your info in the Rafflecopter. You can’t win if you don’t do both.

3. Check your email on 5/7 to see if you have won. Good luck to you all!

Entries will be accepted until Midnight CST on 5/6/2013. The winner will be contacted via email and if no response is given within 24 hours a new winner will be drawn! Good luck!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Don’t want to wait? Click on the books below and order your copies RIGHT NOW. While you are at it be sure to order copies for your mother/mother-in-law/grandmother/aunts/neighbors/cousins/OB-GYN/worst enemy. They all MUST read all three of these books. You never know, it may just lighten them up just a little. Help them remove the stick. Laughter, it really is the best medicine.

Filed Under: Book, Friendship, Gifts, Giveaway, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, Johnny Depp, Motherhood, The Underachievers Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess, YKIHAYHT

Parenting Skills I Picked Up Playing Those Pesky Board Games

April 24, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 4 Comments

We play a ton of board games around here. “Mom, can you play a board game with me?” is one of the most popular questions around here. Sometimes it is the same game for a few days in a row and at times, with a little prodding, we can switch it up to something a little more exciting. As I was returning lost pieces to the game closet, I perused our selection of games and started thinking (which is always dangerous) about how playing these games as a kid myself unknowingly prepared me for parenthood. You with me so far? Here we go:

Guess Who: You know the crime, but who did it? Do they have blonde hair? Do they still poop their pants? Do they have a vagina or a penis? Can they read? Wipe their own butts? Speak in full sentences? Are they clothed? Do they have food in their hair?

Clue: Very similar to Guess Who with the added stress of discovering the crime and the weapon of choice. I suspect it was the five-year-old, in the living room, with the permanent marker. No? How about the eight-year-old, in the closet, with the scissors?

Chutes and Ladders: You bust your ass to get all the way up to the top only to slip-up and have to slide all the way back to the beginning. Relevant for things like potty training, eating with utensils, turning laundry right-side out, and of course proper table manners. Didn’t we just have the discussion last night about not farting at the table?

Memory: Who has practice tonight? Where is that concert? What cookies? How many kids do I have again? Where is my grocery list? Why did I walk into this room?

Operation: The one game you see as pointless until you need to remove that splinter or that bean from someone’s nose. How in the hell did you get rocks in your butt? Is that a Lego in your ear? If you don’t poop soon I’m going to have to help you out. I promise, this will only hurt for a second.

Monopoly: You bust your ass to save money and in the blink of an eye some asshole has taken it all. This game also taught us the fine art of patience because it. never. ends.

Perfection: Working under pressure seems to work pretty well until you run out of time and all hell breaks loose. You scream, you yell, you pee just a little.

Risk: Logistics. Trying to decide if you really want to head into the tween’s bedroom for a surprise cleaning? Do you have big enough balls to attempt to overtake the enemy that is the shithole they live in? Once you conquer one enemy you have to re-evaluate your troops (AKA, your caffeine intake) to see if you have the supplies to attempt an attack on the next. If you go in unprepared, make sure to have an ample supply of reinforcements for afterwards (AKA, wine).

Hungry Hungry Hippos: Quick, shove all the food in your mouth. Meal time really is a race to see who can get done first.

Mousetrap: Chase them around all day long, but you aren’t going to catch them unless you construct some high-falootin contraption…that works. All else fails, offer cheese.

Don’t Break the Ice: You can tiptoe around all day in an effort to keep everyone safe and happy, but one wrong move and you are screwed.

Battleship: You have to ask around in order to find that permission slip for the field trip or that one missing shoe. Where is the TV remote? I know I had that secret stash of chocolate somewhere. You never know where it is, but with the right questions and the use of the fine art of elimination, hopefully you can find what you were looking for.

Trivial Pursuit: You think you know everything that your kids are doing but in reality, you know JACK. SQUAT.

Who wants to play with me?

Are you in the Kansas City area? Clear your schedule for Saturday, April 27 and come join myself, Jen from People I Want to Punch in the Throat, and Stacey from Nurse Mommy Laughs for an I Just Want to Pee Alone book signing event from 10:00-12:00 at The Mommy Shop, 14870 Metcalf Ave, Overland Park, KS. There will be snacks and more importantly mimosas. We would love to see you there!

Mother’s Day is quickly approaching. You know what would make great gifts? These books right here. You need them. Your mom needs them. Your mother-in-law/aunt/grandmother/teacher/neighbor/best friend need them. You won’t be disappointed, I promise.

Filed Under: Children, Family, Humor, kids, Motherhood, parenting, Uncategorized

You Might Be a Parent IF…

April 11, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 19 Comments

The other day I lost it. Not in a I went bat-shit crazy kind of way, but in a this is so absurd I can’t help but laugh at myself kind of way. When we become parents we seem to make an instant transformation. Sort of like Superman in the phone booth; Average Joe going in, superhero when we come out. Only difference being that it seems that we never take off our capes. Bear with me as I delve into parenthood and some ways we seem to transform into real-life grown-ups, Jeff Foxworthy style.

You Might Be a Parent IF...

You might be a parent if….

