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Treadmill

Today I re-started my workout regimen. Never fear, it isn’t a hardcore heavy-duty workout that will take away from my precious writing time, but it’s a workout nonetheless. I have been on a hiatus and ever since that break started all I have done is watch my middle rise like a batch of yeasty bread. Since I am pretty sure it has risen until double in size, it is time to punch it back down, only this time I don’t plan on letting it rise again. It’s only flat-breads from here on out.

I have missed running. I never thought those words would come out of my mouth, but I miss the way it makes me feel afterwards. You know, having energy. Tight-ish abs. Less junk in my trunk. Less jiggle in the thighs. You get what I’m sayin’. I also miss those few minutes with just me and my music and my thoughts. Whatever I want to listen to without having to skip a few songs due to their explicit nature. Sorting out the various thoughts swimming about in my brain.

I think Mr. Nordic Track has forgiven me for taking such a long break from our relationship as he was remarkably kind to me this morning. Too bad the kids were not as supportive of my endeavor, attention seeking little animals that they are. As I was plugging along trying to ignore them, I came up with this list of suggested things to do before/during/after your workout. I can only hope that it helps at least one of you.

Before the workout begins:

Decide you are going to actually workout
Have another cup of coffee
Answer a couple of phone calls while catching up on Facebook
Have a bowl of cereal
Pee
Have another cup of coffee
Switch the laundry
Read a blog or two
Pee again
Put your workout clothes on
Ask three-year old if they have to pee before you get started
Pee again (next time consume less coffee)
Lock the fridge so that kids can’t sneak up and help themselves to a snack mid-workout
Answer another phone call
Pee again
Dig out treadmill from under pile of toys/clothes/junk
Try to remember how to turn on the treadmill

During the workout:

Make sure you turn on the treadmill. This is very helpful.
Make sure you set treadmill on the right speed. It is painful when you eat shit on a fast-moving belt.
Don’t forget to jump over the toys that the kids send down the belt. They like to test your cat-like reflexes.
Turn up your music. It drowns out the screams.
Remember that dance-walking burns more calories. This will also cause your children to shoot you odd looks and most likely cause uncontrollable laughter.
Don’t forget to stop the treadmill when you have to get off to take the three-year old pee because he didn’t go before you started like you asked him to.
Don’t forget to go pee when you take the toddler pee. Your pants will thank you later.
Smile and clap for the four-year-old’s musical performance, which thanks to the headphones you didn’t have to endure since it involved a tambourine, jingle bells, and maracas.
Don’t push yourself too hard, you will be required to move tomorrow. As in your body. Out of the bed.

After the workout:

Stretch. This will help the movement that will be required later in the day. While most likely this will be painful, especially to your psyche as you attempt to bend down and touch your toes and decide that your thighs are close enough.
Hydrate. Preferably with water, but depending on the time of day of your workout your beverage of choice is totally up to you.
Take tea-party breaks in-between stretches. This serves two purposes; 1. you interact with your kids that you have been ignoring for the last thirty minutes, and 2. it gives you extra time to get up from the previous stretch before moving on to the next one.
Give yourself a pat on the back for surviving another workout and try to fight the urge to stuff a couple of cookies in your pie-hole.

These are only some suggestions derived from my own personal experiences. I do not claim to be a medical professional and can only say that I cannot accept any responsibility for injuries that may occur if you choose not to take these suggestions to heart. I will also not accept any responsibility for any wet pants that occur due to either the ignoring of these suggestions, or from the laughter that you just enjoyed from reading this post. I have enough laundry, next time invest in some Poise.

On this day fifteen years ago, Farmer Bob made one of the best decisions he has ever made. He married me. Pretty smart move on his part if you ask me. He may have other thoughts on that, but since this is my blog and he hardly ever wants to give me any input on it you get my opinion only. While it did take him three years of dating to firmly commit to this lifelong nightmare dream, I am quite certain that after this many years of wedded bliss he really wishes he would have just committed me. I’ve been thinking about this post for a while now, and while I debated writing a sappy love story for you all I decided to skip the sap and go right for what I know best, sarcasm and humor. *Editors note, I am in no way a marriage expert. This is what has worked for us, and we have made it this far so we must be doing something right.*

Here are some of our tips for finding (and keeping) that special someone:

1. Always start dating your future husband after a good friend asks you to “talk to him” for her. Seriously, it works. When a sorority sister asked me to talk to Farmer Bob for her during some homecoming festivities, we were dating a week later. Eighteen years later here we are. Five kids, a house, a farm, it was destiny. Never fear though, my Alpha Chi sister is also happily married now as well and we are still friends so it shouldn’t have any long term negative effects on your friendship. Just beware that I cannot make any guarantees that your friend will still consider you a “friend” if you actually do this. *Disclaimer; I don’t take any responsibility for the ruining of friendships in the pursuit of a spouse.*

2. Always be drunk enough to not remember the first time you meet your future husband. I don’t know if it was the slurring of the words or the incredible dance moves, but I must have made a lasting impression because Bob still talks about the first time we “met”. I’m still a firm believer that he is making it all up because I don’t have an inkling of a recollection of this ever happening.