You can brush your teeth and hold your 3 year olds wiener while he pees.

You can brown up some hamburger, fix someone a drink, and cut up some veggies all with a baby on your hip and a toddler or two flailing on the floor because you aren’t fast enough with the milk.

You can stop mid-bite to go wipe someone’s ass only to come right back and resume business as usual.

You can whip up six dozen cookies at the last-minute when your kid tells you they forgot that they needed to take snacks for the school program….which happens to be tomorrow.

You aren’t afraid to catch vomit in your bare hands.

You can lay down on the couch and still know exactly what your kids are doing. With your eyes closed.

You take your kids out to dinner and you spend more time in the bathroom than you do at your table.

You can answer all their questions with movie quotes. ”Mom, what’s cannibalism?” ”Mom, what’s a hazmat suit?”

You schedule all well child checks months in advance so that you are guaranteed an on-time appointment but you can’t remember to schedule your yearly hoo-ha check.

You can’t remember to take your grocery list when you go shopping but you know exactly where Sally’s red sparkly headband is that she wore three weeks ago.

You can play two different board games at the same time while catching up on your Words With Friends matches, and you manage to win them all.

Your most popular phrases are “get your finger out of your butt”, “we don’t eat boogers for lunch”, and “no, I don’t want to smell your fart”.

Your living room decor no longer consists of beer can pyramids and wine bottle trees. Instead you discover non-commissioned works of art using mediums that you are certain should be removed by men in hazmat suits.

You can change a diaper in the dark and not leave any residue behind.

You can tiptoe through a bedroom at three in the morning and not step on a single Lego, but attempt it in the daylight and you are damning them all to the depths of hell.

You aren’t against taking a glass of wine and your tablet or smart phone into the bathroom and locking the door, whether you have to poop or not, just for a few minutes of alone time.

You do laundry because hampers are full, not because you have a shirt that is dirty that you want to wear to the bar tonight.

Parenthood has changed me in ways that I never thought possible. While we may not be huge fans of some of the things we do now (I for one am not a lover of vomit), we wouldn’t change any of it. Except maybe the poo on the walls.

How have YOU changed, for the better, since becoming a parent?

If you aren’t reading these books, you aren’t the people I thought you were. Click on them. Order them. Put on a Poise. Read them. Laugh. I promise you will.

Filed Under: Boys, daughters, diapers, Family, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, kids, Motherhood, parenting

Parenthood: It’s Nothing Like the Movies

April 3, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 6 Comments

Parenthood ain’t fancy and it ain’t a cake walk, I think we can all agree on that. ~~Most~~ All of the time I wish this shit was easier. Just like it appears in the movies. Why can’t it just be laid out for us, like in a script? Why does it have to be so HARD???

This got me to thinkin’ <danger, danger”=”"> I haven’t been on a movie set…YET; but I watch a lot of movies and read too many articles on the internet about movie stars (no one in particular) and sets, and all the goings on around them. So allow me to enlighten you just a bit. Go pop some popcorn (I can wait), sit back, relax, and let us look at how parenthood is absolutely nothing like the movies.

Don’t mind me, I just need a moment to pretend.

1. We have no script. Every good movie needs a script so that the actors know what happens next. Parenthood needs a script. Wouldn’t it be lovely to know when to expect that projectile vomit or to know that your kid will conveniently forget to do their homework? To know when your kid is gonna pee his pants at a party or have that meltdown in the store because she wants the pink one not the damn purple one. I know I would love to know ahead of time when I need to be prepared for that first kiss or that first heartbreak. To know exactly the way to handle the first time you catch your little angel in their first try at serious parental deception. Can someone please write me a script?

2. I don’t have a trailer outfitted with a salon where I get my hair and makeup done every morning while perusing an unlimited supply of amazing clothes. While I know I looked pretty incredible in Target the other in my ratty K-State sweatshirt circa 1997, thinning sweats, hair in a messy bun, and no makeup; it would be nice to occasionally have an unlimited/unstained/non-hole riddled wardrobe and someone to coordinate my hair and makeup to match. One could get used to a scalp massage every morning.

3. Having a body double on hand sure would be helpful for the old self-esteem. You ladies know what I mean. We all have that one special time of the month in which we feel slightly, what’s the word here….blergh. bloated. ick. Just imagine for a minute if you can, you and the Hubs snuggling in for some sexy time. You aren’t really feeling it thanks to the magic of PMS, so here comes the old body double. Magically you are toned, your boobs are where they are supposed to be, legs properly shaved, you look incredible. Or how about that time at the pool when you see “that mom” in her string bikini while you sit on the side of the pool in your swim skirt. Bring on the body double. BOOM. Problem solved, esteem restored.

4. Catering available 24/7, don’t mind if I do. Not cooking for a night or two (or ten) would sure be nice. To have it catered in instead of having to go pick it up? Fabuloso. Don’t see something that floats your boat? Order it, someone will go get it for you. I like to cook but this wouldn’t be all bad either. From what I understand it isn’t exactly dog fodder that they serve here.

5. Filming in a warm, tropical location? I think I could make that work. Spend a couple of months in Europe? Sounds so much more glamorous than my little farm in the middle of Kansas. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE country living and the freedom that comes with it, but a few weeks in an exotic location with other people keeping track of your schedule and making sure you get where you need to go when you need to get there…it truly does sound like a nice change to the monotony of wiping butts, keeping track of who has what practice when, who has a field trip this week, and what doctor we need to visit this month.

6. We don’t have a stunt person on hand to handle all those unexpected accidents. You dads consider the trauma you suffer when that bat swing goes awry or when the socks are a little too slippery on the wood floor and their heads are at just the right level. NUT PUNCH. Moms, how about when we try to reign in that temper tantrum and catch that elbow in the boob or that Lego to the face, not to mention the trauma that our bodies (vaginas) go through during pregnancy and childbirth. This parenting gig is vicious and we never take into account our own safety. Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone trained in this area to take one for the team?

7. I would love to be walking down the street and some kick ass song comes on just for me. Think John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever minus the white bell bottoms. Having an amazing soundtrack to play at just the right moment would be so freaking awesome.

8. We have no editor. No way to remove those moments where maybe we had too much to drink or told someone to take a long walk off a short pier. Someone to cut out that time we were caught dancing a la Elaine from Seinfeld. How about that party you attended only to go back and look at pictures and see that parsley on your teeth or that booger hanging from your nose. EDIT. Realized after the fact that you said something remarkably stupid to an acquaintance? EDIT. Want to forget that you ever met someone? EDIT. Want to remove that moment of mom guilt? EDIT.

9. Unless incredible set design means mismatched couches, toy tractors all over the living room, toothpaste in the bathroom sink, and Lalaloopsy all over the dining room table, I don’t think I’ll be winning any Academy awards in that department. On that rare occasion that I entertain (still waiting on you Johnny) having a set designer would be the bomb-diggety. Nope, I never have pee on my toilets or shredded kleenexes all over the living room floor.

10. We aren’t getting paid millions of dollars to do this. When I say millions of dollars, I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. Cold. Hard. Cash. Now if you consider being paid in temper tantrums, eye rolls, foot stomps and “BUT MOOOOOOOOOM” I’m a freaking millionaire. Throw in the hugs, kisses, and “I Wuv You Mama” and I have more “money” than I know what to do with. Maybe this parenting job isn’t so bad after all.

Not only do I have a book out, but some of my friends do as well. If you aren’t reading these books, you aren’t the people I thought you were. Click on them. Order them. Put on a Poise. Read them. Laugh. I promise you will.

Filed Under: Children, Family, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, Johnny Depp, Motherhood, parenting

Cake in a Glass? Yes, PLEASE!

March 25, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 11 Comments

Girls night out. They don’t come very often, so when they do I like to make the most out of them. When my cousin, the Enabler, asked me to run away with her for an entire child-free evening for a visit to our Alma Mater I just had to make it happen. Childcare, check. Bags packed, check. Cash in hand, check. Legs shaved, oops.

We quickly forget how lovely it is to escape every once in a while. Eating a hot meal without having to cut up something for someone or stopping halfway through to take someone to the potty. To enjoy a nice summer beer while you properly chew your food instead of taking a bite and choking it down while you chase your three-year-old across the restaurant. To sit and enjoy adult conversation instead of taking half of your meal home to eat later because your kids can’t keep their hands off each other and they are crying because you flicked them all on the ear (I would never do that, but I’ve heard of it happening <ahem>).

To shop without chasing kids through the racks.

To go to a bar and enjoy a beer (or three).

Then you wake up and it hits you. Something big is coming up soon. It’s sneaking up on you like all your kids’ birthdays. You can’t quite put your finger on it. It’s a holiday you are pretty sure, but all the days run together so that is a total stab in the dark.

Thinking…..thinking……

Oh. Snap. Easter is coming. Soon. Ham, potatoes, all the fixin’s. Easter baskets. Candy. Peeps. Crap.

Are we required to make Easter crafts? Do we need cute little centerpieces and fancy place mats? What exactly should I be doing in preparation? Should I be baking cookies and planning out a fancy cake? What will we eat? What will we drink? Will the Easter Bunny bring good stuff for the kids’ baskets? Can I put out my own basket and he will fill it with special gifts just for me *wine/chocolates*?

I started thinking about my kids and what they always hope the Easter Bunny will bring them. The usual suspects; chocolate bunnies and Peeps. Toys and books. I am always un-prepared and usually over-purchase and we end up eating Peeps for weeks. Normally not a bad thing, but since I am trying to loosen my jeans instead of make them tighter, I needed to come up with a way to thin out the Peeps. My way.

I started doing some basic research. I was imperative to come up with something creative and after watching this video for Peeps, I started asking myself what is MY “Peepsonality”? Go ahead. Watch it. I can wait. WATCH IT. *taps toes*

I decided to take it to the next level and go to the Peeps website for ideas and had a hard time finding something to fit me. You all know me well enough by now. I don’t do crafts, kids with scissors and glue guns scare me. I bake, but my jeans advised me to pursue other options. What is something that I can do? Hmmmm…. Well, I do like to enjoy a nice drink at night. Maybe I’m on to something here. Sometimes it is wine, sometimes it is a beer, but for Easter I needed something good. Like a dessert in a glass.