3. Always fart in front of each other on your first date. Might as well get it over with. Everyone does it, and you’ll feel better if you just let it out, like Shrek says “better out than in”. At least this way you can end that uncomfortable feeling not only in your gut because you really need to let one rip but you are holding it in in order to avoid that awkward moment when you actually do “express” yourself. I’m not condoning to go all “Machine Gun Kelly“, but one discreet little toot can be quite the ice breaker. Ladies, might I suggest you let him go first just to be safe and be sure you’ve had a few drinks first so that you can blame yours on your inability to handle your alcohol. Seriously, do it. You’ll feel better in more ways than one.

4. Go on a road trip with your future husband before you get married. This should be required in order to even be given a marriage license. Nothing tests a relationship like a road trip to a destination hours away. It doesn’t even matter what it is for, but you must make sure that your car breaks down while you are there. If you can stay in a strange city, get stranded in front of a fairly famous persons home, manage to get a tow truck and your car fixed in a day, plus survive the drive back home without wanting to kill each other. It’s a match made in heaven.

5. Make sure that your husband has the same personal hygiene standards as you do. If you don’t like to shave in the winter, make sure that the man is down with that. There would be nothing more awkward than going in to your first winter time romp only to discover that Mr. Perfect isn’t too fond of mating with Sasquatch. This can go the other way as well if you ladies are not big fans of the facial/back/chest hair. These things have to be communicated ahead of time.

6. Spend at least one night together prior to making any long-term commitments. I don’t mean sleep together as in “doin’ the deed”, but do sleep together in the same room. This is imperative in order to determine if you will actually be able to ever get a quiet nights sleep. It is better to find out early on if your future spouse snores loud enough to wake the neighbors, or if you will actually be able to get some quality sleep for the rest of your life. Or until you have kids. Trust me, you will thank me for this one. It could make the difference between using those extra pillows for head support, or for volume control.

7. Pay attention to your future spouse’s housekeeping skills. Do they have a bathroom sink covered in toothpaste? Are they constantly trying to shove ten pounds of shit in a five pound trashcan because they are too lazy to take the full trash bag to the dumpster? Do they know how to do laundry without turning all the whites pink? Are they stackers? These are all key things to think about before signing any long-term contracts. You do not want to be stuck with an adult child. This leads to years of cursing under your breath while scrubbing poo splatter from under the toilet rim and scraping dried up toothpaste from the bathroom sink. And that is before you even have kids.

Dedication pays

8. Make sure that your significant other is comfortable with your celebrity boyfriend/girlfriend. Savvy? (See what I did there?) Farmer Bob is constantly wanting to watch movies with random beautiful women in them. Every night it is a different woman and it makes it hard to keep up. I swear that it is just a coincidence that Johnny is the lead actor opposite all these women. I keep telling him that if he could just pick one woman, it would make it much easier for me to keep track of the flavor du jour. It is hard to support all his relationships with so many different women, so I like to think that Johnny and I are leading by example. Loyalty goes a long way Bob, and I think Johnny and I are a prime example of that.

9. Try to move at least half-way across the country at least once. Preferably do this just as soon as the ink dries on your marriage license. No really, nothing like loading up all of your worldly possessions into a U-Haul and driving half-way across the country to see if you can survive. It’s fun and everyone should try it at least once. I would suggest not riding in the same vehicle during the move, for sanity’s sake. Just this one very important detail can increase your chances of survival by one hundred percent. If you can survive not only the move there but the move back home a few years later after adding at least one kid and a dog and you still like each other, you are kicking ass and taking names.

10. I saved the best for last. Whatever you do, you must make sure that you and your future/newly acquired spouse share a sense of humor. What if you find farts to be hilarious and your girl finds them repulsive and disgusting? What if you like movies like The Hangover and Monty Python and the Holy Grail, but your guy only prefers movies like Die Hard or Lord of the Rings? Seriously, sharing a sense of humor and being able to laugh at/with/about each other is essential here. How can you have fun together if you take all of the ups and downs of being together so seriously? It is fine to laugh at the other when one blows out their pants or has a booger hanging from their nose, just be sure to know your boundaries and make sure you can run faster.

These tips and tricks may not work for everyone, these are just the things that have helped Farmer Bob and I make it for fifteen (plus) years. Just because they all worked out for us, I cannot make any guarantees that we know all the secrets for success. I know we have a long way to go, but as long as we have each other (and our sense of humor) I think our future looks pretty damn good. As long as he never asks me to move again.