I decided to take my idea to the bars while out with my girls. Would something light and fruity work? Nope. Something sweet and sugary? Nope. Something chocolaty and delicious? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a WINNER!!!!

I needed a professional’s assistance, so with a little help from our very young and charming with a stellar taste in music bartender Tony at Porter’s bar in Manhattan, Kansas (when I say young I really mean that even though Tony and I graduated from the same high school, it wasn’t in the same century young) we came up with the idea for this delightful beverage. There was some intensive research involved in this process both at the bar, and at home. I can only hope that you appreciate all the hard work I do for you all.

It took a few tries to get the right combination. Luckily Farmer Bob, the chocolate connoisseur, was available this weekend to be my official test taster. Some were too chocolaty (is that possible?). Some were too vanilla-y (is that a word?). After some trial and error, and a few shots just for good measure, we settled on this recipe. It really is like a slice of black forest cake in a glass:

Peeps

Peeps in the Forest

Equal parts UV Chocolate Cake and Cherry Vodka

Splash of UV Vanilla Vodka

Dr. Pepper to taste

Make sure to sugar your rim.

Dip Peep in chocolate and use as garnish and to nibble as you drink. It adds just the right amount of sweet!

Make sure to have a few extra chocolate covered Peeps on the side. I realized just one wasn’t enough.

Just be careful…this sucker will sneak up on you in a heartbeat. You’ve been warned. May it make your Easter dinner just a little less stressful. Enjoy.

*This post is sponsored by Peeps, but all the words and thoughts are products of my own brain.*

Filed Under: Famer Bob, Friendship, Humor, Motherhood, wine, Women, YKIHAYHT

So This is Really Happening…

March 15, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 13 Comments

Living in the country we have days in which the UPS man pulling into the yard is the most traffic we see all day. I had been waiting and waiting to see that brown truck this week and every day that passed with nothing was another day I sulked just a little. Today he came and he had boxes. Two of them.

My heart skipped a beat and I brought them in and put them on the table. Since I knew what was inside I couldn’t bring myself to open them right away. I was nervous. I had heart palpitations and sweaty palms, I may have even let a little fart slip out as I jumped up and down in my excitement. Then the reality sunk in. Inside these boxes are books. Not a bunch of books that I ordered to read for my own enjoyment. Books. THESE books:

Books

<cue the tears> These are books that contain my words. Some of them may be dirty and to some inappropriate, but they are still mine. My thoughts. My words. ACK! It wasn’t real until I saw them and held one in my hands. Now it’s official. This is REALLY HAPPENING!

I grabbed the top one and opened it up and glanced at the table of contents and I think my knees buckled just a little. To look at all those names of so many amazing women all in one place, with my name among them, was something that simply took my breath away. It isn’t like it is a new development, this book has been in the works for months. Some of these women I knew before. Some of them I had read but didn’t know personally. All of them I am getting to know better and better every day.

ACK!!!

Since I operate on full disclosure and honesty I feel that I have to tell you that I have actually NOT read this book yet. Not because I don’t want to, but because I’m afraid to and I didn’t have a copy. When asked to contribute the list of other contributors was not disclosed. I knew that Jen (People I Want to Punch in the Throat) would put together an amazing list of contributors and that alone made it difficult to write anything somewhat coherent. I struggled for a month to write my piece for her and after a TON of editing I closed my eyes and hit the send button. Once I discovered who all the incredible writers were that were going to be joining me on this adventure, I may have thrown up a little. These are some of the most talented and hilarious women on the interwebs. Now I am in print with them. Mind. Blown.

What I do know without even reading one single page is that this book is AMAZING. To have thirty-seven amazing women all together inside one cover, brilliant. To see thirty-seven women working together to make it succeed, brilliant. To see thirty-seven women who may not necessarily share the same sense of humor or writing styles or beliefs do something so incredible is eye-watering. I’m honored to be a part of this incredible adventure and can’t wait to see where it takes us.

I am in awe of their abilities. I am humbled to be considered a writer of their caliber. I’m still shittin bricks that my name is in that table of contents with all of these lovely ladies:

People I Want to Punch in the Throat
Insane in the Mom Brain
The Divine Secrets of a Domestic Diva
Baby Sideburns
Rants From Mommyland
The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess
My Life and Kids
Bad Parenting Moments
Let Me Start By Saying
Frugalista Blog
Suburban Snapshots
Ninja Mom
Four Plus an Angel
Honest Mom
Binkies and Briefcases
Naps Happen
Kelley’s Break Room
Toulouse & Tonic
HouseTalkN
Hollow Tree Ventures
The Fordeville Diaries
Snarkfest
Mom’s New Stage
Nurse Mommy Laughs
The Dose of Reality
The Mom of the Year
Life on Peanut Layne
Momaical
Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine
Confessions of a Cornfed Girl
I Love Them Most When They’re Sleeping
Random Handprints
RachRiot
You’re My Favorite Today
Funny is Family
My Real Life

So, let’s cut the sappy shit, fricken PMS. Who wants to win a copy? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? (Sorry, couldn’t resist) I’m going to give away at least one copy of “I Just Want to Pee Alone”. It will be the winner’s choice of either a paper copy or a Kindle copy. Depending on my mood and the number of entries, I may decide to do more copies you never know. The winner(s) will be announced on Tuesday morning. The more entries there are, the greater the chances of more copies to be handed out…for FREE!!!!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Don’t want to wait to see if you win? Want to buy a copy for your sister/girlfriend/wife/mother-in-law/OB-GYN/most hated enemy? It won’t even cost you your first born child. Here is all the info. Once you read it, be sure to express your love for the book with a positive review on Amazon. We will worship the ground you walk on if you do

Get it delivered to your door via Amazon: I Just Want to Pee Alone

Download it to your Kindle here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You Nook users can download it here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

You can even get it from iTunes here: I Just Want to Pee Alone

Filed Under: blogging, Book, Humor, I Just Want to Pee Alone, mommy blogger, People I Want to Punch in the Throat, Thankful, Women, YKIHAYHT

Don’t Let the Guilt Get You

March 13, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 19 Comments

I screwed up. Not in a “I used salt instead of sugar in those cookies” kind of screwed up. More like a ”I now feel like a total asshole mother” kind of screwed up. It wasn’t over anything major, but to my fifth grade daughter it was kind of a big deal. Now I have this immense feeling of guilt. Mom guilt. Different from any other guilt you will ever feel and it sucks.

This isn’t the first time I have dropped the ball on something. I have forgotten to take someone to a birthday party, or missed that meeting about an activity. I have forgotten to call little Susie’s mom to see if Susie can come over for a sleepover. As parents we have unlimited opportunity for failure. Every second of every day presents us with an opportunity to fuck something up. There is no other job on the planet that you can enter into with absolutely no training whatsoever and then be left to deal with the pressure, the guilt, and the repercussions of not doing something right.

When I took that first job flipping hamburgers, I wasn’t allowed to start cooking the hamburgers right away. Hell no. I had to master the potato peeling and onion chopping first. I had to be able to make perfect patties and golden brown french fries before I could be trusted with the spatula and a hot grill. I received on the job training before being entrusted with the important tasks. There is no on the job training that comes along with parenthood. Sure, there are thousands of parenting books that you can peruse. There are millions upon millions of magazine and internet articles that you can sort through and read. Most likely you have friends or acquaintances that you can ask for advice. The thing is, your parenting skills will be completely different from everyone else’s. Don’t fall for the ideal of being the “perfect” parent. You are just setting yourself up for disappointment. You will be a GREAT parent, but there is no such thing as the “perfect” one.

At some point we have all royally screwed up something for our kids. Maybe we have that day that we didn’t make the time to play that board game. Maybe we forgot to write that letter of encouragement for them to read before their state assessment tests. Maybe we were taking a few seconds to read an email instead of watching them go down the slide. Maybe we were busy writing a piece for a book and didn’t spend the afternoon giving our kids scissors and glue guns. It doesn’t mean we love them any less or that we wish that they didn’t exist, it just means that we as parents are so consumed with trying to prove to everyone else that we can do everything when in reality we are drowning in our own sea of over scheduling and pressure to overachieve, present company included.

Am I a failure as a mother because my kids are currently parked in front of the television long enough for me to finish this post? No I’m not. Do I feel a slight twinge of guilt that I am doing that? Absolutely. Does it mean that I am lazy parent who only focuses on her needs instead of the needs of her children? No effing way. It means that I deserve to take some time for myself. To do the things that I enjoy and that make me a better mother. It means that I have things that I like to make time for besides wiping butts and playing Chutes and Ladders for the five millionth time. It means that in order for me to be the parent that I need to be I have to take the time to tend to myself, even if that means locking the door just so I can poop in peace.

If you can honestly look in the mirror and say to yourself that you don’t have needs. That you are the ideal parent. That your sole purpose in life is to be the beck and call girl for your kids. That you don’t ever make mistakes and suffer from mom guilt. You are full of shit. I mean, you have it oozing out of every orifice. Instead of filling yourself with these unrealistic expectations, why not tell yourself that it is OK that you forgot to make that phone call. That you aren’t ruining your kids if you let them have pop for lunch. That it is OK that you forgot to do something. That they won’t be traumatized for life if they have to go out into the backyard and play by themselves for fifteen minutes while you switch the laundry or eat that bag of M & M’s that you’ve been hiding in the cabinet.

We all make mistakes. We all have the guilt. We all have those days where we want to pack our bags and run away to the Bahamas with Johnny Depp. Well, I do at least. We can’t sit around criticizing each other and ourselves for the choices that we make for our own children. We can’t constantly attack each other because we do things differently. We can’t look in that proverbial mirror and beat ourselves up because we have those moments of doubt. Because we forgot something. Because we made a mistake. Because we just wanted to take a few minutes for ourselves. Guilt will eat you alive if you let it. We need to support each other despite our differences. We must have the belief in ourselves that we are doing something right. That we have one, or two, or five little people who think we are better than sliced bread. That these kids will turn out just fine. Have faith in YOURSELF. You’ve got this. WE’ve got this.

Faith

Have you bought the book yet? NO?? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR???? Talk about a good way to remind yourself that we aren’t perfect. Go ahead and get a copy for yourself and feel free to get a copy for all of your mom friends too. You will laugh, you may cry from laughter, you will definitely no longer feel alone. All positive reviews will be sprinkled with glitter in celebration. Get all the details right HERE.

Filed Under: Children, Compassion, Family, Humor, Johnny Depp, kids, Love, Motherhood, opinions, parenting, self worth, Women

I’m Not a Medical Professional, but I Play One in This Post

March 4, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 11 Comments

Treadmill

Today I re-started my workout regimen. Never fear, it isn’t a hardcore heavy-duty workout that will take away from my precious writing time, but it’s a workout nonetheless. I have been on a hiatus and ever since that break started all I have done is watch my middle rise like a batch of yeasty bread. Since I am pretty sure it has risen until double in size, it is time to punch it back down, only this time I don’t plan on letting it rise again. It’s only flat-breads from here on out.

I have missed running. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but I miss the way it makes me feel afterwards. You know, having energy. Tight-ish abs. Less junk in my trunk. Less jiggle in the thighs. You get what I’m sayin’. I also miss those few minutes with just me and my music and my thoughts. Whatever I want to listen to without having to skip a few songs due to their explicit nature. Sorting out the various thoughts swimming about in my brain.

I think Mr. Nordic Track has forgiven me for taking such a long break from our relationship as he was remarkably kind to me this morning. Too bad the kids were not as supportive of my endeavor, attention seeking little animals that they are. As I was plugging along trying to ignore them, I came up with this list of suggested things to do before/during/after your workout. I can only hope that it helps at least one of you.

Before the workout begins:

Decide you are going to actually workout
Have another cup of coffee
Answer a couple of phone calls while catching up on Facebook
Have a bowl of cereal
Pee
Have another cup of coffee
Switch the laundry
Read a blog or two
Pee again
Put your workout clothes on
Ask three-year old if they have to pee before you get started
Pee again (next time consume less coffee)
Lock the fridge so that kids can’t sneak up and help themselves to a snack mid-workout
Answer another phone call
Pee again
Dig out treadmill from under pile of toys/clothes/junk
Try to remember how to turn on the treadmill

During the workout:

Make sure you turn on the treadmill. This is very helpful.
Make sure you set treadmill on the right speed. It is painful when you eat shit on a fast-moving belt.
Don’t forget to jump over the toys that the kids send down the belt. They like to test your cat-like reflexes.
Turn up your music. It drowns out the screams.
Remember that dance-walking burns more calories. This will also cause your children to shoot you odd looks and most likely cause uncontrollable laughter.
Don’t forget to stop the treadmill when you have to get off to take the three-year old pee because he didn’t go before you started like you asked him to.
Don’t forget to go pee when you take the toddler pee. Your pants will thank you later.
Smile and clap for the four-year-old’s musical performance, which thanks to the headphones you didn’t have to endure since it involved a tambourine, jingle bells, and maracas.
Don’t push yourself too hard, you will be required to move tomorrow. As in your body. Out of the bed.

After the workout:

Stretch. This will help the movement that will be required later in the day. While most likely this will be painful, especially to your psyche as you attempt to bend down and touch your toes and decide that your thighs are close enough.
Hydrate. Preferably with water, but depending on the time of day of your workout your beverage of choice is totally up to you.
Take tea-party breaks in-between stretches. This serves two purposes; 1. you interact with your kids that you have been ignoring for the last thirty minutes, and 2. it gives you extra time to get up from the previous stretch before moving on to the next one.
Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving another workout and try to fight the urge to stuff a couple of cookies in your pie-hole.

These are only some suggestions derived from my own personal experiences. I do not claim to be a medical professional and can only say that I cannot accept any responsibility for injuries that may occur if you choose not to take these suggestions to heart. I will also not accept any responsibility for any wet pants that occur due to either the ignoring of these suggestions, or from the laughter that you just enjoyed from reading this post. I have enough laundry, next time invest in some Poise.

Filed Under: Family, Hints, Humor, kids, Motherhood, parenting, Women

Long Hairs and Snow Days

February 27, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 19 Comments

The other day I found a hair. A long one. On my knee. At first I thought it was just a hair from my head that stuck to my leg in the shower. Nope, that thing was attached. Be aware that when I say a long one, I mean that sucker could have been braided if only it would have had friends close by. This one hair made my mind start to wonder; How in the hell does one miss the same hair for months? How? The same reason I can’t take a good poop without having to stop halfway through. The same reason my hair needs to be colored, but isn’t. The same reason my house looks like a colony of monkeys live here. Because I have kids and they’ve been home for days, that’s why.

I have been trapped in a snowy hell for days. DAYS. I am sure that somewhere around here I have some funny lying around, but in all honesty I think my kids have sucked that well dry, kind of like my boobs. I can’t possibly stomach another game of Guess Who or another episode of Dinosaur Train. I also cannot bear to listen to myself tell my kids to stop fighting with each other. To keep their hands to themselves. To say excuse me when they rip a big burp or gag me with a fart. These unexpected long breaks are painful. So much so that the government could use it as a form of torture. You want someone to talk, lock them in a house with young children for days with minimal provisions. They would break in a matter of hours. It is so different from a scheduled break because of the lack of preparation time, the scramble to stock up on “provisions”, or maybe it is just the fact that there is. no. escape.

The first day, everyone is so excited. HEY LOOK! SNOW! Get out the gloves/boots/hats/scarves/five-hundred pairs of pants, and listen to the squeals of delight. It fills your heart with rainbows and unicorns and you are so glad that they got a few extra hours to play in it. You don’t mind the piles of wet gloves and the constant requests for hot chocolate.

Until that first snowball is thrown.

Day two brings constant snowfall. Trapped. Here is where things go downhill, and quickly. See if any of this sounds familiar:

MOM! He took my blanket!
MOOOOOOMMMMMM, she farted on me!
But MOOOOOMMMMM, I don’t WANT to watch that!
But MOM! He touched me!
Can we have a snack? I’m still hungry, can I have something else to eat? I’m HONGRY MOM!
Mom, can we go outside? <10 minutes later> Man! It’s cold outside, we are coming in!
Hey PITA, put down that frozen milk jug and put some clothes on before you freeze your wiener off! (What? You’ve never said that?)

One would think that living in the middle of Kansas in the winter that I would be better prepared for such occurrences. Well, one would be wrong. I don’t keep a file of lesson plans for snowy days. I don’t keep a well-stocked craft closet. I suppose that would be because I don’t enjoy “crafting”, but it is mainly because the thought of giving young kids scissors and glue gives me heart palpitations. ”Hey MOM, look at my pretty new haircut!” . ”Hey Mom, why do they call it a HOT glue gun? AHHHHHHHHHH MY EYE!!!!!” ”Don’t you love our new wallpaper mom? I used all the colors that you love!”

I’m not afraid to be honest with you all. The wine helps. I’m not talking about dousing myself in it every night, just a glass or two (some days three). It doesn’t make me a bad mom nor does it make me an alcoholic. It makes me real. For some it may not be wine, it may be food or pharmaceuticals or vodka or a nice hot bath mixed with wine and cookies or running away to Mexico to enjoy sunshine and drinks served by a handsome cabana boy by the pool. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do to help you relax at the end of the day. It doesn’t make us bad parents to enjoy a glass of wine or a couple of cookies or a nice hot bath. Running away to Mexico, maybe, but only if you never return.

I don’t really know where the long knee hair and snow days are connected, hell I don’t really know where I was going with this entire post, but I do know that sometimes we screw up and we miss things. Things that we may look back on and laugh about later, but also some things that we don’t want to look back on and be sad that we overlooked. We bitch and moan about having our kids home for extended periods of time. In all reality though, somewhere deep down (WAAAAY deep down) we enjoy these moments. While at the time we don’t enjoy the puddles of melted snow in the dining room and the endless games of tag in the house. We cuss under our breath about the extra loads of laundry and the constant requests to play on some sort of electronic device while munching on handfuls of popcorn. We know that these moments are passing ever so quickly. That we should treasure them. That we should enjoy them. That someday we will miss them. For now though we will laugh at our long hairs, poop when we can, and enjoy that glass of wine while watching our kids play in the cold. While working on our passports from the window.

Before you leave, do two things for me please:

1. Don’t forget to subscribe to email updates up there on the very top left. It really is the best way to ensure that you don’t miss anything and I promise I won’t spam you.

2. Don’t forget to RSVP for the free parenting webinar on Thursday night. You can do that here and I look forward to chatting with you all!

Filed Under: Children, Family, Gratitude, Humor, kids, Motherhood, parenting, wine

Are You REALLY Gonna Eat That?

February 18, 2013 by Tara-YKIHAYHT 24 Comments

My friend Ninja Mom asked me to jump on the Character Assassination Carousel. I thought about it for about two seconds and quickly agreed. Well, I agreed to give it a shot but I get motion sickness so I won’t actually jump ON the carousel. Hell, I can’t even watch it go around and around without having to suppress the urge to revisit my lunch. If you don’t mind, I’ll just sit here in my recliner while you all go around and around and around.

It was after I agreed to this that I started to poo my pants. What book will I choose? Can I really take apart a beloved children’s book? What if the people (AKA, YOU) hate me afterwards? What book will I choose? How in the frickity-frack am I going to do this without looking like a total toad? So like any sub-par writer would do, I went looking for ~~things I could borrow~~ inspiration from some past riders/writers on the carousel. I read Frugalista Blog’s assassination of Rumplestiltskin, The Underachiever’s Guide to Being a Domestic Goddess’ deconstruction of Walter the Farting Dog, and of course I had to go back to the very beginning and read Ninja Mom’s own take on The Giving Tree. Well shit, that was a huge mistake. Not because I don’t love them all, but now I realize that there are so many great bloggers that went before me and blew it out of the water and now here I sit feeling the pressure. Oops, sorry. Excuse me, that one slipped. Pressure makes me gassy. *Deep breath, you can do this* Alright, here we go, jump aboard the Character Assassination Carousel kids, I’ll watch you from over here while sipping my drink.

After some serious combing through the littles’ bookcases (yes, that is plural because just one bookcase would not suffice), I decided to go with the one book that drives me crazy. The one book that I love to hate. The one book that really makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. I think it is time for “There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly” to bite off more than she can chew. When I made this decision, I immediately went to Amazon to read the reviews. I thought surely someone else on the planet had a deep-seeded hatred for this book. Nope. Every review I read was about how much they LOVED this book and WONDERFUL it is to read to their kids. Crap. I’m in the minority….again. Par for the course I guess. Let me just fill you in on exactly WHY I would love to bury this poor woman in a really big box.

Nice dress Granny.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die

Does anyone really know why they swallowed a fly? I suppose some people in the jungle, or contestants on Survivor, may eat them for a snack, but I have really been trying to cut back on my fly intake. I’m sure they are high in protein or something, but I’m not a big fan of wings and legs and those creepy little eyes that they have. Not to mention I don’t imagine that they are very filling. Wait just one minute… Eating flies could KILL me? Guess I better adjust our summer menu. Bummer, flies are so cost-effective. Dime a dozen round here thanks to the cows and their poo.

There was an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die.

Um…yeah. You lost me at spider and wriggling inside her. That’s just gross and repulsive and wrong and did I say gross? I know the average person eats a spider at least once in their lifetime, but at least that occurs without our knowledge. Why would anyone in their right mind knowingly eat a damn spider? Who gives a flying rip about the stupid little fly that you just ate, they don’t live that long anyway, but a SPIDER? ARE YOU NUTS?

Next she eats a bird in order to catch the spider. Well, if she wouldn’t have been off her rocker to begin with and eaten a nasty ass spider, she wouldn’t need to be eating a bird now would she? I’m all for eating a little yard-bird. Fried up with some mashed potatoes and gravy, but this crazy lady is eating a whole bird. Legs, feathers, beak and all. How in the hell is she doing this? Does she have a jaw like a snake? Is she a sword swallower? My gag meter is on high alert. This is just redonk-a-donk.

See the foreshadowing? Can you guess what is up next?

As if a fly, spider, and a bird aren’t filling enough the old woman decides that she needs to eat a cat. A freaking CAT. What they forgot to mention is that immediately after eating said cat, the old woman had to be rushed to the ER to have a ginormous hairball removed from her esophagus. A cat. This is the dumbest book ever. But wait…there’s more!

After the hairball removal, the woman regains her appetite and resorts to eating a dog. It doesn’t specify the size of the dog, but does it really matter? Who in the hell eats a dog? As if there is room enough in her gut for the dog to chase the cat. I want to know how in the hell this woman isn’t dead yet. The fly and the spider I can see. They are small and easily swallowed. A whole bird, followed by a whole cat with a dog chaser? This lady is a freak of nature and has got to have the worst case of indigestion on the planet.

Just when you think it can’t get any worse, the woman swallows a cow. Not a steak, not a juicy hamburger, not a little bit of stew meat. A whole cow. I know many people don’t like to waste any part of the animal, but seriously. I can barely eat an entire steak on my own yet this old woman ingests an entire cow without even chewing it. Not even an inkling of steak sauce or ketchup first. Does she die from this? Of course not. Here are my issues with this: 1. Cows don’t eat dogs, they eat grass and grains. Herbivores, not carnivores. Very poor judgement on part of our dear old lady. 2. A WHOLE COW? This is just asinine.

Let’s not forget the piece de resistance…a horse. She swallows a horse to catch the cow. As if she shouldn’t already be dead from intestinal over-extension, she swallows an entire horse. This just in…eating an entire horse will kill you. I could buy into death by getting thrown from a horse, or being caught in a wild horse stampede, or even death by hoof to the forehead, but eating an entire horse? Cheese and rice this is has got to be the most overrated book in my bookcase.

I get that these books are for entertainment purposes, but this is just over the top for me. ”Mommy, you can’t really eat a horse.” No kids, you can’t. That’s why dear granny is dead. Moral of this story? I really don’t have a damn clue. Don’t eat yourself to death? Don’t get started eating bugs because it only leads to bigger things? If you are going to eat large animals whole make sure to wear a tacky dress? That’s the best I got. Go away Granny, you are dead.

I suppose she looks happy. I would think she would be a tad uncomfortable.

Thanks to Ninja Mom for letting me play along. I hope you enjoyed this spin on the Carousel and will share me with all of your friends. You never know, you may just find that we all share a mutual disdain for this adored children’s book. Don’t miss the next ride on the Carousel when the always hilarious Kelley’s Breakroom assassinates yet another beloved character.